SNL Transcripts: Vince Vaughn: 04/13/13: The Al Pacino Accused Murderer Biopic Series

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 17






















12r: Vince Vaughn / Miguel

The Al Pacino Accused Murderer Biopic Series

Al Pacino…..Bill Hader

Announcer: This May on HBO: You loved Al Pacino as Dr. Kevorkian in “You Don’t Know Jack”.

[ cut to Pacino as Kevorkian in a courtroom setting ]

Dr. Jack Kevorkian: I didn’t kill NOBODY!! They WANTED To die!

Announcer: Then you loved him in ANOTHER bio-pic about ANOTHER convicted murderer: Phil Spector!

[ cut to Pacino as Spector in a courtroom setting ]

Phil Spector: These cats… are trying to SET! ME! UP!!

Announcer: Now: Get ready for a whole SERIES of bio-pics about accused murderers, ALL played by Al Pacino! Starting with Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber!

[ cut to Pacino as Kaczynski holding a bomb in his shack ]

Ted Kaczynski: Geez Louise! I gotta put, like, 30 steps on this thing! And I’m the crazy one?!

Announcer: Then: Watch him transform into tabloid sensation Amanda Knox!

[ cut to Pacino as Knox in a courtroom setting ]

Amanda Knox: I may be a SEX maniac… but I ain’t no murderer! [ he pats his hair down ] I’m a girl…

Announcer: Then: Pacino does DOUBLE-DUTY, playing BOTH Menendez Brothers! And he makes a VERY strong choice for the accent.

[ cut to Pacino as the Menendez Brothers in a courtroom setting ]

Menendez Brother #1: [ in a Scarface accent ] Hey, Bro! This trial is loco, man!

Menendez Brother #2: [ in a Scarface accent ] Dios mio! Dis is what dey mean by GRINGO JUSTICE!

[ they both turn to face the camera ]

Menendez Brother #2: TA-KEEL-AHHHHH!!! [ they tango ]

Announcer: It’s like you’re RIGHT there in the courtroom, along with — you guessed it — Captain Franscesco Schettino… that Italian ferry captain who drove a cruise ship onto the rocks.

[ cut to Pacino as Schettino being led out of the courtroom ]

Captain Franscesco Schettino: [ in thick Italian accent ] Now that’s a spicy BOAT TRAAAAPP!!

Announcer: Then: Watch him disappear into the role of Conrad Murray, the DOCTOR who KILLED Michael Jackson!

[ cut to Pacino as black-faced Murray in a courtroom setting ]

Dr. Conrad Murray: I didn’t kill NO ONE, mon! [ he looks off-camera ] Is this cool? I don’t know, is this cool? [ he turns to face the Black actor playing the judge ] Is this alright? [ the actor nods ] You cool with this? [ the judge shrugs his shoulder ] Alright, heyyyy! [ they fist-bump ]

Announcer: And with performances like THESE, Oscar is SURE take note! Oscar Pistorius, that is — who Pacino ALSO plays in his upcoming biopic ] [ cut to Pacino as Pistorius in a courtroom setting ]

Oscar Pistorius: Say Hello… to my LITTLE LEGS!! [ he raises each prosthetic blade leg ] BOOM! BOOM!

Announcer: The Al Pacino Accused Murderer Biopic Series!

Second Announcer: Paid for by the National Wig Alliance.

[ cut to Pacino in a Pippi Longstocking wig seated in the judge’s chair ]

Al Pacino: I order YOU… to see these movies!

[ his pigtails rise ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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