SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 05/04/13: Zach Galifianakis’ Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

Zach Galifianakis’ Monologue

…..Zach Galifianakis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Zach Galifianakis!

[ as Galifianakis approaches Home Base, he picks a rose from the band area, sniffs it, then places it atop the piano waiting near Home Base ]

Zach Galifianakis: Thank you! Thanks, everybody! I’m Zach Galifianakis. Thank you. Thank you. Don’t get your hopes up! I hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving, um… [ he squints, as the audience roars with laughter ] I haven’t really done anything, guys.

I was playing Charades with my father — uh, Cha-rods. Uh, my father is, uh — This is his Charade for a minute long… just this: [ he sticks out his tongue and waves his head and hands ] I’m like, “Dad! What else?!” [ he continues his gestures ] His word was TOFU!

I once played Charades with a couple. My wife and I were playing Charades with a couple that were deaf. They were amazing! I mean, none of this [ he tugs his ear ] “Sounds like…” business.

This happens to me once a week. Maybe — Usually, twice a week — But once a week, this happens. Last week, I’m in a gift card shop — I’m buying a card — and this woman comes up to me and says, “Um… has anyone ever told you that you look like the guy from “The Hangover”? No offense.”

I once got urinated on in a parking lot at Cracker Barrell. [ he shakes his head ] Craigslist!

[ he sits at the piano and starts playing a soft tune ]

I’d like to just talk about myself now… I’m very well reed, and, uh…

The other day, I was… lighting the bottom of my spoon with a Bic lighter…

I only have set-ups. No punchlines.

I had a flight last week, from La Guardia. I had a layover at JFK. I had a sopover at Newark.

Sometimes when I’m bored, I just like to look up things online and see if there’s something I can’t find out. I like to stump Google. The other day, I Googled: “How many Mexicans live in North Korea?” Google didn’t know! I also Googled: “How many candles does Dave Navarro own?” 14,000.

Sometimes when I see people on the side of the road with car trouble, I like to pull over, put my hazards on, get out of my car, walk up to them… and try my jokes out on them.

Sometimes when I’m in a restaurant, I’ll order a beet salad, so when the waiter brings me my beet salad, I just look at them and go: “Thanks for laying down those funky beets.” It’s an expensive joke because I don’t even like beet salad.

I know a guy that… well, he has a beard and he kind of lives in Pennsylvania. He’s Am-ish.

Here’s something you’ll never see in Braille: “If you see something, say something.”

[ he stops playing the piano, returns to Home Base and tosses the rose into the audience ]

Zach Galifianakis: And now in honor of this great stage, and all the great characters who have been through here, I would like to do a character that I’ve been working on for a while. This character is called The Guy Who Reaches Into His Pocket And Thinks Anything Is A Cell Phone. Here we go — The Guy Who Reaches Into His Pocket And Thinks Anything Is A Cell Phone. [ he pulls an Altoid tin out of his pocket, and clumsily holds it to his ear as all the mints fall out ] “Hello? Hey, I can barely here you. This is an Altoid box.” [ he throws the tin to the floor ] [ the audience applauds wildly ]

Zach Galifianakis: We have a WONDERFUL show for you tonight, everybody! Of Monsters and Men is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

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