Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 17
The Art of the Encounter
Donna Fingerneck…..Cecily Strong
Jody Cork…..Kate McKinnon
Veronica Shanks…..Melissa McCarthy
Mario Ward…..Taran KillanDates…..Bboby Moynihan, Tim Robinson
[ open on title card ]
[ dissolve to girls seated on set ]
Donna Fingerneck: Hi! I’m Donna Fingerneck.
Jody Cork: And I’m Jody Cork. Dating in the 90’s is tricky and hard, isn’t it?
Donna Fingerneck: Do you have a hard time starting conversations with men?
Jody Cork: Do you have a hard time keeping a man’s interest?
Donna Fingerneck: Do you have a hard time maintaining a romantic air?
Jody Cork: Do you feel like you’re getting left behind in romance areas?
Donna Fingerneck: Are you ever at a party, and you drop your steak on the floor because you’re so nervous?
Jody Cork: Have you ever missed a party pinata so bad that you did over $400,000 worth of damage?
Donna Fingerneck: Have you?
Jody Cork: Have you?
Donna Fingerneck: Have you? Yes, you have — if you are. Hi! We’re here to put soem tools in your relationship toolbag.
Jody Cork: Watch this love encounter scenario, starring Veronica Shanks and Mario Ward.
Donna Fingerneck: Veronica has her eye on an eligible man. But can she follow our first rule and play it cool?
Jody Cork: Let’s see, by watching!
[ they turn to watch, as the scene dissolves to Veronica and Mario standing over a punch bowl ]
Veronica Shanks: Mmm… this punch is so good!
Mario Ward: It is! And so is the party music. Mmm… fruit punch!
Veronica Shanks: I didn’t see you there. I’m desperate for a man, and I’ll do ANYTHING to impress you! Do you wanna see me drink from this punch bowl? [ she holds up the bowl and slurps from it ]
Mario Ward: Mmm… that’s not fun. I’m gonna go enjoy the party music away from you. [ he wanders off ]
[ cut back to Donna and Jody ]
Jody Cork: Did you see where Veronica went wrong?
Donna Fingerneck: I know I did.
Jody Cork: Veronica needs to keep it simple.
Donna Fingerneck: She needs to prepare herself with simple conversation starters, like: Sports Scores.
Jody Cork: Blazers.
Donna Fingerneck: Travel mugs.
Jody Cork: Personal Health Scares.
Donna Fingerneck: And Sports Rumors.
Jody Cork: Watch how Veronica keeps the conversation going, using these techniques.
[ they turn to watch, as the scene dissolves to Veronica and Mario sitting on a park bench ]
Mario Ward: [ checking his watch ] I feel like this bus is NEVER going to arrive!
Veronica Shanks: Hey, did you hear about those SPORTS SCORES?! Their team was one of them!
Mario Ward: [ impressed ] Wow! I didn’t expect a girl like you to know about my interests!
Veronica Shanks: Wait ’til I start talking about BLAZERS and TRAVEL MUGS!
Mario Ward: You really are surprising me with how INTERESTING you are!
Veronica Shanks: What can I do to make you happy? I would do ANYTHING! I would tickle the top of your man-package if that will make you like me more.
Mario Ward: Mmm… you just bored me. You need to work on yourself. [ he stands and walsk away ]
[ return to Donna and Jody ]
Jody Cork: Veronica had a great start there, but once again fell off track.
Donna Fingerneck: Exactly! Did you notice that she didn’t make the right kind of physical contact?
Jody Cork: It’s always great to seal the deal with a touch that isn’t too forward.
Donna Fingerneck: Like cupping his elbows slightly while you bring up one knee.
Jody Cork: Take your tiny finger and tap the fabric of his sweater and say, “Is this real?”
Donna Fingerneck: Use your second and fourth finger to admire his watch.
Jody Cork: Watch Veronica in our last sceneario. I think you’ll see she’s finally put it all together!
Donna Fingerneck: Get ready for a happy ending, as Veronic snags her Mr. Right using our successful tips and techniques.
[ they place their hands to their faces and turn to watch, as the scene dissolves to Veronica and Mario in a supermarket aisle ]
Mario Ward: Boy… who knew there were so many cereals?
Veronica Shanks: [ laughing, as she grabs his elbows and raises her leg ] I was thinking the same thing!
Mario Ward: You don’t say!
Veronica Shanks: [ touching his sweater ] Hey! That is a nice sweater!
Mario Ward: Thanks! I’d… given up on it.
Veronica Shanks: Do you want to get on the ground now?
Mario Ward: Why?
Veronica Shanks: So I can do the splits on your face!
Mario Ward: I like that! My name’s Mario. Yuo seem submissive, can I buy you dinner?
Veronica Shanks: I’m gonna do the splits now, so you need to get into place!
Mario Ward: Got it!
[ he drops to the ground ,as she crouches over him ]
[ return to Donna and Jody with two men ]
Donna Fingerneck: Way to go, Veronica! We knew you’d get there!
Jody Cork: We did!
Donna Fingerneck: Order now for 248 VHS tapes, and you’ll be in a relationship in no time! We’d love to give you more tips, but our dates are here.
Jody Cork: With corsages!
[ fade ]