SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 05/04/13


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 19

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

Guest Writer:

May 4th, 2013

Zach Galifianakis

Of Monsters and Men


Nikolaj Coster-Waldau

Bradley Cooper

Ed Helms

Jon Hamm



Fox & FriendsSummary: Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) joke around with an oversized Big Gulp container while interviewing New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Michael Bloomberg.


Zach Galifianakis’s MonologueSummary: Zach Galifiankis tells jokes, plays piano, then tries out a new character.


Game of Game of ThronesSummary: Nerdy “Game of Thrones” fan Duncan (Zach Galifianakis) is flustered when his quiz questions all revolve around real-world phenomena.

Match.comSummary: Not only can you can find love and romance on, but you might even find it with Martha Stewart (Kate McKinnon)!

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Jennifer Aniston Look-Alike CompetitionSummary: Seventh-place contestant Paul Nevins (Zach Galifianakis) is miffed that he didn’t take the crown because he’s convinced he looks the most like Jennifer Aniston.


Of Monsters and Men perform “Little Talks”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: James Carville (Bill Hader) comments on President Obama’s push for tighter gun control laws. Tech expert Randall Meeks (Fred Armisen) has nothing but high praise for the awkward usability of Google Glass. The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party (Cecily Strong) outlines her summer vacation plans.

Recurring Characters: James Carville, The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party.

M&M StoreSummary: After his first day on the job, Racist Jim (Zach Galifianakis) apologizes to all the co-workers he offended.


Darrell’s HouseSummary: Darrell Sparks (Zach Galifiankis) attempts to welcoem Jon Hamm into his home, despite their differing schedules and frequent production cuts.


Of Monsters and Men perform “Mountain Sound”

Michael Jordan’s WeddingSummary: Leslie (Zach Galifianakis) and Lee Ocean (Jason Sudeikis) emcee Michael Jordan’s star-studded wedding party

Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley.

New BalanceSummary:

Darrell’s HouseSummary: After applying hastily-assembled edits, it’s like Darrell Sparks (Zach Galifianakis) actually welcomed Jon Hamm into his home.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

KanishSummary: A retro presentation of a short-lived TV series that suffered from poorly-time freeze frames.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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