Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 17
Vince Vaughn’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Vince Vaughn!
Vince Vaughn: Yeah! Alright! Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be back here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! It’s great to be with you guys. This is my second time hosting the show. My first was a long time ago — It was 1998. But I do remember what I think is the MOST important lesson that I learned from that show, that the most important people that are here tonight — It’s not the cast… it’s not the writers… it’s not the crew… and, contrary to popular belief, it’s not even me. I know what you’re thinking — and I like it! — but the most important people here tonight… is the AUDIENCE! It’s YOU GUYS! [ the audience cheers wildly ] I’m not sucking up to you caged animals — I love your energy! And that’s exactly what we’re gonna need tonight. Because the fact of the matter is — Where you guys go, the show goes. We FEED off your energy! You are the fuel for the rocketship which is “Saturday Night Live”.
So with that in mind, I want to make sure that we’re all on the same page… I’d like to step into the audience, kick the tires a little bit, and just make sure we’re all to the right start. Are we comfortable with that?
Vince Vaughn: Please stand up, please. [ she stands ] This is live television, and you are an angel. You’re made of nothing but sugar and breakaway glass. Now, what is your name?
Vince Vaughn: Paige! Paige, everybody. Now, Paige, uh — I find it to be a beautiful name and, might I add, that you’re also a beautiful lady.
Paige: Thank you very much!
Vince Vaughn: Now, how are you feeling this evening?
Paige: I’m feeling… very excited to be here.
Vince Vaughn: Well, I’m glad that Paige is feeling excited to be here. Paige, I’m gonna go ahead, and I’m just gonna put this out there: I like your face. I do. I like the energy that comes off it, and the kindness in your eyes, the experience that you have underneath those eyelids, and, uh… I’m gonna need that face to be here for me all night long. I want you to be my angel in the outfield.
Paige: I’m there!
Vince Vaughn: Okay, good. Now… what do I mean by that? It means I’m gonna need your focus. I’m gonna need your support. I’m gonna need your belief. And that doesn’t just go for me — It goes for Mr. Hader, for in this scene, for everyone on that stage. Can we count on you?
Vince Vaughn: Now, Paige — If I look out in the audience… and you are daydreaming and you’ve lost your focus… you’re gonna put this tall drink of water into a tailspin. That’s a promise. It’s gonna be Meltdown City. I don’t want to put the pressure on you, or — or — or transport my anxiety on you, but I need a wonder tremor. Are you gonna be there for me?
Paige: Yes! Absolutely!
Vince Vaughn: I can count on that. And I dig you in a VERY serious way. And the last thing I want to say to you is: I’m gonna move on… but you’ve made your mark. Okay? You sit it down. You’re gold, you’re SOLID gold! [ she sits, as the audience applauds wildly ] Let’s see what else we’ve got. I like what’s happening so far! [ he approaches a young man ] Sir! Stand on up, please. [ he stands ] Let’s get the fellas involved. How are you?
Eric: Great. I… I’m very nervous!
Vince Vaughn: Well, I don’t want you to be! Because that’s what we have to get out of the way, right? We’re a team. We’re a tram on this thing. Now, what is your name?
Vince Vaughn: Eric. That’s a fantastic name, so, right off the bat, you’re doing terrific. Now, here’s a question: Have you been drinking?
Vince Vaughn: Okay.
Eric: But I plan to.
Vince Vaughn: You plan to? Like a fun night out, or like I just got the ankle bracelet off? What kind of drinking?
Eric: Uh… the ankle bracelet off.
Vince Vaughn: Got the ankle bracelet off. Let’s keep it together until then. Now, Eric, in knowing that, I have to ask you: Do your friends often ask you at events to turn off your cellphone?
Vince Vaughn: They don’t? Okay, and why is that?
Eric: Uhhhhh… I don’t know.
