SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 04/06/13: Outside The Lines


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 17

12q: Melissa McCarthy / Phoenix

Outside The Lines

Sheila Kelly…..Melissa McCarthy
Bob Ley…..Bill Hader
Bill Crenshaw…..Tim Robinson
Professor…..Bobby Moynihan
Kenny Watkins…..Jay Pharoah

Announcer: [ over footage of Mike Rice ] This week — Video surfaced of Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice beating, pushing, and using slurs against his players. The ensuing outrage led to rice’s termination. But Mike Rice’s behavior — while shocking — seems gentle when compared to the actions of this woman: [ reveal Sheila Kelly ] Sheila Kelly, Head Coach of Division III’s Middle Delaware State.

[ cut to footage ]

Bob Ley V/O: Tonight, we investigate Sheila Kelly’s reign of terror on “Outside The Lines”.

[ cut to footage of Sheila Kelly on the basketball court ]

Bob Ley V/O: Sheila Kelly has long had a fiery reputation among her peers. But this week, “Outside The Lines” obtained practice video showing exactly how far she has gone to motivate her players. Cursing at them…

Sheila Kelly: I will fucking cut that ponytail off!

Bob Ley V/O: Throwing basketballs…

[ she throws a basketball at a player ]

Bob Ley V/O: Shooting T-shirt guns…

Sheila Kelly: You can’t fucking hide from me! [ she fires a t-shirt at the team as they cower atop the bleachers ]

Bob Ley V/O: Throwing bricks at them…

Sheila Kelly: [ as a player misses a shot ] Guess what? BRICK!! [ she throws a brick at the player ]

Bob Ley V/O: Threatening them with a baseball bat…

Sheila Kelly: You take THAT ball… and you put it through THAT hole… and I won’t hit you with the bat!

Bob Ley V/O: …while they’re on roller skates. Even forcing the players to serve her meals.

Sheila Kelly: Where’s the bread? Where is the bread?! [ a player rushes bread forward ] That’s shitty, shitty bread! [ she throws pieces at the player ] You — eat that!

[ the player relunctantly eats the scrap ]

Bob Ley V/O: I sat down with Delaware State Athletic Director Bill Crenshaw, to ask why Coach Kelly was still ith the team.

[ cut to Bill Crenshaw ]

Bill Crenshaw: Is Coach Kelly unconventional? Sure! Have most, if not all, of the players come to my office and BEGGED for me to replace her? Uhhhhh… YEAH!! But playing college ball isn’t supposed to be easy or fun or rewarding. It’s supposed to make money for the university! And let’s not forget that these kids have it GOO-OOD! They’re all gettig a FREE education!

Bob Ley V/O: While it is true members of the team receive scholarships, “Outside The Lines” has obtained classroom video that calls into question the quality of that education.

[ cut to Professor teaching, as Sheila Kelly rushes into the classroom ]

Sheila Kelly: Yeah, you want to play basketball?! Huh?! Huh?! Do you?! [ she throws basketballs at the students ]

Professor: I’m gonna have to ask you to LEAVE!!

[ Sheila Kelly rushes forward and tazes the professor, then holds up her taser in front of the class ]

Sheila Kelly: Now, who’s next?! Who wants…? I’ll tella ya’! [ she points to a student ] YOU!! You’re next! [ she chases the student, tasing others along the way ]

Professor: [ standing ] Coach Kelly… please stop…

[ she tazes the professor again, then chases the student out of the classroom ]

Bob Ley V/O: We sat down with one-time Assistant Coach Kenny Watkins, who claims the tapes didn’t even show the worst of it.

[ cut to interview footage ]

Kenny Watkins: She said some of the nastiest things I’ve ever heard. Things like, “You must have (bleep) up your butt, ’cause every time you dribble I can see your (bleep), If I wanted to see (bleep) bangin’ (bleep), I’d bring a (bleep) to a truck stop.” It doesn’t even make sense! And I recorded it all. You come back later today, and I’ll play you the tapes.

Bob Ley V/O: But when we came back the next day, Kenny Watkins had changed his tune.

Kenny Watkins: [ with bandage on nose ] I was just joking! Coach Kelly is the BEST!

[ reveal Sheila Kelly staring through the window behind Bob Ley ]

Bob Ley: Is everything all right?

[ in the window, Sheila Kelly makes a slashing motion at her throat ]

Bob Ley V/O: After weeks of dodging our request, Coach Kelly finally agreed to an interview.

[ cut to the one-on-one interview ]

Bob Ley: Can I show you a clip from practice?

Sheila Kelly: I don’t know, can you?

[ Bob Ley plays a clip of Sheila Kelly throwing a toaster at one of her players ]

Sheila Kelly: Yeah, you know why I threw a toaster at you?! ‘Cause you’re TOAST! ‘Cause you’re a piece of shit! You’re a piece of shit on toast! Pick that toaster up! Pick it up!

[ return to the interview ]

Bob Ley: Why would you throw a toaster at a player?

Sheila Kelly: Because when someone blows by you, you’re TOAST! When you get toast and you are toast… you get hit with a toaster! Or, to put it in terms that you might understand: “Durrrrrr!! Duh durrrrrr! Duhhhh! Durrrrrr!! Duhhh! Duhhh! Duhhhh!”

Bob Ley: You seem defensive.

Sheila Kelly: What? You’re attacking me! I mean, it’s not like I drive a golf cart through practice!

[ cut to footage ]

Bob Ley V/O: But she has.

[ Sheila Kelly drives through practice on a golf cart ]

Sheila Kelly: Dribble, dodge, dribble, or dodge me! Quick feet! Quick feet! Quick feet! You don’t move, I’m gonna barrell you! Yeah, move! Move! You always move!

[ return to interview ]

Bob Ley: Let me read you your record as Head Coach…

Sheila Kelly: Good! Go ahead, do it!

Bob Ley: Over the course of three seasons, your teams were a combined 3 and 81.

Sheila Kelly: [ she shrugs ] Is that my fault? All my best players were injured.

Bob Ley: Were you the one who injured them?

Sheila Kelly: I’m not answering that question.

Bob Ley: I’d like an answer.

Sheila Kelly: And I’d like you… to… shut… the… HELL… UP!!

Bob Ley: Why do you have a basketbal in your lap?

Sheila Kelly: Why don’t you keep asking me that question, and you’re gonna find out.

[ cut to Bob Ley live, with bloody nose ]

Bob Ley: I did keep asking questions, and what I found out was that I had provoked her — and it was my fault. Next week on “Outside the Lines”, the heartwarming story of a college football coach who harvests the organs of his players and then SELLS them for personal gain. [ he chuckles ] [ cut to title graphics ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 4 / 5. Vote count: 3

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x