Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 15
Hal Sumner……Kevin Hart
Camera 1…..Fred Armisen
Camera 2…..Nasim Pedrad
Camera 3…..Taran Killam
Camera 4…..Kenan Thompson
Camera 5…..Jay Pharoah
Announcer: Strap in for 360 News! Eight cameras! One newsman! Eighty stories! One sentence each![ Hal Sumner turns to face front-facing camera ]
Hal Sumner: Bus crash in Iowa![ Hal Sumner spins around 180-degrees ]
Hal Sumner: Tornados rock the Midwest!
Hal Sumner: Stock market![ cut to graphics ]
Announcer: Some news gives you BOTH sides of the story! 360 News gives you every! [ Hal Sumner turns to face camera over his shoulder ] Possible! [ Hal Sumner looks up at camera pointing down from the ceiling ] Angle! [ Hal Sumner looks down at a camera pointing up from the floor ] Now — here to give you the news from EVERY direction — Hal Sumner![ wipe to Hal Sumner at the 360 news desk, his neck now awkwardly covered with a brace ]
Hal Sumner: [ straining ] Good evening… I’m Hal Sumner. Uh… Quick personal note: I was rear-ended in a minor car accident last night. No big deal! Now onto the news. Airline workers threaten strike! [ he struggles to turn 45-degrees to face a different camera ] Senate to debate gun control! [ he struggles to face the front camera again ] Lean Cuisine dish recalled! [ he collects his breath, then struggles to turn 45-degrees again ] It kills me, man…! Go to a commercial, guys! You gotta go to a commercial!
Director: And we’re… clear! Clear! [ he rushes toward the desk ] Hey, Cal! How you feeling, man?
Producer: Do you want me to call Don, have him sit in for you?
Hal Sumner: Don? No! No, man…! I’m fine…! I got this…! In fact, listen — I don’t even NEED this neck brace! Okay, guys? Let’s just do it without it…
Director: [ he removes Cal’s neck brace ] Okay, alright… We’re back in 3! 2! [ they run off ] [ Cal gasps, then his neck falls down across shoulders ]
Hal Sumner: Guuuuuuuyyyyys!! Guuuuuuyyyys!! [ he tries to lift his head with his hands ] Give me back the neck brace! Give me back the neck brace![ the Director rushes back in and replaces the neck brace ]
Director: Alright… there we go. Just a heads up — we’re running out of commercials to throw to.
Producer: Yeah. Hey, look — I know you’re not gonna like this idea, but what if, just for today, we just used one camera?
Hal Sumner: [ outraged ] What?! It’s “360 News”, you son of a bitch! Okay, listen — you gotta have THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY degrees of cameras! Now, you KNOW that!
Director: [ thinking ] Uh… alright, look, Cal… I’ve wanted to say this to you for a long time: This is a VERY stupid idea for a news show. You only need ONE camera!
Hal Sumner: [ hyperventilating ] Okay… Okay! Does EVERYBODY think that?! Hmm? Camera 1? Camera 1, do you think that “360 News” is a dumb idea?!
Camera 1: Yeah!
Hal Sumner: Okay, Camera 2! What about you?!
Camera 2: Real stupid!
Hal Sumner: Okay, Camera 3! What about you?!
Camera 3: It’s bad, man.
Hal Sumner: Okay, Camera 4! Come on, 4! I need you on this one!
Camera 4: Your show SUCKS, man!
Hal Sumner: Camera 5! Talk to me, Camera 5!
Camera 5: [ suspended from the ceiling ] I HATE this show!
Hal Sumner: You know what? You know what?~ You’re all traitors!! Okay? That — that — You’re ALL traitors! Let me tell you something, you — [ he grunts as the camera angle switches ] You’re a traitor! You’re a traitor, right there! You are! [ he struggles to turn his head, as the camera angle switches again ] You’re a traitor, too! Over here! YOU! [ he truggles to turn his head, as the camera angle switches again ] Okay! You’re DEFINITELY a traitor, right there! IT’S JUST A BUNCH OD TRAITORS ON THIS THING…!![ cut to graphics ]
Announcer: We will NOT be right back![ fade ]