Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 16
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Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
…..Seth Meyers
Stefon…..Bill Hader
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers!
Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers! Here are tonight’s top stories:
Several anti-American leaders, including Raul Castro and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, on Friday attended the funeral of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. A funeral that was held, I’m guessing, on an island shaped like a skull.
A man in Italy who was dressed like a bishop, Monday, tried to sneak into a meeting of cardinals in the Vatican as they tried to choose a new Pope. [ image: Dennis Rodman dressed like a bishop ] Dude, just mind your own business for a while! You don’t have to be everywhere! We’re good! We’re great without your help.
Mexico’s Carlos Slim tops this year’s list of the richest people in the world, with an estimated wealth of $73 billion — which, in pesos, works out to infinity. Infinity pesos.
Both Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher have confirmed that they will reprise their roles of Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia in the upcoming “Star Wars” sequels. Said another former “Star Wars” actor: [ image: Jar Jar Binks ] “Meesa waitin’ by da phone!”
Hopefully, Hamill and Fisher have aged better than Chewbacca. [ image: Chewbacca with receding hairline ]
The TSA, this week, announced that it will now allow airline passengers to carry previously banned pocket knives, baseball bats and pool cues on planes. And no one’s happier than Honkytonk Bar Fight Airlines.
Playboy, this week, launched a Hebrew language version of their magazine. Although, as far as I know, it could have always been in Hebrew.
And, remember: With the Hebrew edition of Playboy, you look at the models’ breasts from right to left. If you get that — Mazel Tov!
A man in Maine was surprised when he found a knife inside his 2 year-old son’s Elmo birthday cake. And a man in jail was disappointed to get a cake that was just Elmo.
In an effort to stop declining sales, Hooters is now trying to attract women to their restaurants by remodeling their stores and adding salads to the menu. Which is like trying to attract women to your sex dungeon by playing Adele in the background.
This Sunday is Daylight Savings Time, so don’t forget the clock on your oven will be wrong for six months.
Seth Meyers: After a long winter, Spring hits New York in a couple of weeks, and with it will come MILLIONS of springtime tourists. Here with some tips on what they should check out, is our City Correspondent — Stefon!
Stefon: Hiii.
Seth Meyers: Hi, Stefon! It’s been a while
Stefon: I know. This job writing for “Smash” is killing me.
Seth Meyers: Oh. That makes a lot of sense. So, Stefon — a lot of people are anxious to enjoy the city once the weather gets warm. What are some places folks should check out if they’re looking for a Spring outing?
Stefon: If it’s warm and you want to be outed… I know just the place for you: New York’s hottest club is [ high-pitched squeal ] Maaaaaaary! Opened in 1997 by missing Folida woman Lisa Martinez, this club is currently going 90 miles per hour down Westside Highway. This place has EVERYTHING: Charts, graphs, Powerpoint, a guy who still thinks Jamba Juice is good for you. And if you liked Russell Crowe in “Les Misérables”, you might want to hear Jasper the gorilla pass a kidney stone! [ he covers his face with his hands ]
Seth Meyers: This place sounds fancy.
Stefon: It is. There’s even a password — The last words of murdered blues legend Sweet Willie Walker.
Seth Meyers: Oh? what were his last words?
Stefon: [ in loud ghetto accent ] “My wallet?! Yeahhhhhhh, right!” [ he folds his arms tightly, then covers his face with his hands ]
Seth Meyers: Stefon… maybe we should try to think a little more family-oriented, you know? A place for the holidays.
Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Yessssss! I know just the place for you. New Yorks hottest club is [ deep-voiced ] Your Mother And I Are Separating. [ he covers his face with his hands ] Don’t be fooled by the charred Red Lobster sign out front; this club IS a burned-out Red Lobster. And it has EVERYTHING: A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, a sensible dinner, those shoes that nurses wear… And you can dance the night away to the sounds of Donald Duck having a Vietnam nightmare.
Seth Meyers: What does that sound like?
[ Stefon makes wheezy sleping sounds, then jolts into loud, wheezy, hyperventilating sounds ]
Seth Meyers: You dance the night away to that?
Stefon: Yeah!
Seth Meyers: Well, Stefon — Spring Break is coming up. Any tips for college kids coming to have a safe and fun Spring Break?
Stefon: [ smiling sadistically ] Yesss!
Seth Meyers: Okay.
Stefon: Safe and fun. If youre looking to get hurt and go completely insane, I know JUST the place for you! New York’s hottest club is [ squeezing his hand into a fist and pursing his lips at it ] So-phieeee! Based on the novel “Push” by Sapphire… [ he cracks up and covers his face with his hands ] Club promoter Joseph Gordon-Fisherman opened a SoHo hotspot located in a haunted diaper. When it comes to Spring Break, this place has EVERYTHING: Chutes, ladders, the outdoor concert from a Zoloft commercial… [ he cracks himself up ] If that’s not enouh for you, you can hit the dance floor with a human fanny pack.
Seth Meyers: Now… for those of us who don’t know, what is a human fanny pack?
Stefon: It’s that thing of when a midget hangs around your waist… and holds your passport in his mouth! [ he cracks up and covers his face with his hands ]
Seth Meyers: I don’t know if this is what we’re looking for…
Stefon: Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine! I have two questions: Will you spend Spring Break with me… and Why not?
Seth Meyers: I can’t. Im taking my serious girlfriend to Mexico.
Stefon: To kill her? [ he crosses his fingers ]
Seth Meyers: No!!
Stefon: [ he pouts ] Well… if you go with me, you can join my Five-Timers Club!
Seth Meyers: [ smiling; curious ] What do I have to do five times?
[ Stefon keeps his lips pursed ]
Stefon: For “Weekend Update”, Im the future Mrs. Stefon Meyers! Good night!
Seth Meyers: Good night!
[ they hug to fade ]
