Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 19
Zach Galifianakis’ Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Zach Galifianakis!
[ as Galifianakis approaches Home Base, he picks a rose from the band area, sniffs it, then places it atop the piano waiting near Home Base ]
Zach Galifianakis: Thank you! Thanks, everybody! I’m Zach Galifianakis. Thank you. Thank you. Don’t get your hopes up! I hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving, um… [ he squints, as the audience roars with laughter ] I haven’t really done anything, guys.
I was playing Charades with my father — uh, Cha-rods. Uh, my father is, uh — This is his Charade for a minute long… just this: [ he sticks out his tongue and waves his head and hands ] I’m like, “Dad! What else?!” [ he continues his gestures ] His word was TOFU!
I once played Charades with a couple. My wife and I were playing Charades with a couple that were deaf. They were amazing! I mean, none of this [ he tugs his ear ] “Sounds like…” business.
This happens to me once a week. Maybe — Usually, twice a week — But once a week, this happens. Last week, I’m in a gift card shop — I’m buying a card — and this woman comes up to me and says, “Um… has anyone ever told you that you look like the guy from “The Hangover”? No offense.”
I once got urinated on in a parking lot at Cracker Barrell. [ he shakes his head ] Craigslist!
[ he sits at the piano and starts playing a soft tune ]
I’d like to just talk about myself now… I’m very well reed, and, uh…
The other day, I was… lighting the bottom of my spoon with a Bic lighter…
I only have set-ups. No punchlines.
I had a flight last week, from La Guardia. I had a layover at JFK. I had a sopover at Newark.
Sometimes when I’m bored, I just like to look up things online and see if there’s something I can’t find out. I like to stump Google. The other day, I Googled: “How many Mexicans live in North Korea?” Google didn’t know! I also Googled: “How many candles does Dave Navarro own?” 14,000.
Sometimes when I see people on the side of the road with car trouble, I like to pull over, put my hazards on, get out of my car, walk up to them… and try my jokes out on them.
Sometimes when I’m in a restaurant, I’ll order a beet salad, so when the waiter brings me my beet salad, I just look at them and go: “Thanks for laying down those funky beets.” It’s an expensive joke because I don’t even like beet salad.
I know a guy that… well, he has a beard and he kind of lives in Pennsylvania. He’s Am-ish.
Here’s something you’ll never see in Braille: “If you see something, say something.”
[ he stops playing the piano, returns to Home Base and tosses the rose into the audience ]
Zach Galifianakis: And now in honor of this great stage, and all the great characters who have been through here, I would like to do a character that I’ve been working on for a while. This character is called The Guy Who Reaches Into His Pocket And Thinks Anything Is A Cell Phone. Here we go — The Guy Who Reaches Into His Pocket And Thinks Anything Is A Cell Phone. [ he pulls an Altoid tin out of his pocket, and clumsily holds it to his ear as all the mints fall out ] “Hello? Hey, I can barely here you. This is an Altoid box.” [ he throws the tin to the floor ]
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
Zach Galifianakis: We have a WONDERFUL show for you tonight, everybody! Of Monsters and Men is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!