SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 05/04/13: Darrell’s House

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

Darrell’s House

Darrell Sparks…..Zach Galifianakis
Wife…..Vanessa Bayer
Wayne Smote…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Knoxville Cable Access card ] [ dissolve to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]

Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”

Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”

[ dissolve to Darrell standing in his living room ]

Darrell: Hi! Hello! [ he glances off-camera ] Okay, edit out the “Hi”, I just want to do it, okay? Just do it, Marcus, just do it! [ to the camera ] I’m Darrell, this is the first time I’m having house over to my people! [ he groans in disgust ] God! Cut that! Alright? Just CUT that part! [ to the camera ] But before my friends show up… let me tell you a little bit about myself: I’m Darrell Sparks, and I love to entertain…!

[ Darrell’s wife appears at the top of the stairs ]

Wife: What are you doing?!

Darrell: Honey, I’m filming a show.

Wife: It looks STUPID!

Darrell: [ he throws a plant at her ] YOU look stupid!!

[ she rushes upstairs in fear ]

Darrell: Just — Marcus, you GOTTA cut around all that, okay? No rage. No rage. I’ll say “Entertain” again, and just pick it up right after that! [ he smiles at the camera ] ENTERTAIN!! So what do I consider the three keys of entertaining? 1. Great snacks!

[ cut to an empty snack tray ]

Darrell: Marcus? I want a shot of snacks there, okay? Just a shot of snacks. [ to the camera ] The second key? Good music! That’s why I’m playing… [ he moves his mouth without speaking ] So, if we can find can artist there, we’ll clear his name, we’ll record that name over there, and then we’ll put in the music where we’re with my lips, okay? [ he smiles at the camera ] That sounds GREAT!! And last, but not least, great guests! [ he glances off-camera ] I want you to put a doorbell effect there, okay? Right after I say “guests.” MARCUS!! Okay, good. [ he smiles at the camera ] I think one is here right now!

[ Darrell walks over to the front door and opens it ]

Darrell: Mr. Jon Hamm!

[ Wayne Smote enters ]

Wayne: I’m not Jon Hamm.

Darrell: I know, but we’re here… and we’re gonna edit him in. You’re just here for the lighting and markers, okay? [ to the camera ] Thanks for coming! [ whispering ] Now, shake my hand…” [ they shake hands ] There we go… [ loudly ] You look AMAZING, Jon! What’s your secret?

Wayne: My secret is… I’m not Jon Hamm.

Darrell: [ glancing off-camera ] Marcus? Okay, listen, I’m gonna laugh really hard, in case, uh, Jon says something really funny, okay? I’m gonna do it right here. [ he laughs ridiculously over-the-top ] Oh, Jon! Care for some snacks?

[ Wayne shrugs his shoulders, then follows Darrell over to the empty snack tray ]

Darrell: Okay, pretend to take some snacks, please? And eat a snack.

[ Wayne pretends to eat snacks ]

Darrell: Why, thank you, Jon! I made them myself!

Wayne: Hey, if Jon Hamm is on this show, why isn’t he here?

Darrell: [ outraged ] BECAUSE WE’RE ON DIFFERENT SCHEDULES!!! [ he throws down his snack tray, then glances off-camera ] Hey, Marcus? Just edit that part out, okay? I’m gonna tell my joke now. [ he looks at the camera ] You look so happy, Jon, which is surprising — I always heard you were a MAD man! [ he smiles, then glances off-camera ] Insert a shot of, uh, “Showtime at the Apollo”, people laughing at the audience, okay? Audience — huge laugh, right there. [ to the camera ] “Thanks for stopping by, Jon!”

Wayne: Go?

Darrell: Yes! Go! Go!

Wayne: Hey, when’s this gonna be on? I want to tell my mom to watch.

Darrell: You’re not gonna be on! Jon Hamm is gonna be on!

Wayne: [ smiling ] I bet it’ll be me!

Darrell: Bye, Jon! You’re a friend!

[ Wayne quietly exits ]

Darrell: Well… For the first time I had someone to my house, THAT was a success! [ he glances off-camera ] So, what I want to do here is, I want to wink, but I can’t — I can only blink. So I’ll blink… but then CGI this eye open so it looks like a wink, okay? [ he blinks ] And now freeze-frame me smiling, and roll the credits over my face. [ he stands still as he smiles wide ] And then, we can just roll the song.

[ cut back to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]

Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”

Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Notify of