Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 16
It’s a Date
Dirk Ellington…..Bill Hader
Judy Peterman…..Vanessa Bayer
Bachelor #1…..Bobby Moynihan
Singer #1…..Andy Samberg
Singer #2…..Justin Timberlake
Yortuk Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Georg Festrunk…..Steve Martin
Announcer: Welcome to “It’s a Date”! The ONLY dating game show still on TV! Now, here’s your host — Dirk Ellington!
Dirk Ellington: [ running out ] Hello, everybody! And welcome to “It’s a Date”! I’m Dirk Ellington, and I feel AWFUL! But enough about me. Let’s meet our lovely bchelorette! She’s a nurse from Bayport, with a penchant for making muffins — please welcome Judy Peterman![ reveal Judy ]
Judy Peterman: Hey, Dirk! I’m happy to be here!
Dirk Ellington: Alright, let’s meet tonight’s bachelors! And, remember: Our audience can see them, but none of our contestants can see each other. First up: He’s an architect looking to build a lasting relationship; Please welcome Bachelor #1![ reveal Bachelor #1 ]
Bachelor #1: Hi, Judy! Uh — I can’t see you, but your voice sounds lovely.
Judy Peterman: Ohhh! That’s sweet!
Dirk Ellington: [ chuckling facetiously ] Uh, next up, we actually have a duo. They’re best friends with pipes as smooth as baby butt lotion; Please welcome Bachelors #2![ reveal the “Dick in a Box” singers, in their first live setting ]
Singer #1: [ smoothly ] Hey, girl! [ smooth R&B music plays ] You sound like a real Tenderoni!”
Singer #2: “Tenderoni!”
Singer #1: “So come and take a ride with us…”
Judy Peterman: Wow! TWO bachelors for the price of ONE! How unexpected!
Dirk Ellington: Oh, it sure is! Now, let’s meet our final contestant… Oh, that’s weird — it’s also a duo! They’re brothers originally from Czechoslavakia; Please welcome Bachelors #3![ reveal the Festrunk Brothers swinging and dancing ]
Yortuk Festrunk: Hellooooo, female American fox! I am Yortuk Festrunk, and now you will meet my brother Georg!
Georg Festrunk: Yo! Your swinging dream dates have finally arrived for YOU!
Yortuk Festrunk: So get ready to take a hike! Because we are…
Together: Two wild and crazy guys!
Bachelor #1: [ concerned ] I’m sorry… should I have brought a buddy?
Dirk Ellington: No, you’re good! You’re good! Let’s begin. Judy, the floor is yours.
Judy Peterman: Okay! Bachelor #1: Describe your perfect date.
Bachelor #1: Uhhh — well, I guess we would start out with cocktails at the peninsula, and then we would get naughty and skip right to dessert… [ he chuckles nervously ] And then, after that, we would just take a stroll in the moonlight.
Judy Peterman: [ unenthused ] That sounds okay. Bachelors #2: Same question.
Singer #1: Our day would go down like this. Listen: [ sexy music plays ]”First thing we’d do, is take you shopping.”
Singer #2: “Oo-oo-ooh, down at the mall.”
Singer #1: “Then lay you down slow and do you right.”
Singer #2: “Both of us railin’ on your BUTT!”
Singer #1: “Romance!”
Dirk Ellington: Sooooo, to recap: They would take you to the mall… and rail… on your BUTT! How does that sound, Judy?
Judy Peterman: [ laughing ] I don’t hate it!
Bachelor #1: [ stunned ] Seriously?
Judy Peterman: Okay, Bachelors #3: Your perfect date?
Yortuk Festrunk: Okay, Chief! Time to shoot the breeze!
Georg Festrunk: First on the date, we will have many bottles of sparkly wine… from Long Island!
Yortuk Festrunk: Then! Hold your horses, buddy! Because it’s time for a personal ride in our own stretch limousine!
Georg Festrunk: Which we own… for work.
Yortuk Festrunk: Next thing you are knowing… you will want NO CLOTHES with us!
Georg Festrunk: And we’ll all night — we’ll spend the night next to your BIG American breasts!
Dirk Ellington: Judy? Thoughts?
Judy Peterman: Well, they’re very direct! And, these days, that’s refreshing!
Dirk Ellington: Well, I find that answer refreshing!
Bachelor #1: [ matter-of-factly ] Oh, Im going to lose.
Dirk Ellington: Next question!
Judy Peterman: Bachelor #1: What’s your favorite place on Earth?
Bachelor #1: Well, I love the ice skating rink in Akron, whrre I grew up —
Judy Peterman: No. I don’t like that. [she clears her throat ] Bachelors #2: It’s raining out, and we have to stay in. Describe a night at home with me.
Singer #1: Hit it! [ sexy music plays ] “It’s raining out…”
Bachelor #1: [ flummoxed ] Were you guys given the questions beforehand?
Singer #2: “Oo-oo-ooh, soaking WET!”
Singer #1: “We dry you off with an old rug.”
Singer #2: “It’s softerthan it sounds!”
Singer #1: “We’ll get into bed, and watch, our favorite cartoon.
I’m talkin’ ’bout:”
Singer #2: “Hewey..”
Singer #1: “AND!”
Singer #2: “Dewey…”
Singer #1: “AND!”
Singer #2: “Louie!”
Singer #1: “Duck Tales!”
Singer #2: “Whoo-ooh!”
Judy Peterman: Wow! That sounds fun and not creepy! Okay! Third bachelors: What’s your best attribute?
Yortuk Festrunk: Okay! Do you know, Judy, what a package is? Ours is so big, you will ENJOY to SEE THEM!!
Georg Festrunk: Don’t worry, Hoss! You can’t miss…
Together: OUR BUL-GES!!
Dirk Ellington: Judy! Care to comment?
Judy Peterman: Well, they’re a little crass… but they are from another country, and I’m sure theu mean well.
Dirk Ellington: Oh, it could be. Guys, how long have you lived in America?
Together: Thirty-seven years!
Dirk Ellington: Still got those accents, huh?
Georg Festrunk: Don’t mention it![ they crack up laughing ]
Dirk Ellington: Alright, Judy, it’s, uh, back to you.
Judy Peterman: Okay. Bachelors #2: What’s your favorite season, and why?
Singer #1: We thought you’d never ask.[ sexy music plays ]
Singer #2: “Girls can’t get preg-nant in the summertime!”
Singer #1: “It’s a known fact!”
Singer #2: “Yeah!”
Singer #1: “And that’s that!”
Singer #2: “Ohhhhh, ladies can’t get preg-nant in the summertime!”
Singer #1: “So throw away that Jimmy hat, girl!”[ they pull a roll of condoms from their pockets and drop them to the floor ]
Judy Peterman: [ excited ] That was great! Um — do another!
Singer #1: If you insist. [ fast up-tempo music plays ] “There’s a brand new fad that’s sweeping the nation!”
Singer #2: “It’s called Smoke & Crack!”
Singer #1: “Guaranteed to get the party started!”
Singer #2: “No, no side effects!”
Singer #1: “Stay in achool!”
Dirk Ellington: Wait, wait, guys… I’m just gonna stop you right there, guys. I know for a fact there IS a side effect from smoking crack. [ a beat ] Its called FUN!!
Bachelor #1: I’m sorry… but I think you skipped me?
Dirk Ellington: Shut up! No time. Judy, uh, who’s your final pick? Will it be Bachelor Number…?
Judy Peterman: [ quickly ] I choose 2 and 3 and NOT 1!
Dirk Ellington: Yeahhhhh, that tracks! Let’s have our winners come out and MEET JUDY!![ both sets of bachelors swagger down upon the stage ]
Singer #1: Hit it!
Singer #2: “Hoo-wee!”
Singer #1: “You know, we had a great time on this dumb-ass show!”
Singer #2: “‘Cuz we formed a tremendous alliance.”
Yortuk Festrunk: Now we will swing with this American fox!
Georg Festrunk: I can’t believe you guys are not BLACK!
Singer #1: That happens a lot…
Singer #2: Yeah, we get that all the time.
Yortuk Festrunk: And what’s with that singing?
Singer #2: “We’ve had two-ways, three-ways…”
Together: “About to have FIVE!”
Altogether: ‘Cuz we are four wild and crazy guyyyyyyyssss!!!”
Judy Peterman: And Judy![ title card appears, as Dirk struts across the stage ] [ fade ]