Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 17
Roundball Rock
Executive…..Kate McKinnon
Reggie…..Kenan Thompson
Mr. Lavender…..Vince Vaughn
Secretary…..Aidy Bryant
John Tesh…..Jason Sudeikis
Dave Tesh…..Tim Robinson
Executive: And then on Sunday, we’ve got the BUlls and the Trailblazers — it’s Jordan vs. Drexler.
Reggie: Ohhhh!
Mr. Lavender: Oh. that’ll be a GREAT match-up — two world-class athletes.
Secretary: Uh… excuse me, Mr. Lavender. John Tesh is here.
Mr. Lavender: Oh, great! Send him in!
Secretary: Okay! [ she exits ]
Mr. Lavender: You guys know Tesh. This guy is AMAZING! You know, he wrote the theme to “Entertainment Tonight”.
John Tesh: [ entering ] KNOCK-KNOCK! Hello!
Mr. Lavender: There he is — Mr. Entertainment Tonight!
John Tesh: [ laughing ] How you guts doing? Hello, everyone! This is my brother right here — Dave Tesh!
Dave Tesh: Pleasure! Pleasure!
Mr. Lavender: I did not know that you had a brother!
John Tesh: Oh, yeah, I know. He’s not just my brother, he’s also the GENIUS in the family!
Dave Tesh: Meanwhile, I’m blushing!
[ the two Teshes laugh ]Mr. Lavender: Well, John, when my boss told me that we need a new theme song for “The NBA On NBC”, I knew what time it was: Tesh-Thirty!
[ they all laugh ]John Tesh: That’s very good! Okay, well, let’s see what we’ve got for you. We’ve written a song that we like to call “Roundball Rock”. Now, it started as one of David’s poems here, but then it just grew into something bigger than both of us could ever imagine. It’s me on keys… and Dave singing.
Mr. Lavender: Can you believe this is our job? Alright, fire away!
John Tesh: Alright, ready to do this?
Dave Tesh: Uh, yes, I am!
John Tesh: Alright!! 2, 3, 4! [ he bangs on the keyboard ]
Dave Tesh: [ singing ]“Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!
Gimme gimme, gimme the ball!
Because I’m gonna… DUNK IT!!”
John Tesh: WHOO!!
Dave Tesh: [ singing ]“Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!
Gimme gimme, gimme the ball!
Because I’m gonna… DUNK IT!!”
John Tesh: YEAH!!
[ they high-five ]Dave Tesh: [ singing ]“Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!
Gimme gimme, gimme the ball!
Because I’m gonna… DUNK IT!!”
John Tesh: DO IT!!
[ they high-five ]Dave Tesh: [ singing ]“Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball….!”
Mr. Lavender: Hold on, guys! Please stop!!
John Tesh: WHOO!! Alright, now THAT’S how you do it, baby!
Dave Tesh: That was JUST getting hot!
John Tesh: You are in SUCH good voice today, Buddy!
Dave Tesh: Thank you, Brother!
Mr. Lavender: Wow! I mean, that was great guys, but… You know what? I was wondering: Could we hear it again, but… you know, with the lyrics separated out?
John Tesh: Huh? Really?
Dave Tesh: Uh… okayyyy…
John Tesh: That’s weird! Uh — are you okay with that?
Dave Tesh: If… you are… I guess…?
John Tesh: Uh… yeah! Sure, we can do that. Alright, here we go. Uh… [ he clear his throat ] Alright — 2, 3, 4!
Dave Tesh: [ singing ]”Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!Gimme gimme, gimme the…”
[ the executives stop him ]Executive: I’m sorry! [ she laughs ] I think we weren’t clear. We actually meant, could we hear it with just the music?
John Tesh: Oh. Uh… I defer to you, I…
Dave Tesh: Uh… my gut is “Nooooo.”
Mr. Lavender: I understand. You’re an artist, and I get that. But I think we’re just curious what it would sound like… without the lyrics.
