Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 19
Jennifer Aniston Look-Alike Competition
Paul Nevins…..Zach Galifianakis
Jackie Benning…..Cecily Strong
Ben Gables…..Bobby Moynihan
Vincent Smith…..Kenan Thompson
Mark Leonard…..Taran Killam
Gabby Franklin…..Nasim Pedrad
Diana Reynolds…..Vanessa Bayer
Radley Cooper…..Bradley Cooper
Ted Pelms…..Ed Helms
[ open on Marriott Ballroom ]
Emcee: Now, ladies and gentlemen, before I announce the winners of the 15th Annual Jennifer Aniston Look-alike Competition, I’d just like to tell all eight of our finalists that, no matter who wins: [ singing ] “You are so Aniston…to meeeeee!” Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much. And, please — Hold all applause until I read ALL the names. Now, in eighth and last place… it is Paul Nevins.
Paul Nevins: WHAT?!!!
Emcee: Uh… Congratulations to Paul. Uh… now…
Paul Nevins: No, no, no, no! [ he runs onstage ] I hate to interrupt, but obviously there’s been a mistake here!
Emcee: I’m afraid not, Paul. You’ve got Eighth place.
Paul Nevins: How is that even POSSIBLE?!! I mean, LOOK at me! I’m PERFECT!!
Emcee: Uh — well, you know, the judges didn’t think so!
Paul Nevins: Yeah? WHO were the judges?! Mr. Magoo and Helen Keller?!
Emcee: Hey, come on!
Paul Nevins: Oh, shut up!! She knew what she was doing! She was MILKING it!
Paul Nevins: Well, tell me this, then: What was my Hair score?!
Emcee: Come on, Paul…
Paul Nevins: What was my Hair score?! I want to know my damn Hair score, please!
Emcee: It was a 3.
Paul Nevins: A 3! That’d better be out of 2!
Emcee: It was out of 100!
Paul Nevins: Okay, fine! Read the rest of your little list there, Schindler! I am FASCINATED to know who BEAT me!
Emcee: Okay… Well, in Seventh place is Jackie Benning!
Paul Nevins: WHAT?!! WHAAAATTT?!! Jackie Benning?!! LOOK at her!!
Emcee: I think she looks very convincing.
Paul Nevins: TO WHO??!! HELEN KELLER??!!
Jackie Bennings: Hey! I helped you with your hair!
Paul Nevins: Yeah! And see how THAT turned out! Just GREAT!! Thanks a lot for the help, BEEN A BITCH Arnold!!
Emcee: Paul! Come on!
Paul Nevins: Fine! Who’s next?! I want to know!
Emcee: Alright. Well, Sixth place is Ben Gables!
Paul Nevins: Oh, Ben Gables! Now I get it! This is a joke! Ha ha ha! That’s HILARIOUS!![ reveal Ben ]
Ben Gables: [ deep-voiced ] Hey, I worked really HARD at this!
Emcee: Okay. Fifth place goes to Vincent Smith!
Paul Nevins: He’s dressed like Whoopi Goldstein!![ reveal Vincent ]
Vincent Smith: Oh, hush up, child!
Emcee: Alright, uh, Third place is a tie between Mark Leonard and Gabby Franklin![ reveal Mark and Gabby ]
Paul Nevins: THEM?!! Are you kidding me?!! I’ve taken FARTS that look more like Jennifer Aniston!! They’re not even wearing “Friends” T-shirts!!
Emcee: Hey, come on…
Gabby Franklin: Yeah, why would Jennifer Aniston wear a “Friends” t-shirt?
Mark Leonard: Yeah, it’s like the last thing she would ever wear.
Paul Nevins: Oh! WHY would she WEAR it?! Oh, I don’t know! Because she got it FREE at WORK?!! GOD!! Get a life, you dunce!!
Emcee: Okay, Paul? That’s enough, okay?
Paul Nevins: This competition is an entire sham!!
Emcee: Is there no Security here? Anybody?
Paul Nevins: I’M the Security!
Emcee: Oh, okay… that makes sense, then… Alright, well, in Second place, I have Diana Reynolds!
Paul Nevins: Oh, I’m sorry… I’m sorry… Diana Reynolds?! THAT Diana Reynolds?![ reveal Diana smiling ]
Paul Nevins: Who did she promise NOT to blow to win Second place?!
Diana Reynolds: Hey!
Emcee: Come on…
Paul Nevins: Let’s see your famous IMPRESSON again, Diana!
Diana Reynolds: “Oh! Uh, oh! Uh… did you know that Ross and I used to, uh… uh… uh-uh… date? Oh! Oh…!”
Gabby Franklin: Yeah! I think it’s more like… [ parting her hair back ] “Oh! Okay! Yeah! Oh! Do you guys know Ross? He’s a good guy! Oh, oh! Hey!”
Mark Leonard: Uh, yeah, but maybe it’s more like… “Oh! Oh… uh… So you and Ross are, um… [ he flexes his arms ] Dating! [ he pulls his hair back ] Oh! Oh!”
Paul Nevins: Oh, my bad! I didn’t realize this was a Jabba the Hut competition! Also: Who the hell is ROSS?!!
Emcee: Okay. Come on, Paul! Come on!
Paul Nevins: Let’s just end this pathetic charade! Who’s the big winner? Come on, let’s hear it!
Emcee: Well, the WINNER… oof the Jennifer Aniston Look-alike Competition — Brought to you by SmartWater — Oh! And we actually have CO-CHAMPIONS! It’s RADLEY COOPER and TED PELMS!![ Radley and Ted appear onstage, as the audience applauds wildly ]
Paul Nevins: Why are people clapping?!! THESE two?!! Who did their make-up?! Helen Keller?!
Radley Cooper: Hey, hey, hey! You know something? You’re a real jerk! You know, you may look exactly like Jennifer Aniston…
Ted Pelms: [ missing his cue ] …On the outside! But on the INSIDE… you’re a total Helen Keller!
Radley Cooper: Yeah!
Ted Pelms: That’s why you got Eighth place!
Paul Nevins: [ thinking ] You know what? [ he looks at them ] You know what?
Radley Cooper: What?
Paul Nevins: You’re right. You’re right, Radley.
Radley Cooper: Yeah!
Paul Nevins: You’re right, Ted. I’ve been a monster here tonight. The truth is… This hasn’t been my day… my week… my month… or even my year.
Radley Cooper: I’ll be there for ya’.
Ted Pelms: And I’ll be there for you, too, because… in the immortal words of the “Friends” theme song: [ singing ] “Keep smiling…”
Radley Cooper: “Keep shining…”
Paul Nevins: “Knowing you can always count on me…”
Emcee: That’s not the “Friends” theme, guys.
Radley Cooper: It’s not?
Together: “That’s what friends are forrrrrrr!!!”
Emcee: That’s Dionne Warwick.
Together: “In good times…”[ the other winners appear onstage ]
Everyone: “In bad times,
I’ll be on your side forevermorrrrre!!
That’s what friends are forrrrr!!!!!”