SNL Transcripts: Vince Vaughn: 04/13/13: The Al Pacino Accused Murderer Biopic Series

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 17

12r: Vince Vaughn / Miguel

The Al Pacino Accused Murderer Biopic Series

Al Pacino…..Bill Hader

Announcer: This May on HBO: You loved Al Pacino as Dr. Kevorkian in “You Don’t Know Jack”.

[ cut to Pacino as Kevorkian in a courtroom setting ]

Dr. Jack Kevorkian: I didn’t kill NOBODY!! They WANTED To die!

Announcer: Then you loved him in ANOTHER bio-pic about ANOTHER convicted murderer: Phil Spector!

[ cut to Pacino as Spector in a courtroom setting ]

Phil Spector: These cats… are trying to SET! ME! UP!!

Announcer: Now: Get ready for a whole SERIES of bio-pics about accused murderers, ALL played by Al Pacino! Starting with Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber!

[ cut to Pacino as Kaczynski holding a bomb in his shack ]

Ted Kaczynski: Geez Louise! I gotta put, like, 30 steps on this thing! And I’m the crazy one?!

Announcer: Then: Watch him transform into tabloid sensation Amanda Knox!

[ cut to Pacino as Knox in a courtroom setting ]

Amanda Knox: I may be a SEX maniac… but I ain’t no murderer! [ he pats his hair down ] I’m a girl…

Announcer: Then: Pacino does DOUBLE-DUTY, playing BOTH Menendez Brothers! And he makes a VERY strong choice for the accent.

[ cut to Pacino as the Menendez Brothers in a courtroom setting ]

Menendez Brother #1: [ in a Scarface accent ] Hey, Bro! This trial is loco, man!

Menendez Brother #2: [ in a Scarface accent ] Dios mio! Dis is what dey mean by GRINGO JUSTICE!

[ they both turn to face the camera ]

Menendez Brother #2: TA-KEEL-AHHHHH!!! [ they tango ]

Announcer: It’s like you’re RIGHT there in the courtroom, along with — you guessed it — Captain Franscesco Schettino… that Italian ferry captain who drove a cruise ship onto the rocks.

[ cut to Pacino as Schettino being led out of the courtroom ]

Captain Franscesco Schettino: [ in thick Italian accent ] Now that’s a spicy BOAT TRAAAAPP!!

Announcer: Then: Watch him disappear into the role of Conrad Murray, the DOCTOR who KILLED Michael Jackson!

[ cut to Pacino as black-faced Murray in a courtroom setting ]

Dr. Conrad Murray: I didn’t kill NO ONE, mon! [ he looks off-camera ] Is this cool? I don’t know, is this cool? [ he turns to face the Black actor playing the judge ] Is this alright? [ the actor nods ] You cool with this? [ the judge shrugs his shoulder ] Alright, heyyyy! [ they fist-bump ]

Announcer: And with performances like THESE, Oscar is SURE take note! Oscar Pistorius, that is — who Pacino ALSO plays in his upcoming biopic ] [ cut to Pacino as Pistorius in a courtroom setting ]

Oscar Pistorius: Say Hello… to my LITTLE LEGS!! [ he raises each prosthetic blade leg ] BOOM! BOOM!

Announcer: The Al Pacino Accused Murderer Biopic Series!

Second Announcer: Paid for by the National Wig Alliance.

[ cut to Pacino in a Pippi Longstocking wig seated in the judge’s chair ]

Al Pacino: I order YOU… to see these movies!

[ his pigtails rise ] [ fade ]

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