SNL Transcripts: Vince Vaughn: 04/13/13: A Message from the President of the United States


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 17

12r: Vince Vaughn / Miguel

A Message from the President of the United States

President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Sen. Joe Manchin…..Jason Sudeikis
Sen. Patrick Toomey…..Bill Hader

Announcer: [ over Presidential Seal ] And now, a message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama at podium ]

President Barack Obama: Uh — Thank you! Thank you very much. Uh — Good evening, my fellow Americans. As you know… over the past few months… I have made gun control legislation… a top priority for my administration. Which is why I am so excited to annouce that, this week, the Senate voted 68 to 31… to begin debating… the IDEA… of discussing un control! Uh — uh — uh, let me say that again: They’ve agreed to THINK ABOUT… TALKING about gun control! Amazing! Nowwwww… with me tonight are Democratic Senator Manchin and Republican Senator Patrick Toomey.

[ the two senators appear next to Obama ]

Sen. Joe Manchin: They both worked very hard — TOGETHER! — to bang out a bipartisan agreement. These men risked EVERYTHING… for this bill. I mean, Senator Manchin represents West Virginia! And he’s proposing gun reform? He’s gonna lose a job! And Senator Toomey… This man is a Republican who is willing to make just the slightest compromise on gun control? He’s gonna lose a job, too! But that’s what it takes to achieve COMPROMISE! So… why don’t you tell the folks at home, uhhh, what you’ve accomplished?

Sen. Patrick Toomey: We — we’d rather not.

Sen. Joe Manchin: Ohhhh, no! Go ahead! Tell them!

Sen. Patrick Toomey: Uh, well, uh — First of all, most Americans agree we need stricter background checks. If our bill passes, no individual can purchase a handgun from a private dealer without being asked: “Are you a good person?” As well as the follow-up question: “Seriously, are you?”

Sen. Joe Manchin: Uh, we’re also hoping to limit the amount of ammunition you can carry in magazines. Uhhh — we did not do that. No.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: But, uh — we HAVE to agreed to limit the number of guns you can shoot at once… to two.

Sen. Joe Manchin: Mmm-hmm.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: Anyone caught shooting more guns at the same time, we prosecute to the fullest extent of the law.

Sen. Joe Manchin: Mmm-hmm. Unfortunately, the punishment os we give you a fourth gun.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: [ shaking his head ] I don’t know how that happened…

Sen. Joe Manchin: It was a compromise, I think… yes.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: Also — We’re very proud of this — We were able to ban AK-47s from all coin-operated vending machines. And the Papa John’s promotion — Buy 2 medium pizzas, get a free gun — has been COMPLETELY outlawed!

Sen. Joe Manchin: Mmm-hmm. That’s right. Oh — except on weekends! And, uh, during the Super Bowl.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: Of course, this might go without saying, but… none of these restrictions would apply to Florida. Uhhhh… we don’t know why.

Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: It definitely should

Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: But they just don’t. I don’t know, it’s a weird…

Sen. Joe Manchin: It is weird!

Sen. Patrick Toomey: It’s weird.

Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah, it’s weird! ‘Cause I know we typed, you know, Florida, into the bill, but when we printed it out, you know, I mean, it’s just not there!

Sen. Patrick Toomey: It’s spooky!

Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah!

Sen. Patrick Toomey: A spooky thing.

Sen. Joe Manchin: So, is this bill what we wanted? No. Is it what the NRA wanted? No. But does it at least help in some small way?

Sen. Patrick Toomey: No.

Sen. Joe Manchin: No. Probably not.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: It doesn’t. We are confident that this bill will pass the Senate, and will then go to the House of Representatives where it will IMMEDIATELY get shot down.

Sen. Joe Manchin: That’s right. And that is not a metaphor. They will literally THROW the bill up in the air and SHOOT it with a gun! I’ve seen it done.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: Yeah!

Sen. Joe Manchin: C-Span gets a little rowdy sometimes.

Sen. Patrick Toomey: It’s a sight! So, in summary, uhhhh… [ he shrugs his shoulders ] You’re welcome?

Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah, I guess…

Sen. Patrick Toomey: So we turn it back to you, Mr. President.

[ they step aside ]

Sen. Joe Manchin: You see? That’s what I’m up against, America. Plus: Jay-Z keeps rapping bout how I let him go to Cuba. I thought that guy was on my side? Allow me to re-intoduce myself: I’m the President! [ he shakes his arms and shoulders ] And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiiiiighttttt!!!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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