John Tesh: [ stunned ] Okay. Okay, fine. I mean, it… it feels crazy… but, uhhh… sure, alright. 2, 3, 4! [ he half-heartedly runs his hands along the keyboard as the music plays ] I don’t know… it has no pop.
Dave Tesh: [ singing ]”Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!!”
Mr. Lavender: STOP!! Please! Please! Dave! I couldn’t help but notice that the singing came back in there!
Dave Tesh: I’m sorry, it just seems incomplete!
John Tesh: It is! It is! I mean, it’s a lyrics-first song! I mean, what’s the problem?
Executive: Well, the lyrics are a little repetitive.
Dave Tesh: Uhhh… basketball’s a little repetitive!
Reggie: I-I… I feel like we just prefer the song better without the lyrics.
Dave Tesh: Uhhh… okay! [ he scoffs ] Okay, but without the lyrics, how will people know it’s about basketball?
Executive: Well, we’ll be playing it over clips of basketball.
John Tesh: That’s not an answer.
Dave Tesh: What about… blind people?
John Tesh: Exactly!
Dave Tesh: They’re gonna be, like: [ waving his hands ] “Well, what the heck is this song about…?”
John Tesh: Come on! Our music is for ALL people!
Mr. Lavender: Okay, look… Teshes. I get it. I love your guys’ spirit. But here’s the situation: If we can buy the instrumental version, it’s a deal. If there are lyrics… it’s no deal.
[ Dave sighs heavily ]John Tesh: Wow…
Dave Tesh: Wowwwwwww!!
John Tesh: Wow! Okay. Alright. Well, uh… You know what, then? NO DEAL!!
Dave Tesh: I cannot believe this!
John Tesh: YOU ARE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE!! YOU GUYS STINK!! And this network is a DUMP! Hey, you know what?! In fact, I say we make it look MORE like a dump!! [ he grabs a vase and shatters it ] How about THAT?!! What do you think, Dave?
Dave Tesh: I am one step ahead of you, Brother! [ he whips out a tiny hammer ]
John Tesh: Mmm-hmm! HAMMER TIME!!
[ they use their tiny hammers to shatter vases and glass-framed photos around the office, as the executives watch with stunned horror ]Dave Tesh: [ smashing Mr. Lavender’s coffee mug ] Yeah!! Thatta boy, Johnny!! Thatta boy!!
[ cut to John Tesh gleefully dousing a can of gasoline over his keyboard ]Mr. Lavender: What are you doing?! What are you doing?!
Reggie: [ into it now ] That’s right!! Burn it down, Teshes!!
Mr. Lavender: No, Reggie!! Don’t encourage them!! Teshes, STOP!!
Dave Tesh: Johnny!! Johnny!! [ he swats the lighter out of John’s hand ] Snap out of it, boy!! [ he slaps him in the face ] Get with me!! Get with me!!
John Tesh: Oh, my God…!! What have we done?! We did it again…!
Dave Tesh: Yeah!
John Tesh: Ohhhhh, no!
Dave Tesh: Look — We did NOT want this to GO this way!
Mr. Lavender: Then why did you bring little hammers and a can of gasoline?
John Tesh: Because we thought it might go this way… Yeah.
Dave Tesh: You know what?
John Tesh: What?
Dave Tesh: You take this one alone, Johnny.
John Tesh: But what about you?
Dave Tesh: Don’t you worry about ME!! [ John plays a soft ballad on the keyboard ] This isn’t the last you’re gonna hear of ol’ Dave Tesh! Besides — I’ve got the BEST brother in the world!
John Tesh: [ he breathes deeply ] I love you, Dave!
Dave Tesh: And I love you, Brother!
[ they hug ]Reggie: [ smiling ] Now, that’s what I call… a SLAM DUNK!
[ Reggie holds a thumbs-up, as “Roundball Rock” blasts and Mr. Lavender waves his hand in front of his face ] [ fade ]