Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 17
The Al Pacino Accused Murderer Biopic Series
Al Pacino…..Bill Hader
Announcer: This May on HBO: You loved Al Pacino as Dr. Kevorkian in “You Don’t Know Jack”.[ cut to Pacino as Kevorkian in a courtroom setting ]
Dr. Jack Kevorkian: I didn’t kill NOBODY!! They WANTED To die!
Announcer: Then you loved him in ANOTHER bio-pic about ANOTHER convicted murderer: Phil Spector!
Phil Spector: These cats… are trying to SET! ME! UP!!
Announcer: Now: Get ready for a whole SERIES of bio-pics about accused murderers, ALL played by Al Pacino! Starting with Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber![ cut to Pacino as Kaczynski holding a bomb in his shack ]
Ted Kaczynski: Geez Louise! I gotta put, like, 30 steps on this thing! And I’m the crazy one?!
Announcer: Then: Watch him transform into tabloid sensation Amanda Knox![ cut to Pacino as Knox in a courtroom setting ]
Amanda Knox: I may be a SEX maniac… but I ain’t no murderer! [ he pats his hair down ] I’m a girl…
Announcer: Then: Pacino does DOUBLE-DUTY, playing BOTH Menendez Brothers! And he makes a VERY strong choice for the accent.
Menendez Brother #1: [ in a Scarface accent ] Hey, Bro! This trial is loco, man!
Menendez Brother #2: [ in a Scarface accent ] Dios mio! Dis is what dey mean by GRINGO JUSTICE![ they both turn to face the camera ]
Menendez Brother #2: TA-KEEL-AHHHHH!!! [ they tango ]
Announcer: It’s like you’re RIGHT there in the courtroom, along with — you guessed it — Captain Franscesco Schettino… that Italian ferry captain who drove a cruise ship onto the rocks.[ cut to Pacino as Schettino being led out of the courtroom ]
Captain Franscesco Schettino: [ in thick Italian accent ] Now that’s a spicy BOAT TRAAAAPP!!
Announcer: Then: Watch him disappear into the role of Conrad Murray, the DOCTOR who KILLED Michael Jackson![ cut to Pacino as black-faced Murray in a courtroom setting ]
Dr. Conrad Murray: I didn’t kill NO ONE, mon! [ he looks off-camera ] Is this cool? I don’t know, is this cool? [ he turns to face the Black actor playing the judge ] Is this alright? [ the actor nods ] You cool with this? [ the judge shrugs his shoulder ] Alright, heyyyy! [ they fist-bump ]
Announcer: And with performances like THESE, Oscar is SURE take note! Oscar Pistorius, that is — who Pacino ALSO plays in his upcoming biopic ] [ cut to Pacino as Pistorius in a courtroom setting ]
Oscar Pistorius: Say Hello… to my LITTLE LEGS!! [ he raises each prosthetic blade leg ] BOOM! BOOM!
Announcer: The Al Pacino Accused Murderer Biopic Series!
Second Announcer: Paid for by the National Wig Alliance.[ cut to Pacino in a Pippi Longstocking wig seated in the judge’s chair ]
Al Pacino: I order YOU… to see these movies![ his pigtails rise ] [ fade ]