SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 04/06/13: The Art of the Encounter

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 17

12q: Melissa McCarthy / Phoenix

The Art of the Encounter

Donna Fingerneck…..Cecily Strong
Jody Cork…..Kate McKinnon
Veronica Shanks…..Melissa McCarthy
Mario Ward…..Taran KillanDates…..Bboby Moynihan, Tim Robinson

[ open on title card ] [ dissolve to girls seated on set ]

Donna Fingerneck: Hi! I’m Donna Fingerneck.

Jody Cork: And I’m Jody Cork. Dating in the 90’s is tricky and hard, isn’t it?

Donna Fingerneck: Do you have a hard time starting conversations with men?

Jody Cork: Do you have a hard time keeping a man’s interest?

Donna Fingerneck: Do you have a hard time maintaining a romantic air?

Jody Cork: Do you feel like you’re getting left behind in romance areas?

Donna Fingerneck: Are you ever at a party, and you drop your steak on the floor because you’re so nervous?

Jody Cork: Have you ever missed a party pinata so bad that you did over $400,000 worth of damage?

Donna Fingerneck: Have you?

Jody Cork: Have you?

Donna Fingerneck: Have you? Yes, you have — if you are. Hi! We’re here to put soem tools in your relationship toolbag.

Jody Cork: Watch this love encounter scenario, starring Veronica Shanks and Mario Ward.

Donna Fingerneck: Veronica has her eye on an eligible man. But can she follow our first rule and play it cool?

Jody Cork: Let’s see, by watching!

[ they turn to watch, as the scene dissolves to Veronica and Mario standing over a punch bowl ]

Veronica Shanks: Mmm… this punch is so good!

Mario Ward: It is! And so is the party music. Mmm… fruit punch!

Veronica Shanks: I didn’t see you there. I’m desperate for a man, and I’ll do ANYTHING to impress you! Do you wanna see me drink from this punch bowl? [ she holds up the bowl and slurps from it ]

Mario Ward: Mmm… that’s not fun. I’m gonna go enjoy the party music away from you. [ he wanders off ] [ cut back to Donna and Jody ]

Jody Cork: Did you see where Veronica went wrong?

Donna Fingerneck: I know I did.

Jody Cork: Veronica needs to keep it simple.

Donna Fingerneck: She needs to prepare herself with simple conversation starters, like: Sports Scores.

Jody Cork: Blazers.

Donna Fingerneck: Travel mugs.

Jody Cork: Personal Health Scares.

Donna Fingerneck: And Sports Rumors.

Jody Cork: Watch how Veronica keeps the conversation going, using these techniques.

[ they turn to watch, as the scene dissolves to Veronica and Mario sitting on a park bench ]

Mario Ward: [ checking his watch ] I feel like this bus is NEVER going to arrive!

Veronica Shanks: Hey, did you hear about those SPORTS SCORES?! Their team was one of them!

Mario Ward: [ impressed ] Wow! I didn’t expect a girl like you to know about my interests!

Veronica Shanks: Wait ’til I start talking about BLAZERS and TRAVEL MUGS!

Mario Ward: You really are surprising me with how INTERESTING you are!

Veronica Shanks: What can I do to make you happy? I would do ANYTHING! I would tickle the top of your man-package if that will make you like me more.

Mario Ward: Mmm… you just bored me. You need to work on yourself. [ he stands and walsk away ] [ return to Donna and Jody ]

Jody Cork: Veronica had a great start there, but once again fell off track.

Donna Fingerneck: Exactly! Did you notice that she didn’t make the right kind of physical contact?

Jody Cork: It’s always great to seal the deal with a touch that isn’t too forward.

Donna Fingerneck: Like cupping his elbows slightly while you bring up one knee.

Jody Cork: Take your tiny finger and tap the fabric of his sweater and say, “Is this real?”

Donna Fingerneck: Use your second and fourth finger to admire his watch.

Jody Cork: Watch Veronica in our last sceneario. I think you’ll see she’s finally put it all together!

Donna Fingerneck: Get ready for a happy ending, as Veronic snags her Mr. Right using our successful tips and techniques.

[ they place their hands to their faces and turn to watch, as the scene dissolves to Veronica and Mario in a supermarket aisle ]

Mario Ward: Boy… who knew there were so many cereals?

Veronica Shanks: [ laughing, as she grabs his elbows and raises her leg ] I was thinking the same thing!

Mario Ward: You don’t say!

Veronica Shanks: [ touching his sweater ] Hey! That is a nice sweater!

Mario Ward: Thanks! I’d… given up on it.

Veronica Shanks: Do you want to get on the ground now?

Mario Ward: Why?

Veronica Shanks: So I can do the splits on your face!

Mario Ward: I like that! My name’s Mario. Yuo seem submissive, can I buy you dinner?

Veronica Shanks: I’m gonna do the splits now, so you need to get into place!

Mario Ward: Got it!

[ he drops to the ground ,as she crouches over him ] [ return to Donna and Jody with two men ]

Donna Fingerneck: Way to go, Veronica! We knew you’d get there!

Jody Cork: We did!

Donna Fingerneck: Order now for 248 VHS tapes, and you’ll be in a relationship in no time! We’d love to give you more tips, but our dates are here.

Jody Cork: With corsages!

[ fade ]

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