SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 04/06/13: The Art of the Encounter


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 17

12q: Melissa McCarthy / Phoenix

The Art of the Encounter

Donna Fingerneck…..Cecily Strong
Jody Cork…..Kate McKinnon
Veronica Shanks…..Melissa McCarthy
Mario Ward…..Taran KillanDates…..Bboby Moynihan, Tim Robinson

[ open on title card ] [ dissolve to girls seated on set ]

Donna Fingerneck: Hi! I’m Donna Fingerneck.

Jody Cork: And I’m Jody Cork. Dating in the 90’s is tricky and hard, isn’t it?

Donna Fingerneck: Do you have a hard time starting conversations with men?

Jody Cork: Do you have a hard time keeping a man’s interest?

Donna Fingerneck: Do you have a hard time maintaining a romantic air?

Jody Cork: Do you feel like you’re getting left behind in romance areas?

Donna Fingerneck: Are you ever at a party, and you drop your steak on the floor because you’re so nervous?

Jody Cork: Have you ever missed a party pinata so bad that you did over $400,000 worth of damage?

Donna Fingerneck: Have you?

Jody Cork: Have you?

Donna Fingerneck: Have you? Yes, you have — if you are. Hi! We’re here to put soem tools in your relationship toolbag.

Jody Cork: Watch this love encounter scenario, starring Veronica Shanks and Mario Ward.

Donna Fingerneck: Veronica has her eye on an eligible man. But can she follow our first rule and play it cool?

Jody Cork: Let’s see, by watching!

[ they turn to watch, as the scene dissolves to Veronica and Mario standing over a punch bowl ]

Veronica Shanks: Mmm… this punch is so good!

Mario Ward: It is! And so is the party music. Mmm… fruit punch!

Veronica Shanks: I didn’t see you there. I’m desperate for a man, and I’ll do ANYTHING to impress you! Do you wanna see me drink from this punch bowl? [ she holds up the bowl and slurps from it ]

Mario Ward: Mmm… that’s not fun. I’m gonna go enjoy the party music away from you. [ he wanders off ] [ cut back to Donna and Jody ]

Jody Cork: Did you see where Veronica went wrong?

Donna Fingerneck: I know I did.

Jody Cork: Veronica needs to keep it simple.

Donna Fingerneck: She needs to prepare herself with simple conversation starters, like: Sports Scores.

Jody Cork: Blazers.

Donna Fingerneck: Travel mugs.

Jody Cork: Personal Health Scares.

Donna Fingerneck: And Sports Rumors.

Jody Cork: Watch how Veronica keeps the conversation going, using these techniques.

[ they turn to watch, as the scene dissolves to Veronica and Mario sitting on a park bench ]

Mario Ward: [ checking his watch ] I feel like this bus is NEVER going to arrive!

Veronica Shanks: Hey, did you hear about those SPORTS SCORES?! Their team was one of them!

Mario Ward: [ impressed ] Wow! I didn’t expect a girl like you to know about my interests!

Veronica Shanks: Wait ’til I start talking about BLAZERS and TRAVEL MUGS!

Mario Ward: You really are surprising me with how INTERESTING you are!

Veronica Shanks: What can I do to make you happy? I would do ANYTHING! I would tickle the top of your man-package if that will make you like me more.

Mario Ward: Mmm… you just bored me. You need to work on yourself. [ he stands and walsk away ] [ return to Donna and Jody ]

Jody Cork: Veronica had a great start there, but once again fell off track.

Donna Fingerneck: Exactly! Did you notice that she didn’t make the right kind of physical contact?

Jody Cork: It’s always great to seal the deal with a touch that isn’t too forward.

Donna Fingerneck: Like cupping his elbows slightly while you bring up one knee.

Jody Cork: Take your tiny finger and tap the fabric of his sweater and say, “Is this real?”

Donna Fingerneck: Use your second and fourth finger to admire his watch.

Jody Cork: Watch Veronica in our last sceneario. I think you’ll see she’s finally put it all together!

Donna Fingerneck: Get ready for a happy ending, as Veronic snags her Mr. Right using our successful tips and techniques.

[ they place their hands to their faces and turn to watch, as the scene dissolves to Veronica and Mario in a supermarket aisle ]

Mario Ward: Boy… who knew there were so many cereals?

Veronica Shanks: [ laughing, as she grabs his elbows and raises her leg ] I was thinking the same thing!

Mario Ward: You don’t say!

Veronica Shanks: [ touching his sweater ] Hey! That is a nice sweater!

Mario Ward: Thanks! I’d… given up on it.

Veronica Shanks: Do you want to get on the ground now?

Mario Ward: Why?

Veronica Shanks: So I can do the splits on your face!

Mario Ward: I like that! My name’s Mario. Yuo seem submissive, can I buy you dinner?

Veronica Shanks: I’m gonna do the splits now, so you need to get into place!

Mario Ward: Got it!

[ he drops to the ground ,as she crouches over him ] [ return to Donna and Jody with two men ]

Donna Fingerneck: Way to go, Veronica! We knew you’d get there!

Jody Cork: We did!

Donna Fingerneck: Order now for 248 VHS tapes, and you’ll be in a relationship in no time! We’d love to give you more tips, but our dates are here.

Jody Cork: With corsages!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 3 / 5. Vote count: 1

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x