SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 05/04/13: Darrell’s House


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

Darrell’s House

Darrell Sparks…..Zach Galifianakis
Wife…..Vanessa Bayer
Wayne Smote…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Knoxville Cable Access card ] [ dissolve to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]

Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”

Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”

[ dissolve to Darrell standing in his living room ]

Darrell: Hi! Hello! [ he glances off-camera ] Okay, edit out the “Hi”, I just want to do it, okay? Just do it, Marcus, just do it! [ to the camera ] I’m Darrell, this is the first time I’m having house over to my people! [ he groans in disgust ] God! Cut that! Alright? Just CUT that part! [ to the camera ] But before my friends show up… let me tell you a little bit about myself: I’m Darrell Sparks, and I love to entertain…!

[ Darrell’s wife appears at the top of the stairs ]

Wife: What are you doing?!

Darrell: Honey, I’m filming a show.

Wife: It looks STUPID!

Darrell: [ he throws a plant at her ] YOU look stupid!!

[ she rushes upstairs in fear ]

Darrell: Just — Marcus, you GOTTA cut around all that, okay? No rage. No rage. I’ll say “Entertain” again, and just pick it up right after that! [ he smiles at the camera ] ENTERTAIN!! So what do I consider the three keys of entertaining? 1. Great snacks!

[ cut to an empty snack tray ]

Darrell: Marcus? I want a shot of snacks there, okay? Just a shot of snacks. [ to the camera ] The second key? Good music! That’s why I’m playing… [ he moves his mouth without speaking ] So, if we can find can artist there, we’ll clear his name, we’ll record that name over there, and then we’ll put in the music where we’re with my lips, okay? [ he smiles at the camera ] That sounds GREAT!! And last, but not least, great guests! [ he glances off-camera ] I want you to put a doorbell effect there, okay? Right after I say “guests.” MARCUS!! Okay, good. [ he smiles at the camera ] I think one is here right now!

[ Darrell walks over to the front door and opens it ]

Darrell: Mr. Jon Hamm!

[ Wayne Smote enters ]

Wayne: I’m not Jon Hamm.

Darrell: I know, but we’re here… and we’re gonna edit him in. You’re just here for the lighting and markers, okay? [ to the camera ] Thanks for coming! [ whispering ] Now, shake my hand…” [ they shake hands ] There we go… [ loudly ] You look AMAZING, Jon! What’s your secret?

Wayne: My secret is… I’m not Jon Hamm.

Darrell: [ glancing off-camera ] Marcus? Okay, listen, I’m gonna laugh really hard, in case, uh, Jon says something really funny, okay? I’m gonna do it right here. [ he laughs ridiculously over-the-top ] Oh, Jon! Care for some snacks?

[ Wayne shrugs his shoulders, then follows Darrell over to the empty snack tray ]

Darrell: Okay, pretend to take some snacks, please? And eat a snack.

[ Wayne pretends to eat snacks ]

Darrell: Why, thank you, Jon! I made them myself!

Wayne: Hey, if Jon Hamm is on this show, why isn’t he here?

Darrell: [ outraged ] BECAUSE WE’RE ON DIFFERENT SCHEDULES!!! [ he throws down his snack tray, then glances off-camera ] Hey, Marcus? Just edit that part out, okay? I’m gonna tell my joke now. [ he looks at the camera ] You look so happy, Jon, which is surprising — I always heard you were a MAD man! [ he smiles, then glances off-camera ] Insert a shot of, uh, “Showtime at the Apollo”, people laughing at the audience, okay? Audience — huge laugh, right there. [ to the camera ] “Thanks for stopping by, Jon!”

Wayne: Go?

Darrell: Yes! Go! Go!

Wayne: Hey, when’s this gonna be on? I want to tell my mom to watch.

Darrell: You’re not gonna be on! Jon Hamm is gonna be on!

Wayne: [ smiling ] I bet it’ll be me!

Darrell: Bye, Jon! You’re a friend!

[ Wayne quietly exits ]

Darrell: Well… For the first time I had someone to my house, THAT was a success! [ he glances off-camera ] So, what I want to do here is, I want to wink, but I can’t — I can only blink. So I’ll blink… but then CGI this eye open so it looks like a wink, okay? [ he blinks ] And now freeze-frame me smiling, and roll the credits over my face. [ he stands still as he smiles wide ] And then, we can just roll the song.

[ cut back to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]

Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”

Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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