Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 20
[ open on two women sipping drinks at Eddy’s ]
Cecily: Uh, okay, so anyway… We’ve known each other for three years — Ernst & Young —
Kristen: [ giggling ] And, news flash: The finance world is boring! Long hours. It’s rare we get to date.
Cecily: Um — What do you guys do again?
[ reveal their dates: two young boys sipping sodas ]
Drew: We’re in the Sixth Grade.
[ the Waiter appears ]
Waiter: Well… Have we decided?
Cecily: Yes! We are gonna split the sea bass.
Waiter: Okay, and for you fellas?
Tyler: Can I just please have, um, regular noodles and lots of butter?
Cecily: Oh, my God! SUCH a guy, right!
Drew: Can I have chicken fingers, but can I have both ranch and barbecue?
Waiter: You got it! And, everybody still good on drinks?
Kristen: Actually, we could do another. I love that I don’t even have to tell you…
Kristen: I know!
Waiter: [ laughing ] And how about you fellas? You still good with the soda?
[ Waiter exits ]
Cecily: Um — So you guys… both play soccer? Is that right?
Cecily: Okay. And what positions do you do? [ she laughs and points at her friend ] Okay! Don’t you say anything!
Kristen: Excuse me!
Kristen: I didn’t know we were there!
Cecily: I did NOT mean it like that! I actually meant SOCCER positions! I did!
Drew: I play Defense.
[ the women slowly sip their drinks ]
Kristen: You guys are lucky. Yuo have all your hair! [ she laughs ] More than I can say for my ex-husband, that dickhead.
Cecily: I never liked him! Never!
Kristen: Ohhhh, gee! You didn’t? You only tell me that, like, every day!
Cecily: Okay! Well, he got DRUK and beat up your BOSS!
[ the boys are stunned silent ]
Cecily: Well, he did.
Cecily: But he did!
Kristen: Okay, we have to change the subject. Tyler and Drew are, like, “This lady is a walking jackabee!”
[ the ladies laugh ]
Kristen: What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?
Tyler: [ thinking ] My Dad got me a jet ski, and I rode it.
Cecily: [ leaning in ] Mmm, what’s that?
Kristen: His dad got him a jet ski, and he rode it.
Cecily: [ impressed ] Wow! That’s very DARING! Uh, you weren’t afraid at all?
Tyler: [ modestly ] Uh-uh!
Cecily: [ into her drink ] I would like to see you again… Oh, my God! I HATED that!! Okay! I am NOT good at this!
Kristen: [ laughing ] You’re like a female URKEL!
Cecily: [ nasally ] “Did I do that?!” [ she laughs ] Do you know what I mean?
[ the boys just look at her ]
Cecily: Oh, my God! You guys don’t know Urkel. Okay! We’re ancient! Wow!
Kristen: “Family Matters” was, like, a MILLION years before you were born, right? I am such a dinosaur!
Tyler: [ trying ] My favorite dinosaur is the brontosaurus. Scientists can’t tell from the fossils, um, if they held their necks out upright, or if their — their —
Cecily: No, no, no! Please! As opposed to…?
Tyler: Their necks went straight out.
Cecily: WoW! [ twirling her hair ] So, they… don’t know?
Kristen: Wow! That reminds me, like, how little I know about dinosaurs!
Cecily: Right? It’s like, “Thank God YOU’RE here! A little dinosaur expert!”
Kristen: [ laughing ] What are we experts on?
Cecily: Uhhhh… VODKA?! [ she laughs ] I mean, seriously — Where’s that other round?
Kristen: [ to the boys ] Is it okay that we’re drinking, and you’re not?
Drew: One time, I drank a whole liter of root beer and I burped reallyl oud.
[ the ladies laugh uncontrollably ]
Kristen: Whaaaat?! My God!
Drew: It was on my birthday, last week.
Kristen: [ piqued ] A Taurus! Earth sign. Uh-oh, for me!
[ the Waiter returns ]
Waiter: Hey, uh, guys? Can you keep it down? [ a beat ] I’m TOTALLY kidding! [ they all laugh ] This round’s on me! Gosh, I wish I was at the FUN table, instead of having to work!
Cecily: Ooh! Ooh! [ to B ] Tell im what you told us!
Drew: Um… One time, I drank a liter of root beer and then I burped really loud.
[ the Waiter laughs uncontrollably ]
Waiter: WHAAAATTT?!! WHEN??!
Ladies: LAST WEEK!!
[ the Waiter continues to laugh uncontrollably as he exits ]
Tyler: I’m the last one in my class who can’t swim! But I’m gonna learn this summer. My mom says ut’s no rush, ’cause I’m so sweet!
Cecily: Um… [ super coolly ] I agree with your mom!
Kristen: Uhhh… Wow! Get a room-a?
Cecily: Alright, shut up! Of course, YOU’RE gonna bust my balls! Of course!
[ the Waiter returns ]
Waiter: Uhhhh… hey. If you two are Tyler and Drew… I think your moms are waiting outside. [ he puts the bill on the table ] There’s no rush. I’ll leave this here, and, uh, make your meals to-go, okay?
[ the Waiter exits ]
Cecily: Uhhh… so, should we go dutch, orrrrr…?
Drew: My Dad said I have to pay.
Kristen: Okay. ‘Cause that was, like, the slowest reach for a wallet EVER!
Cecily: [ embarrassed ] Oh, my God! Shut UP!!
[ the ladies laugh ridiculously ]
[ meanwhile, Drew opens a coffee can and pours his loose change all over the table ]
Kristen: um… [ she giggles ] That’s not gonna be enough!
[ the boys stand up and walk away from the table, leaving the ladies with each other ]
[ fade ]