SNL Transcripts: Kevin Hart: 03/02/13: 360 News

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 15

12o: Kevin Hart / Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

360 News

Hal Sumner……Kevin Hart
Director…..Tim Robinson
Producer…..Bobby Moynihan
Camera 1…..Fred Armisen
Camera 2…..Nasim Pedrad
Camera 3…..Taran Killam
Camera 4…..Kenan Thompson
Camera 5…..Jay Pharoah

Announcer: Strap in for 360 News! Eight cameras! One newsman! Eighty stories! One sentence each!

[ Hal Sumner turns to face front-facing camera ]

Hal Sumner: Bus crash in Iowa!

[ Hal Sumner spins around 180-degrees ]

Hal Sumner: Tornados rock the Midwest!

[ Hal Sumner turns to face another angle ]

Hal Sumner: Stock market!

[ cut to graphics ]

Announcer: Some news gives you BOTH sides of the story! 360 News gives you every! [ Hal Sumner turns to face camera over his shoulder ] Possible! [ Hal Sumner looks up at camera pointing down from the ceiling ] Angle! [ Hal Sumner looks down at a camera pointing up from the floor ] Now — here to give you the news from EVERY direction — Hal Sumner!

[ wipe to Hal Sumner at the 360 news desk, his neck now awkwardly covered with a brace ]

Hal Sumner: [ straining ] Good evening… I’m Hal Sumner. Uh… Quick personal note: I was rear-ended in a minor car accident last night. No big deal! Now onto the news. Airline workers threaten strike! [ he struggles to turn 45-degrees to face a different camera ] Senate to debate gun control! [ he struggles to face the front camera again ] Lean Cuisine dish recalled! [ he collects his breath, then struggles to turn 45-degrees again ] It kills me, man…! Go to a commercial, guys! You gotta go to a commercial!

Director: And we’re… clear! Clear! [ he rushes toward the desk ] Hey, Cal! How you feeling, man?

Producer: Do you want me to call Don, have him sit in for you?

Hal Sumner: Don? No! No, man…! I’m fine…! I got this…! In fact, listen — I don’t even NEED this neck brace! Okay, guys? Let’s just do it without it…

Director: [ he removes Cal’s neck brace ] Okay, alright… We’re back in 3! 2! [ they run off ]

[ Cal gasps, then his neck falls down across shoulders ]

Hal Sumner: Guuuuuuuyyyyys!! Guuuuuuyyyys!! [ he tries to lift his head with his hands ] Give me back the neck brace! Give me back the neck brace!

[ the Director rushes back in and replaces the neck brace ]

Director: Alright… there we go. Just a heads up — we’re running out of commercials to throw to.

Producer: Yeah. Hey, look — I know you’re not gonna like this idea, but what if, just for today, we just used one camera?

Hal Sumner: [ outraged ] What?! It’s “360 News”, you son of a bitch! Okay, listen — you gotta have THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY degrees of cameras! Now, you KNOW that!

Director: [ thinking ] Uh… alright, look, Cal… I’ve wanted to say this to you for a long time: This is a VERY stupid idea for a news show. You only need ONE camera!

Hal Sumner: [ hyperventilating ] Okay… Okay! Does EVERYBODY think that?! Hmm? Camera 1? Camera 1, do you think that “360 News” is a dumb idea?!

Camera 1: Yeah!

Hal Sumner: Okay, Camera 2! What about you?!

Camera 2: Real stupid!

Hal Sumner: Okay, Camera 3! What about you?!

Camera 3: It’s bad, man.

Hal Sumner: Okay, Camera 4! Come on, 4! I need you on this one!

Camera 4: Your show SUCKS, man!

Hal Sumner: Camera 5! Talk to me, Camera 5!

Camera 5: [ suspended from the ceiling ] I HATE this show!

Hal Sumner: You know what? You know what?~ You’re all traitors!! Okay? That — that — You’re ALL traitors! Let me tell you something, you — [ he grunts as the camera angle switches ] You’re a traitor! You’re a traitor, right there! You are! [ he struggles to turn his head, as the camera angle switches again ] You’re a traitor, too! Over here! YOU! [ he truggles to turn his head, as the camera angle switches again ] Okay! You’re DEFINITELY a traitor, right there! IT’S JUST A BUNCH OD TRAITORS ON THIS THING…!!

[ cut to graphics ]

Announcer: We will NOT be right back!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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