SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 04/06/13: Bathroom Businessman


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 17

12q: Melissa McCarthy / Phoenix

Bathroom Businessman

Businessman…..Kenan Thompson
Secretary…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on Businessman hard at work in his office ]

Announcer: You work hard. And in this economy… you can’t afford to take a break. [ he eats a sandwich in his officer ] But you’re only human. At some point… [ he checks his watch ] you have to go.

[ the Businessman finally runs to the bathroom ]

Announcer: Did you know the average American wastes FIFTEEN minutes a day in the bathroom?

Businessman: [ thrusting his arms up ] I’m flushing my CAREER down the toilet!

Announcer: Well, now you don’t have to…

[ scene morphs to reveal the Businessman sitting on the toilet while surrounded by office equipment ]

Announcer: With the Bathroom Businessman! It’s a fully functional workspace, where you need it MOST — in the bathroom stall.

Businessman: Well, NOW I can finally get some… [ as he farts ] work done!

Announcer: You’ll get a telephone! A desktop computer! Filing cabinets! Even a paper shredder!

[ the Businessman lights a match to absorb the smell ] [ cut to Businessman rolling the kit through the main office area ]

Announcer: And the Bathroom Businessman is portable AND discreet.

Secretary: Oh! Should I hold your calls?

Businessman: Uhhhhh — no! Forward them… to the bathroom!

[ he continues on his way, as she looks quizzically in his wake ]

Announcer: Bathroom Businessman is a CINCH to set up. Simply open the briefcase, remove its contents and begin anchoring the shelves. Then wire the fax modem to the nearest dataport, update your network software, and begin assembling the hard drive.

[ the Businessman looks around the stall in great panic ]

Businessman: I can’t reach the toilet! [ he bangs on the door ] And I can’t get out! Help! He…

[ suddenly, he experiences a bowel movement and is helpless to do anything about it in his confined space ]

Businessman: [ crying ] Oh, no… I just shit in my pants!

[ scene freezes, as public service text appears on-screen ]

Announcer: Don’t let it come to this. Stop texting and checking e-mail on the toilet. Nothing’s that important. And it’s disgusting.

[ dissolve to animated text: ]

Announcer: This has been a public service mesage for Decency.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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