SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: 1-800-FLOWERS

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 20

12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend


Kathleen…..Kristen Wiig
Mom…..Kate McKinnon
Waiter…..Tim Robinson
Dad…..Bill Hader

[ open on Kathleen walking through flower garden ]

Kathleen: Flowers are nature’s most beautiful gift. So this Mother’s Day, I’m gonna ahow my mom how much I care, with a little help from 1-800-FLOWERS.

[ cut to Kathleen giving Mom a vase of flowers ]

Kathleen: Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

Mom: Ohhhh… honey, I love these! Thank you!

Kathleen V/O: The gift that’s as wonderful as she is.

Mom: But… maybe you should keep them, because your apartment is so sad.

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: Because my mom means EVERYTHING to me! And I love EVERYTHING about her!

[ cut to Kathleen at brunch with Mom ]

Mom: Excuse me?

Waiter: Yeah?

Mom: Are there nuts in this?

Kathleen: There are never nuts in Eggs Benedict. You don’t need to ask that every time.

Mom: Well, I’m sorry for double-checking, Kathleen.

Kathleen: You’re not even allergic. Nothing would happen.

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: I guess you could say she’s my favorite person in the whole entire world!

[ cut to Kathleen in kitchen with mom ]

Mom: You know that mattress store downtown? Mattress Factory?

Kathleen: No.

Mom: Mattress Warehouse?

Kathleen: No.

Mom: The owner… hanged himself.

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: She’s my role model, my best friend, and everything I hope I’ll be one day.

[ cut to Mom entering Kathleen’s bedroom in the midle of the night ]

Mom: I can’t find my debit card, I think my identity’s been thieved!

Kathleen: I’m sleeping!

[ Mom sits on the bed as she dials Customer Service ]

Kathleen: Why are you up?!

Mom: [ into the phone ] Representative! 2 – 4 – 5…

[ Kathleen screams underneath her pillow ] [ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: So this Mother’s Day, I’m turning to 1-800-FLOWERS. to help than my mom for all the amazing times.

[ cut to Kathleen at brunch with her mom ]

Mom: So what’s the latest with that Leann Rimes girl?

Kathleen: I have no idea.

Mom: What a saga that is. Geez…

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: And, above all, how open and honest we are with each other.

[ cut to Kathleen and Mom in the kitchen ]

Mom: Last week, your father and I watched a porno.

Kathleen: WHY would you share that with me?!

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: So call or click today, and make this a Mother’s Day she won’t ever forget.

Mom: [ entering scene ] I still can’t find my debit card…!

Kathleen: Mom! I am doing a COMMERCIAL!!

Mom: [ digging through purse ] Here, I’ll double-check inside this guy. God, I wish I was a lesbian so I didn’t have to carry a purse. [ Kathleen wanders off ] Where are you going? Honey, it’s your commercial! I didn’t mean to interrupt! Come back! Coem back!

Announcer: 1-800-FLOWERS. Buckle up, ’cause Father’s Day is next

[ cut to Kathleen and Dad in kitchen ]

Dad: Kathleen… it was an Asian porno.

Kathleen: [ throwing her spoon down ] DAD!!

[ fade ]

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