Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 16
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:Guest Writers:
March 2nd, 2013
Justin Timberlake
Justin Timberlake
None
Paul Simon
Steve Martin
Dan Aykroyd
Chevy Chase
Martin Short
Alec Baldwin
Tom Hanks
Candace Bergen
Andy Samberg
Jay-Z
Michael Patrick O’Brien
Michael Che
Edi Patterson
Andy Samberg
Akiva Schaffer
Jorma Taccone
Memorial Service for Hugo Chavez
Summary: Elton John (Justin Timberlake) is offered money to eulogize Hugo Chavez with his latest rewrite of “Candle in the Wind”.
Recurring Characters: Elton John.
Montage
Justin Timberlake’s Monologue
Summary: Justin Timberlake joins the ranks of the Five-Timer’s Club, where he gets to hang out with legends like Paul Simon and Steve Martin and force the cast members to fight for his amusement.
Transcript
It’s a Date
Summary: Bachelor #1 (Bobby Moynihan) realizes he won’t win a date with Judy (Vanessa Bayer) when his competition is the “Dick in a Box” singers (Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake) and the Festrunk Brothers (Dan Aykroyd, Steve Martin).
Recurring Characters: Yortuk Festrunk, Georg Festrunk.
Transcript
Veganville
Summary: Sausage shop’s Italian butcher mascot (Bobby Moynihan) faces competition from Veganville’s dancing tofu mascot (Justin Timberlake).
Recurring Characters: Mascot.
Nuva Bling
Summary: The semi-effective diamond-encrusted birth control device that doubles up as glamorous jewelry.
Justin Timberlake with Jay-Z performs “Suit & Tie”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Stefon (Bill Hader) kists inappropriate places for tourists to celebrate Spring in New York.
Recurring Characters: Stefon.
Transcript
Tales of Sober Caligula
Summary: After working to clean up his image, a newly-sober Caligula (Justin Timberlake) declares there will no longer be wild orgies within his empire and instead initiates Game Night activities.
Maine Justice
Summary: Implanted Judge Marshall T. Boudreaux (Jason Sudeikis) dishes another heapin’ helping of Maine Justice in the case of a college boy (Andy Samberg) who ran a southern belle (Kate McKinnon) off the road).
Recurring Characters: Marshall T. Boudreaux.
Justin Timberlake performs “Mirrors”
She’s Got a D!%k
Summary: A trailer for a new romantic comedy starring Justin Timberlake and an Adorable Brunette (Nasim Pedrad) who happens to have male genitalia.
Recurring Characters: Eugene Levy.
Moet & Chandon
Summary: Former porn stars Brookie (Vanessa Bayer), a fellow model (Cecily Strong) and V.I. Penis (Justrin Timberlake) promote the luxury of Moet & Chandon champagne.
Recurring Characters: Brookie, Model.
Goodnights
Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Summary:
