Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 16
Justin Timberlake’s Monologue
Doorman…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
Announcer: Ladies and gebtlemen — Justin Timberlake!
Justin Timberlake: [ laughing ] Ah! Very nice! Thank you! Thank you! Yes — Your check is in the mail! It is GREAT to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the… [ counting on his fingers ] FIFTH time! [ the audience cheers ] There are so many exciting things about hosting five times. You get to see… old friends; you get to try new things; you get to inevitably let everyone down, thanks to overly high expectations — Thanks, Internet! But the BEST part is… they give you one of these: [ he holds up a card ] That’s right, membership into the Five-Timers Club. [ the audience applauds wildly ] In case you don’t know, this is the most exclusive club in New York. Come on — let’s check it out.
[ he runs off Home Base ]
[ dissolve to close-up of door to the Five-Timers Club, as Timberlake approaches and knocks ]
Doorman: Welcome to the Five-Timers Club! We’ve been expecting you, Mr. Timberlake!
Justin Timberlake: [ taking it all in ] Wow…
Doorman: Smoking jacket?
Justin Timberlake: Please. Thanks. [ after his jacket is put on him ] This is fantastic! [ he looks up as he hears guitar music ] What? Oh, my God… is that…? [ Paul Simon appears ] Paul Simon!
Paul Simon: [ shaking hands ] Welcome to the club.
Justin Timberlake: Mr. Simon, the honor is mine.
Paul Simon: [ nodding ] I think it is. Hey, uh — would you like to meet some of the other members?
Justin Timberlake: Uh… sure.
Paul Simon: Do you know Steve Martin?
[ Steve Martin stands to thunderous applause ]
Steve Martin: Wellllll, Justin Timberlake. Welcome to the club, ol’ boy. I always thought if an ‘N Sync member made the Five-Timers Club, it would be Joey Fatone.
Paul Simon: No, no, no. Believe me… this is a great addition to the club. He’s a multi-talented guy, he can do everything.
Steve Martin: Sooooo… you play banjo?
Justin Timberlake: Uh… no, no, no, not really…
Steve Martin: Ohhhh. So, not… everything? [ he bites his pipe ] Come on, Justin. Let’s get a drink.
[ they approach the bar, where Dan Aykroyd stands at duty ]
Justin Timberlake: Dan Aykroyd?! You’re a Five-Timer?
Steve Martin: No, no, no. No, Danny here is a bartender. It’s the best he can do, having only hosted once.
Justin Timberlake: But he is original cast — surely, that means something, right?
Steve Martin: [ chuckling heartily ] You’re adorable! [ to Aykroyd ] Cocktail menus?
Dan Aykroyd: Here you are, Mr. Martin.
Steve Martin: Uhhh — let’s keep the chitchat to a minimum, Danny.
[ Aykroyd bows humbly, as Timberlake glances at the menu ]
Justin Timberlake: Uhhh — I’ll have the Kristen Wiig.
Steve Martin: Oh, and, by the way — it’s customary to tip here at the Five-Timers Club. Lucky for Danny.
[ Aykroyd hands Timberlake a wigged cocktail ]
Dan Aykroyd: Your Gilly.
Steve Martin: [ opening his wallet ] Ah — lucky for Danny, I always carry hundreds. Ohh, what luck! I found a One! [ he hands the small bill to Aykroyd ] Come with me, Justin.
Justin Timberlake: [ glancing ] What is this?
Steve Martin: This is the Hall of Portraits. Drew Barrymore: Inducted in 2007; John Goodman: Hosted eleven straight years; and, of course, Chevy.
[ reveal Chevy Chase on the telephone ]
Chevy Chase: Yes, yes… I would like to order one Rolls-Royce… and just send the bill to me, Mr., uh, Steve Martin. Steve! Thank you! [ he tries in vain to hang up the phone, finally succeeding when he actually looks at the handle ]
Steve Martin: Chevy! What a surprise!
Chevy Chase: Steve! I never see you any more!
Steve Martin: I know! It’s a shame!
Chevy Chase: No, it’s on purpose.
Justin Timberlake: [ confused ] Wait… are you guys friends, or not?
Steve Martin: Exactly! [ a beat ] You know, I’m famished. Waiter!
[ Martin Short rushes forward with a tray of hors d’oeuvres ]
Martin Short: Yes! Hors d’oeuvres?
Steve Martin: What?
Chevy Chase: I said… Hors d’oeuvres?
Steve Martin: I believe it’s pronounced… Hoars devoares.
Chevy Chase: Of course, Sir… [ suddenly, he sneezes on the tray, wipes it at Steve’s face with a napkin and recoils at the sight of Chevy’s face ]
Justin Timberlake: Oh, my God…! I just realied I’m standing next to “The Three Amigos”!
Steve Martin: [ humbly ] Well, I guess you’re right.
Justin Timberlake: Is there any chance I could get you guys to do the salute?
Steve Martin & Chevy Chase: No, no… I don’t do that any more…
Chevy Chase: The THREE Amigos! [ he does the salute, much to the audience’s delight ] Sorry.
[ Short rushes off ]
Steve Martin: If there was anywhere else he could go…
[ Alec Baldwin and Tom Hanks enter from the opposite side of the room ]
Alec Baldwin: Hey, you guys! Stop your yammering, and let’s enjoy tonight’s episode!
Justin Timberlake: Alec Baldwin and Tom Hanks!
[ they all shake hands ]
Tom Hanks: Come, Young Justin! You won’t want to miss this!
[ the two men sit on the couch ]
Justin Timberlake: What are we looking at here?
Alec Baldwin: You know, one of the joys, J.T. of being a Fiver is making the cast members FIGHT for your entertainment.
[ Taran Killam and Bobby Moynihan begin to fight mano-a-mano for the men ]
Alec Baldwin: Cover your FACE, Bobby!
Tom Hanks: Yes. You see, unlike us, young cast have to scrap and claw for the chance to be on the show… Gouge his eyes, Taran!!
Justin Timberlake: It seems a little brutal.
Alec Baldwin: No, it’s all in good fun… Finish him, Bobby!!
[ Bobby jumps up and punches an off-camera Taran ]
Tom Hanks: Well done! Well done! Go get yourself a BEER, young man!
Bobby Moynihan: [ weeping ] I killed my friend!
Tom Hanks: And I LOVE Drunk Uncle!
Bobby Moynihan: [ smiling ] Thank you! [ he walks off ]
Alec Baldwin: [ pleased ] So, J.T., a Five-Timer. I remember when I put on the jacket so long ago. I was a different man then: No sudden fits of rage…
Justin Timberlake: [ laughing ] THat’s a good one, Alec!
Alec Baldwin: [ sternly ] It wasn’t a joke, J.T. I’ll let you know when I’m joking.
[ Candice Bergen enters ]
Candice Bergen: Relax, Alec!
Justin Timberlake: Oh! Candice Bergen? The first female member of the Five-Timers Club!
Candice Bergen: And I would like to say something: I, too, wish we had a second bathroom, but… while we’re all sharing, could you please try to remember to leave the toilet seat down?
Tom Hanks: Don’t look at me!
Alec Baldwin: I didn’t do it!
AMartin Short: [ proudly ] I go in the sink!
Justin Timberlake: This place is the BEST! I love being a Five-Timer!
Candice Bergen: Well, then… why don’t you just take advantage of it?
Justin Timberlake: Make it official?
Candice Bergen: That’s right.
Justin Timberlake: We got a great show. EVERYBODY is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!