SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: Double Date

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 20

12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend

Double Date

Kristen…..Kristen Wiig
Cecily…..Cecily Strong
Tyler…..Tim Robinson
Drew…..Bobby Moynihan
Waiter…..Taran Killam

[ open on two women sipping drinks at Eddy’s ]

Cecily: Uh, okay, so anyway… We’ve known each other for three years — Ernst & Young —

Kristen: [ giggling ] And, news flash: The finance world is boring! Long hours. It’s rare we get to date.

Cecily: Um — What do you guys do again?

[ reveal their dates: two young boys sipping sodas ]

Drew: We’re in the Sixth Grade.

[ the Waiter appears ]

Waiter: Well… Have we decided?

Cecily: Yes! We are gonna split the sea bass.

Kristen: Yes.

Waiter: Okay, and for you fellas?

Tyler: Can I just please have, um, regular noodles and lots of butter?

Cecily: Oh, my God! SUCH a guy, right!

Drew: Can I have chicken fingers, but can I have both ranch and barbecue?

Waiter: You got it! And, everybody still good on drinks?

Kristen: Actually, we could do another. I love that I don’t even have to tell you…

Cecily: Hello!

Kristen: I know!

Waiter: [ laughing ] And how about you fellas? You still good with the soda?

Tyler: Yeah…

Drew: Yeah.

Waiter: Okay.

[ Waiter exits ]

Cecily: Um — So you guys… both play soccer? Is that right?

Together: Yeah…

Cecily: Okay. And what positions do you do? [ she laughs and points at her friend ] Okay! Don’t you say anything!

Kristen: Excuse me!

Cecily: Okay!

Kristen: I didn’t know we were there!

Cecily: I did NOT mean it like that! I actually meant SOCCER positions! I did!

Drew: I play Defense.

Tyler: Forward.

[ the women slowly sip their drinks ]

Kristen: You guys are lucky. Yuo have all your hair! [ she laughs ] More than I can say for my ex-husband, that dickhead.

Cecily: I never liked him! Never!

Kristen: Ohhhh, gee! You didn’t? You only tell me that, like, every day!

Cecily: Okay! Well, he got DRUK and beat up your BOSS!

[ the boys are stunned silent ]

Kristen: Once!

Cecily: Well, he did.

Kristen: Once!

Cecily: But he did!

Kristen: Okay, we have to change the subject. Tyler and Drew are, like, “This lady is a walking jackabee!”

[ the ladies laugh ]

Kristen: What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

Cecily: Hmmm…

Tyler: [ thinking ] My Dad got me a jet ski, and I rode it.

Cecily: [ leaning in ] Mmm, what’s that?

Kristen: His dad got him a jet ski, and he rode it.

Cecily: [ impressed ] Wow! That’s very DARING! Uh, you weren’t afraid at all?

Tyler: [ modestly ] Uh-uh!

Cecily: [ into her drink ] I would like to see you again… Oh, my God! I HATED that!! Okay! I am NOT good at this!

Kristen: [ laughing ] You’re like a female URKEL!

Cecily: [ nasally ] “Did I do that?!” [ she laughs ] Do you know what I mean?

[ the boys just look at her ]

Cecily: Oh, my God! You guys don’t know Urkel. Okay! We’re ancient! Wow!

Kristen: “Family Matters” was, like, a MILLION years before you were born, right? I am such a dinosaur!

Cecily: Right?

Tyler: [ trying ] My favorite dinosaur is the brontosaurus. Scientists can’t tell from the fossils, um, if they held their necks out upright, or if their — their —

Cecily: No, no, no! Please! As opposed to…?

Tyler: Their necks went straight out.

Cecily: WoW! [ twirling her hair ] So, they… don’t know?

Kristen: Wow! That reminds me, like, how little I know about dinosaurs!

Cecily: Right? It’s like, “Thank God YOU’RE here! A little dinosaur expert!”

Kristen: [ laughing ] What are we experts on?

Cecily: Uhhhh… VODKA?! [ she laughs ] I mean, seriously — Where’s that other round?

Kristen: [ to the boys ] Is it okay that we’re drinking, and you’re not?

Drew: One time, I drank a whole liter of root beer and I burped reallyl oud.

[ the ladies laugh uncontrollably ]

Kristen: Whaaaat?! My God!

Cecily: What?!

Drew: It was on my birthday, last week.

Kristen: [ piqued ] A Taurus! Earth sign. Uh-oh, for me!

[ the Waiter returns ]

Waiter: Hey, uh, guys? Can you keep it down? [ a beat ] I’m TOTALLY kidding! [ they all laugh ] This round’s on me! Gosh, I wish I was at the FUN table, instead of having to work!

Cecily: Ooh! Ooh! [ to B ] Tell im what you told us!

Drew: Um… One time, I drank a liter of root beer and then I burped really loud.

[ the Waiter laughs uncontrollably ]

Waiter: WHAAAATTT?!! WHEN??!

Ladies: LAST WEEK!!

[ the Waiter continues to laugh uncontrollably as he exits ]

Tyler: I’m the last one in my class who can’t swim! But I’m gonna learn this summer. My mom says ut’s no rush, ’cause I’m so sweet!

Cecily: Um… [ super coolly ] I agree with your mom!

Kristen: Uhhh… Wow! Get a room-a?

Cecily: Alright, shut up! Of course, YOU’RE gonna bust my balls! Of course!

[ the Waiter returns ]

Waiter: Uhhhh… hey. If you two are Tyler and Drew… I think your moms are waiting outside. [ he puts the bill on the table ] There’s no rush. I’ll leave this here, and, uh, make your meals to-go, okay?

[ the Waiter exits ]

Cecily: Uhhh… so, should we go dutch, orrrrr…?

Drew: My Dad said I have to pay.

Kristen: Okay. ‘Cause that was, like, the slowest reach for a wallet EVER!

Cecily: [ embarrassed ] Oh, my God! Shut UP!!

[ the ladies laugh ridiculously ] [ meanwhile, Drew opens a coffee can and pours his loose change all over the table ]

Kristen: um… [ she giggles ] That’s not gonna be enough!

Drew: Bye…

[ the boys stand up and walk away from the table, leaving the ladies with each other ] [ fade ]

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