Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 20
12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend
[ open on Kathleen walking through flower garden ]
Kathleen: Flowers are nature’s most beautiful gift. So this Mother’s Day, I’m gonna ahow my mom how much I care, with a little help from 1-800-FLOWERS.[ cut to Kathleen giving Mom a vase of flowers ]
Kathleen: Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!
Mom: Ohhhh… honey, I love these! Thank you!
Kathleen V/O: The gift that’s as wonderful as she is.
Mom: But… maybe you should keep them, because your apartment is so sad.[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]
Kathleen: Because my mom means EVERYTHING to me! And I love EVERYTHING about her![ cut to Kathleen at brunch with Mom ]
Mom: Excuse me?
Mom: Are there nuts in this?
Kathleen: There are never nuts in Eggs Benedict. You don’t need to ask that every time.
Mom: Well, Im sorry for double-checking, Kathleen.
Kathleen: Youre not even allergic. Nothing would happen.[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]
Kathleen: I guess you could say she’s my favorite person in the whole entire world![ cut to Kathleen in kitchen with mom ]
Mom: You know that mattress store downtown? Mattress Factory?
Mom: Mattress Warehouse?
Mom: The owner… hanged himself.[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]
Kathleen: She’s my role model, my best friend, and everything I hope I’ll be one day.[ cut to Mom entering Kathleen’s bedroom in the midle of the night ]
Mom: I can’t find my debit card, I think my identity’s been thieved!
Kathleen: I’m sleeping![ Mom sits on the bed as she dials Customer Service ]
Kathleen: Why are you up?!
Mom: [ into the phone ] Representative! 2 – 4 – 5…[ Kathleen screams underneath her pillow ] [ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]
Kathleen: So this Mother’s Day, I’m turning to 1-800-FLOWERS. to help than my mom for all the amazing times.[ cut to Kathleen at brunch with her mom ]
Mom: So what’s the latest with that Leann Rimes girl?
Kathleen: I have no idea.
Mom: What a saga that is. Geez…[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]
Kathleen: And, above all, how open and honest we are with each other.[ cut to Kathleen and Mom in the kitchen ]
Mom: Last week, your father and I watched a porno.
Kathleen: WHY would you share that with me?!
Kathleen: So call or click today, and make this a Mother’s Day she won’t ever forget.
Mom: [ entering scene ] I still can’t find my debit card…!
Kathleen: Mom! I am doing a COMMERCIAL!!
Mom: [ digging through purse ] Here, I’ll double-check inside this guy. God, I wish I was a lesbian so I didn’t have to carry a purse. [ Kathleen wanders off ] Where are you going? Honey, it’s your commercial! I didn’t mean to interrupt! Come back! Coem back!
Announcer: 1-800-FLOWERS. Buckle up, ’cause Father’s Day is next…[ cut to Kathleen and Dad in kitchen ]
Dad: Kathleen… it was an Asian porno.
Kathleen: [ throwing her spoon down ] DAD!![ fade ]