Vince Vaughn: Because it’s probably off. Now, you’re scaring me. Let’s look. Pull it out. Well, now I want to see if they do want to talk to you. I want to turn that tape around. If we do one thing tonight — we’ll stay here all night, this’ll become a one-man show with you, Eric. Oh, yeah. We’ll get you naked in a bath tub, we’ll break down some walls. Can I see your phone, please? I want to make sure this is off. [ Eric hands his cellphone over ] Okay… it is off. That’s a good sign. Now — I want you to treat tonight like a live performance that you’re a part of. This is like a sporting event, where you want to, like, get a photo of the touchdown, so you can prove to your friends that you were there. These cameras are better at capturing what’s gonna happen on stage than this thing ever is. I’m not saying it’s a bad-quality phone — I don’t want a lawsuit — I’m just saying, these guys do a great at capturing things. And I also believe it’s better, sometimes, to take the memories with our hearts and with our minds. That’s not just for Eric — That’s for all you kids out there tonight. It’s okay to put down the phones and be a part of the memory. That lasts a lifetime as well. Eric, here’s what I’m gonna have to say to you: I don’t know if you’re capable of making good decisions. I’m gonna keep the phone for the show. I’m gonna give it back you — if you give the right energy, which I know you’re gonna do, so this is a foregone conclusion. This has already happened. Picture me — The show went great, and I’m handing you the phone. But that’s not happening now. I’m keeping the damn phone until the show is over, okay? You’re gonna get it back. If things go bad, I’m gonna text some people, I might break it. Sit down, I dig where you’re coming from. [ Eric sits ] Guys, let’s fill his cup with love– This is a man who deserves it. [ the audience cheers ] Paige, how you doing? Still my Number One. Still my NUmber One. I say: As Paige goes, the show goes. Yuo guys feel me on that? [ the audience cheers, as he aproaches an older man ] Alright, what’s your name?
Vince Vaughn: Adrian, stand on up. [ he stands ] You look like a sailor and a gentleman. How are you, Adrian?
Adrian: Doing fine.
Vince Vaughn: Okay, Adrian’s doing fine. Now, Adrian, let me ask you a question: Are yuo excited to see the show?
Adrian: I couldn’t be more excited!
Vince Vaughn: That’s very nice to hear. Now, how long have you been waiting to get in?
Adrian: Three years.
Vince Vaughn: I — Are you being serious?
Vince Vaughn: What’s been the process?
Adrian: It’s been e-mail after e-mail.
Vince Vaughn: Okay…
Adrian: Lots of pressure.
Vince Vaughn: I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. We’ve gotta get this guy out of here. Ha ha ha? Ha ha ha? [ Bobby Moynihan appears ] Get him out of here, Bobby. Take him out of here. I’m serious. We’re not gonna deal with security, I’m gonna let Bobby do it. With a nice consolation — Give him a Drunk Uncle on the way out, make him feel good about it. That guy has a darkness about him. Theres a darkness inside that man, theres a scary energy in that man… there’s someone you’re gonna read about inside that man… Were not about that tonight! Now, even in the movie “Patton”, you had to shoot a couple mules — I’m not saying Adrian’s a mule, I’m not saying he’s not a mule. But you had to shoot them for the whole company to accomplish what they wanted to accomplish, right? [ he sighs heavily, then glances down at Paige ] There you are, baby! I gotta tell you: [ a beat ] I feel like you let me down, Paige. I feel like you’re supposed to protect me from the worst me… and here I fell apart, and this nice man, Adrian, I went and threw out and I feel AWFUL about it. Bobby, can you go ahead and bring Adrian back? [ Bobby returns with Adrian ] And get Paige out of the building — Get her the hell out of here! Get her out of here! She’s a DISEASE, Bobby, get her out of here! [ Bobby escorts Paige away ] Bring her back! Bring her back! Bring her back! [ Bobby returns with Paige ] Bring her back! And not because I should, Paige — Not because I should. Stand up here. We’re gonna have a little heart-to-heart before we start this. [ Paige stands ] I think the entire audience is bhind me when I say I should throw you out of here in that lovely dress. But — I’ve fallen in love with Paige in this short time… and I’m not capable of it. I don’t have the skills to navigate this relationship in a way that’s healthy for me. So, Paige, I’m gonna count on you. Hopefully, you’ve read some books and watched some shows, and you know how to put up some boundaries with a man. Is that true?
Vince Vaughn: Okay. Then, I’m gonna count on you. Guys, let’s learn from this together. We went through something tough tonight. Paige, sit down. [ she sits ] Thank you for being my concubine. Adrian, Eric, all of you…[ Vaughn returns to Home Base, as the audience cheers wildly ]
Vince Vaughn: No, no! No, no! That’s not what we’re about here. The applause don’t start yet, because you’re PART of the team. And that goes for everyone at home, too. Let’s get some focus tonight, guys. You don’t think we can feel it through the lens? Ha ha! Guess again. ‘Cause we can. Turn on your heartlights. Feed us the fuel for this plane to take off. And we’re gonna have a great show. I think we can light this thing up tonight! Am I right? [ the audience cheers wildly ] Guys, we have a great show! Yuo guys are a great audience! Miguel is here! We’ll be right back! Let’s ROCK this thing!