Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 20
May 11th, 2013
Benghazi HearingsSummary: In an attempt to keep the Benghazi Hearings fresh in the minds of a disniterested public, Darrell Issa (Bill Hader) calls media sensation Jodi Arias (Nasim Pedrad) to the stand.
Kristen Wiig’s MonologueSummary: Kristen Wiig sings “I’m so Excited” to demonstrate how thrilled she is to come back to host “Saturday Night Live” 11 months and 30 days after quitting the cast, but has already forgotten the general layout of Studio 8-H.
Recurring Characters: Gilly.
1-800-FLOWERSSummary: Kathleen (Kristen Wiig) buys flowers for her Mom (Kate McKinnon) on Mother’s Day, even though she finds her personally annoying.
The CaliforniansSummary: Stuart (Fred Armisen) is shocked to learn that Karina (Kristen Wiig) faked her own death, and is now back with plenty of directions to give.
Recurring Characters: Stuart, Devin, Karina, Trey, Rosa, Todd Garnes.
Aw Nuts! Mom’s A Ghost!Summary: A new Disney tween comedy features a wacky, “Ring”-like ghost mom (Kristen Wiig).
The Lawrence Welk ShowSummary: Dooneese (Kristen Wiig) shows off her weird baby hands in a fake beach setting.
Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk, Dooneese, Toni, Nancy.
Vampire Weekend performs “Diane Young”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Secondhand news correspondent Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) botches more recent names and events from the news. Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) improvise songs for Mother’s Day.
Recurring Characters: Anthony Crispino, Garth & Kat.
TargetSummary: The Target Lady (Kristen Wiig) has another exciting day scanning her customers’ merchandise.
Recurring Characters: Target Lady.
AcupunctureSummary: Ronald’s (Jason Sudeikis) acupuncture therapy results in Daphne (Aidy Bryant) and her supervisor (Kristen Wiig) accidentally bleeding him to death.
Vampire Weekend performs “Unbelievers”
Double DateSummary: A pair of desperate women (Kristen Wiig, Cecily Strong) are thrilled to be on a blind date with sixth-graders Tyler (Tim Robinson) and Drew (Bobby Moynihan).
Classy Sexy ElegnaceSummary: Reality-TV housewives (Kristen Wiig, Cecily Strong, Aidy Bryant) release hastily-produced vanity albums.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts