SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: Double Date



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 20










12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend

Double Date

Kristen…..Kristen Wiig
Cecily…..Cecily Strong
Tyler…..Tim Robinson
Drew…..Bobby Moynihan
Waiter…..Taran Killam

[ open on two women sipping drinks at Eddy’s ]

Cecily: Uh, okay, so anyway… We’ve known each other for three years — Ernst & Young —

Kristen: [ giggling ] And, news flash: The finance world is boring! Long hours. It’s rare we get to date.

Cecily: Um — What do you guys do again?

[ reveal their dates: two young boys sipping sodas ]

Drew: We’re in the Sixth Grade.

[ the Waiter appears ]

Waiter: Well… Have we decided?

Cecily: Yes! We are gonna split the sea bass.

Kristen: Yes.

Waiter: Okay, and for you fellas?

Tyler: Can I just please have, um, regular noodles and lots of butter?

Cecily: Oh, my God! SUCH a guy, right!

Drew: Can I have chicken fingers, but can I have both ranch and barbecue?

Waiter: You got it! And, everybody still good on drinks?

Kristen: Actually, we could do another. I love that I don’t even have to tell you…

Cecily: Hello!

Kristen: I know!

Waiter: [ laughing ] And how about you fellas? You still good with the soda?

Tyler: Yeah…

Drew: Yeah.

Waiter: Okay.

[ Waiter exits ]

Cecily: Um — So you guys… both play soccer? Is that right?

Together: Yeah…

Cecily: Okay. And what positions do you do? [ she laughs and points at her friend ] Okay! Don’t you say anything!

Kristen: Excuse me!

Cecily: Okay!

Kristen: I didn’t know we were there!

Cecily: I did NOT mean it like that! I actually meant SOCCER positions! I did!

Drew: I play Defense.

Tyler: Forward.

[ the women slowly sip their drinks ]

Kristen: You guys are lucky. Yuo have all your hair! [ she laughs ] More than I can say for my ex-husband, that dickhead.

Cecily: I never liked him! Never!

Kristen: Ohhhh, gee! You didn’t? You only tell me that, like, every day!

Cecily: Okay! Well, he got DRUK and beat up your BOSS!

[ the boys are stunned silent ]

Kristen: Once!

Cecily: Well, he did.

Kristen: Once!

Cecily: But he did!

Kristen: Okay, we have to change the subject. Tyler and Drew are, like, “This lady is a walking jackabee!”

[ the ladies laugh ]

Kristen: What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

Cecily: Hmmm…

Tyler: [ thinking ] My Dad got me a jet ski, and I rode it.

Cecily: [ leaning in ] Mmm, what’s that?

Kristen: His dad got him a jet ski, and he rode it.

Cecily: [ impressed ] Wow! That’s very DARING! Uh, you weren’t afraid at all?

Tyler: [ modestly ] Uh-uh!

Cecily: [ into her drink ] I would like to see you again… Oh, my God! I HATED that!! Okay! I am NOT good at this!

Kristen: [ laughing ] You’re like a female URKEL!

Cecily: [ nasally ] “Did I do that?!” [ she laughs ] Do you know what I mean?

[ the boys just look at her ]

Cecily: Oh, my God! You guys don’t know Urkel. Okay! We’re ancient! Wow!

Kristen: “Family Matters” was, like, a MILLION years before you were born, right? I am such a dinosaur!

Cecily: Right?

Tyler: [ trying ] My favorite dinosaur is the brontosaurus. Scientists can’t tell from the fossils, um, if they held their necks out upright, or if their — their —

Cecily: No, no, no! Please! As opposed to…?

Tyler: Their necks went straight out.

Cecily: WoW! [ twirling her hair ] So, they… don’t know?

Kristen: Wow! That reminds me, like, how little I know about dinosaurs!

Cecily: Right? It’s like, “Thank God YOU’RE here! A little dinosaur expert!”

Kristen: [ laughing ] What are we experts on?

Cecily: Uhhhh… VODKA?! [ she laughs ] I mean, seriously — Where’s that other round?

Kristen: [ to the boys ] Is it okay that we’re drinking, and you’re not?

Drew: One time, I drank a whole liter of root beer and I burped reallyl oud.

[ the ladies laugh uncontrollably ]

Kristen: Whaaaat?! My God!

Cecily: What?!

Drew: It was on my birthday, last week.

Kristen: [ piqued ] A Taurus! Earth sign. Uh-oh, for me!

[ the Waiter returns ]

Waiter: Hey, uh, guys? Can you keep it down? [ a beat ] I’m TOTALLY kidding! [ they all laugh ] This round’s on me! Gosh, I wish I was at the FUN table, instead of having to work!

Cecily: Ooh! Ooh! [ to B ] Tell im what you told us!

Drew: Um… One time, I drank a liter of root beer and then I burped really loud.

[ the Waiter laughs uncontrollably ]

Waiter: WHAAAATTT?!! WHEN??!

Ladies: LAST WEEK!!

[ the Waiter continues to laugh uncontrollably as he exits ]

Tyler: I’m the last one in my class who can’t swim! But I’m gonna learn this summer. My mom says ut’s no rush, ’cause I’m so sweet!

Cecily: Um… [ super coolly ] I agree with your mom!

Kristen: Uhhh… Wow! Get a room-a?

Cecily: Alright, shut up! Of course, YOU’RE gonna bust my balls! Of course!

[ the Waiter returns ]

Waiter: Uhhhh… hey. If you two are Tyler and Drew… I think your moms are waiting outside. [ he puts the bill on the table ] There’s no rush. I’ll leave this here, and, uh, make your meals to-go, okay?

[ the Waiter exits ]

Cecily: Uhhh… so, should we go dutch, orrrrr…?

Drew: My Dad said I have to pay.

Kristen: Okay. ‘Cause that was, like, the slowest reach for a wallet EVER!

Cecily: [ embarrassed ] Oh, my God! Shut UP!!

[ the ladies laugh ridiculously ] [ meanwhile, Drew opens a coffee can and pours his loose change all over the table ]

Kristen: um… [ she giggles ] That’s not gonna be enough!

Drew: Bye…

[ the boys stand up and walk away from the table, leaving the ladies with each other ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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