SNL Transcripts: Vince Vaughn: 04/13/13: A Message from the President of the United States

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 17

12r: Vince Vaughn / Miguel

A Message from the President of the United States

President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Sen. Joe Manchin…..Jason Sudeikis
Sen. Patrick Toomey…..Bill Hader

Announcer: [ over Presidential Seal ] And now, a message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama at podium ]

President Barack Obama: Uh — Thank you! Thank you very much. Uh — Good evening, my fellow Americans. As you know… over the past few months… I have made gun control legislation… a top priority for my administration. Which is why I am so excited to annouce that, this week, the Senate voted 68 to 31… to begin debating… the IDEA… of discussing un control! Uh — uh — uh, let me say that again: They’ve agreed to THINK ABOUT… TALKING about gun control! Amazing! Nowwwww… with me tonight are Democratic Senator Manchin and Republican Senator Patrick Toomey.

[ the two senators appear next to Obama ]

Sen. Joe Manchin: They both worked very hard — TOGETHER! — to bang out a bipartisan agreement. These men risked EVERYTHING… for this bill. I mean, Senator Manchin represents West Virginia! And he’s proposing gun reform? He’s gonna lose a job! And Senator Toomey… This man is a Republican who is willing to make just the slightest compromise on gun control? He’s gonna lose a job, too! But that’s what it takes to achieve COMPROMISE! So… why don’t you tell the folks at home, uhhh, what you’ve accomplished?

Sen. Patrick Toomey: We — we’d rather not.

Sen. Joe Manchin: Ohhhh, no! Go ahead! Tell them!

Sen. Patrick Toomey: Uh, well, uh — First of all, most Americans agree we need stricter background checks. If our bill passes, no individual can purchase a handgun from a private dealer without being asked: “Are you a good person?” As well as the follow-up question: “Seriously, are you?”

Sen. Joe Manchin: Uh, we’re also hoping to limit the amount of ammunition you can carry in magazines. Uhhh — we did not do that. No.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: But, uh — we HAVE to agreed to limit the number of guns you can shoot at once… to two.

Sen. Joe Manchin: Mmm-hmm.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: Anyone caught shooting more guns at the same time, we prosecute to the fullest extent of the law.

Sen. Joe Manchin: Mmm-hmm. Unfortunately, the punishment os we give you a fourth gun.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: [ shaking his head ] I don’t know how that happened…

Sen. Joe Manchin: It was a compromise, I think… yes.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: Also — We’re very proud of this — We were able to ban AK-47s from all coin-operated vending machines. And the Papa John’s promotion — Buy 2 medium pizzas, get a free gun — has been COMPLETELY outlawed!

Sen. Joe Manchin: Mmm-hmm. That’s right. Oh — except on weekends! And, uh, during the Super Bowl.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: Of course, this might go without saying, but… none of these restrictions would apply to Florida. Uhhhh… we don’t know why.

Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: It definitely should

Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: But they just don’t. I don’t know, it’s a weird…

Sen. Joe Manchin: It is weird!

Sen. Patrick Toomey: It’s weird.

Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah, it’s weird! ‘Cause I know we typed, you know, Florida, into the bill, but when we printed it out, you know, I mean, it’s just not there!

Sen. Patrick Toomey: It’s spooky!

Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah!

Sen. Patrick Toomey: A spooky thing.

Sen. Joe Manchin: So, is this bill what we wanted? No. Is it what the NRA wanted? No. But does it at least help in some small way?

Sen. Patrick Toomey: No.

Sen. Joe Manchin: No. Probably not.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: It doesn’t. We are confident that this bill will pass the Senate, and will then go to the House of Representatives where it will IMMEDIATELY get shot down.

Sen. Joe Manchin: That’s right. And that is not a metaphor. They will literally THROW the bill up in the air and SHOOT it with a gun! I’ve seen it done.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: Yeah!

Sen. Joe Manchin: C-Span gets a little rowdy sometimes.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: It’s a sight! So, in summary, uhhhh… [ he shrugs his shoulders ] You’re welcome?

Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah, I guess…

Sen. Patrick Toomey: So we turn it back to you, Mr. President.

[ they step aside ]

Sen. Joe Manchin: You see? That’s what I’m up against, America. Plus: Jay-Z keeps rapping bout how I let him go to Cuba. I thought that guy was on my side? Allow me to re-intoduce myself: I’m the President! [ he shakes his arms and shoulders ] And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiiiiighttttt!!!”

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