SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: 1-800-FLOWERS


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 20

12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend


Kathleen…..Kristen Wiig
Mom…..Kate McKinnon
Waiter…..Tim Robinson
Dad…..Bill Hader

[ open on Kathleen walking through flower garden ]

Kathleen: Flowers are nature’s most beautiful gift. So this Mother’s Day, I’m gonna ahow my mom how much I care, with a little help from 1-800-FLOWERS.

[ cut to Kathleen giving Mom a vase of flowers ]

Kathleen: Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

Mom: Ohhhh… honey, I love these! Thank you!

Kathleen V/O: The gift that’s as wonderful as she is.

Mom: But… maybe you should keep them, because your apartment is so sad.

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: Because my mom means EVERYTHING to me! And I love EVERYTHING about her!

[ cut to Kathleen at brunch with Mom ]

Mom: Excuse me?

Waiter: Yeah?

Mom: Are there nuts in this?

Kathleen: There are never nuts in Eggs Benedict. You don’t need to ask that every time.

Mom: Well, I’m sorry for double-checking, Kathleen.

Kathleen: You’re not even allergic. Nothing would happen.

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: I guess you could say she’s my favorite person in the whole entire world!

[ cut to Kathleen in kitchen with mom ]

Mom: You know that mattress store downtown? Mattress Factory?

Kathleen: No.

Mom: Mattress Warehouse?

Kathleen: No.

Mom: The owner… hanged himself.

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: She’s my role model, my best friend, and everything I hope I’ll be one day.

[ cut to Mom entering Kathleen’s bedroom in the midle of the night ]

Mom: I can’t find my debit card, I think my identity’s been thieved!

Kathleen: I’m sleeping!

[ Mom sits on the bed as she dials Customer Service ]

Kathleen: Why are you up?!

Mom: [ into the phone ] Representative! 2 – 4 – 5…

[ Kathleen screams underneath her pillow ] [ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: So this Mother’s Day, I’m turning to 1-800-FLOWERS. to help than my mom for all the amazing times.

[ cut to Kathleen at brunch with her mom ]

Mom: So what’s the latest with that Leann Rimes girl?

Kathleen: I have no idea.

Mom: What a saga that is. Geez…

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: And, above all, how open and honest we are with each other.

[ cut to Kathleen and Mom in the kitchen ]

Mom: Last week, your father and I watched a porno.

Kathleen: WHY would you share that with me?!

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: So call or click today, and make this a Mother’s Day she won’t ever forget.

Mom: [ entering scene ] I still can’t find my debit card…!

Kathleen: Mom! I am doing a COMMERCIAL!!

Mom: [ digging through purse ] Here, I’ll double-check inside this guy. God, I wish I was a lesbian so I didn’t have to carry a purse. [ Kathleen wanders off ] Where are you going? Honey, it’s your commercial! I didn’t mean to interrupt! Come back! Coem back!

Announcer: 1-800-FLOWERS. Buckle up, ’cause Father’s Day is next

[ cut to Kathleen and Dad in kitchen ]

Dad: Kathleen… it was an Asian porno.

Kathleen: [ throwing her spoon down ] DAD!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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