SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 20

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

Guest Writer:

May 11th, 2013

Kristen Wiig

Vampire Weekend


Maya Rudolph

Jonah Hill

Lorne Michaels

John Solomon


Benghazi HearingsSummary: In an attempt to keep the Benghazi Hearings fresh in the minds of a disniterested public, Darrell Issa (Bill Hader) calls media sensation Jodi Arias (Nasim Pedrad) to the stand.



Kristen Wiig’s MonologueSummary: Kristen Wiig sings “I’m so Excited” to demonstrate how thrilled she is to come back to host “Saturday Night Live” 11 months and 30 days after quitting the cast, but has already forgotten the general layout of Studio 8-H.

Recurring Characters: Gilly.


1-800-FLOWERSSummary: Kathleen (Kristen Wiig) buys flowers for her Mom (Kate McKinnon) on Mother’s Day, even though she finds her personally annoying.


The CaliforniansSummary: Stuart (Fred Armisen) is shocked to learn that Karina (Kristen Wiig) faked her own death, and is now back with plenty of directions to give.

Recurring Characters: Stuart, Devin, Karina, Trey, Rosa, Todd Garnes.

Aw Nuts! Mom’s A Ghost!Summary: A new Disney tween comedy features a wacky, “Ring”-like ghost mom (Kristen Wiig).

The Lawrence Welk ShowSummary: Dooneese (Kristen Wiig) shows off her weird baby hands in a fake beach setting.

Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk, Dooneese, Toni, Nancy.

Vampire Weekend performs “Diane Young”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Secondhand news correspondent Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) botches more recent names and events from the news. Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) improvise songs for Mother’s Day.

Recurring Characters: Anthony Crispino, Garth & Kat.

TargetSummary: The Target Lady (Kristen Wiig) has another exciting day scanning her customers’ merchandise.

Recurring Characters: Target Lady.

AcupunctureSummary: Ronald’s (Jason Sudeikis) acupuncture therapy results in Daphne (Aidy Bryant) and her supervisor (Kristen Wiig) accidentally bleeding him to death.

Vampire Weekend performs “Unbelievers”

Double DateSummary: A pair of desperate women (Kristen Wiig, Cecily Strong) are thrilled to be on a blind date with sixth-graders Tyler (Tim Robinson) and Drew (Bobby Moynihan).


Classy Sexy ElegnaceSummary: Reality-TV housewives (Kristen Wiig, Cecily Strong, Aidy Bryant) release hastily-produced vanity albums.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 5 / 5. Vote count: 1

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x