SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 03/09/13: It’s a Date


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 16

12p: Justin Timberlake

It’s a Date

Dirk Ellington…..Bill Hader
Judy Peterman…..Vanessa Bayer
Bachelor #1…..Bobby Moynihan
Singer #1…..Andy Samberg
Singer #2…..Justin Timberlake
Yortuk Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Georg Festrunk…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Welcome to “It’s a Date”! The ONLY dating game show still on TV! Now, here’s your host — Dirk Ellington!

Dirk Ellington: [ running out ] Hello, everybody! And welcome to “It’s a Date”! I’m Dirk Ellington, and I feel AWFUL! But enough about me. Let’s meet our lovely bchelorette! She’s a nurse from Bayport, with a penchant for making muffins — please welcome Judy Peterman!

[ reveal Judy ]

Judy Peterman: Hey, Dirk! I’m happy to be here!

Dirk Ellington: Alright, let’s meet tonight’s bachelors! And, remember: Our audience can see them, but none of our contestants can see each other. First up: He’s an architect looking to build a lasting relationship; Please welcome Bachelor #1!

[ reveal Bachelor #1 ]

Bachelor #1: Hi, Judy! Uh — I can’t see you, but your voice sounds lovely.

Judy Peterman: Ohhh! That’s sweet!

Dirk Ellington: [ chuckling facetiously ] Uh, next up, we actually have a duo. They’re best friends with pipes as smooth as baby butt lotion; Please welcome Bachelors #2!

[ reveal the “Dick in a Box” singers, in their first live setting ]

Singer #1: [ smoothly ] Hey, girl! [ smooth R&B music plays ] You sound like a real Tenderoni!”

Singer #2: “Tenderoni!”

Singer #1: “So come and take a ride with us…”

Judy Peterman: Wow! TWO bachelors for the price of ONE! How unexpected!

Dirk Ellington: Oh, it sure is! Now, let’s meet our final contestant… Oh, that’s weird — it’s also a duo! They’re brothers originally from Czechoslavakia; Please welcome Bachelors #3!

[ reveal the Festrunk Brothers swinging and dancing ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Hellooooo, female American fox! I am Yortuk Festrunk, and now you will meet my brother Georg!

Georg Festrunk: Yo! Your swinging dream dates have finally arrived for YOU!

Yortuk Festrunk: So get ready to take a hike! Because we are…

Together: Two wild and crazy guys!

Bachelor #1: [ concerned ] I’m sorry… should I have brought a buddy?

Dirk Ellington: No, you’re good! You’re good! Let’s begin. Judy, the floor is yours.

Judy Peterman: Okay! Bachelor #1: Describe your perfect date.

Bachelor #1: Uhhh — well, I guess we would start out with cocktails at the peninsula, and then we would get naughty and skip right to dessert… [ he chuckles nervously ] And then, after that, we would just take a stroll in the moonlight.

Judy Peterman: [ unenthused ] That sounds okay. Bachelors #2: Same question.

Singer #1: Our day would go down like this. Listen: [ sexy music plays ]”First thing we’d do, is take you shopping.”

Singer #2: “Oo-oo-ooh, down at the mall.”

Singer #1: “Then lay you down slow and do you right.”

Singer #2: “Both of us railin’ on your BUTT!”

Singer #1: “Romance!”

Dirk Ellington: Sooooo, to recap: They would take you to the mall… and rail… on your BUTT! How does that sound, Judy?

Judy Peterman: [ laughing ] I don’t hate it!

Bachelor #1: [ stunned ] Seriously?

Judy Peterman: Okay, Bachelors #3: Your perfect date?

Yortuk Festrunk: Okay, Chief! Time to shoot the breeze!

Georg Festrunk: First on the date, we will have many bottles of sparkly wine… from Long Island!

Yortuk Festrunk: Then! Hold your horses, buddy! Because it’s time for a personal ride in our own stretch limousine!

Georg Festrunk: Which we own… for work.

Yortuk Festrunk: Next thing you are knowing… you will want NO CLOTHES with us!

Georg Festrunk: And we’ll all night — we’ll spend the night next to your BIG American breasts!

Dirk Ellington: Judy? Thoughts?

Judy Peterman: Well, they’re very direct! And, these days, that’s refreshing!

Dirk Ellington: Well, I find that answer refreshing!

Bachelor #1: [ matter-of-factly ] Oh, I’m going to lose.

Dirk Ellington: Next question!

Judy Peterman: Bachelor #1: What’s your favorite place on Earth?

Bachelor #1: Well, I love the ice skating rink in Akron, whrre I grew up —

Judy Peterman: No. I don’t like that. [she clears her throat ] Bachelors #2: It’s raining out, and we have to stay in. Describe a night at home with me.

Singer #1: Hit it! [ sexy music plays ] “It’s raining out…”

Bachelor #1: [ flummoxed ] Were you guys given the questions beforehand?

Singer #2: “Oo-oo-ooh, soaking WET!”

Singer #1: “We dry you off with an old rug.”

Singer #2: “It’s softerthan it sounds!”

Singer #1: “We’ll get into bed, and watch, our favorite cartoon.
I’m talkin’ ’bout:”

Singer #2: “Hewey..”

Singer #1: “AND!”

Singer #2: “Dewey…”

Singer #1: “AND!”

Singer #2: “Louie!”

Singer #1: “Duck Tales!”

Singer #2: “Whoo-ooh!”

Judy Peterman: Wow! That sounds fun and not creepy! Okay! Third bachelors: What’s your best attribute?

Yortuk Festrunk: Okay! Do you know, Judy, what a package is? Ours is so big, you will ENJOY to SEE THEM!!

Georg Festrunk: Don’t worry, Hoss! You can’t miss…

Together: OUR BUL-GES!!

Dirk Ellington: Judy! Care to comment?

Judy Peterman: Well, they’re a little crass… but they are from another country, and I’m sure theu mean well.

Dirk Ellington: Oh, it could be. Guys, how long have you lived in America?

Together: Thirty-seven years!

Dirk Ellington: Still got those accents, huh?

Georg Festrunk: Don’t mention it!

[ they crack up laughing ]

Dirk Ellington: Alright, Judy, it’s, uh, back to you.

Judy Peterman: Okay. Bachelors #2: What’s your favorite season, and why?

Singer #1: We thought you’d never ask.

[ sexy music plays ]

Singer #2: “Girls can’t get preg-nant in the summertime!”

Singer #1: “It’s a known fact!”

Singer #2: “Yeah!”

Singer #1: “And that’s that!”

Singer #2: “Ohhhhh, ladies can’t get preg-nant in the summertime!”

Singer #1: “So throw away that Jimmy hat, girl!”

[ they pull a roll of condoms from their pockets and drop them to the floor ]

Together: “Science!!”

Judy Peterman: [ excited ] That was great! Um — do another!

Singer #1: If you insist. [ fast up-tempo music plays ] “There’s a brand new fad that’s sweeping the nation!”

Singer #2: “It’s called Smoke & Crack!”

Singer #1: “Guaranteed to get the party started!”

Singer #2: “No, no side effects!”

Singer #1: “Stay in achool!”

Dirk Ellington: Wait, wait, guys… I’m just gonna stop you right there, guys. I know for a fact there IS a side effect from smoking crack. [ a beat ] It’s called FUN!!

Bachelor #1: I’m sorry… but I think you skipped me?

Dirk Ellington: Shut up! No time. Judy, uh, who’s your final pick? Will it be Bachelor Number…?

Judy Peterman: [ quickly ] I choose 2 and 3 and NOT 1!

Dirk Ellington: Yeahhhhh, that tracks! Let’s have our winners come out and MEET JUDY!!

[ both sets of bachelors swagger down upon the stage ]

Singer #1: Hit it!

Singer #2: “Hoo-wee!”

Singer #1: “You know, we had a great time on this dumb-ass show!”

Singer #2: “‘Cuz we formed a tremendous alliance.”

Yortuk Festrunk: Now we will swing with this American fox!

Georg Festrunk: I can’t believe you guys are not BLACK!

Singer #1: That happens a lot…

Singer #2: Yeah, we get that all the time.

Yortuk Festrunk: And what’s with that singing?

Singer #2: “We’ve had two-ways, three-ways…”

Together: “About to have FIVE!”

Altogether: ‘Cuz we are four wild and crazy guyyyyyyyssss!!!”

Judy Peterman: And Judy!

[ title card appears, as Dirk struts across the stage ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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