Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 20
Darrell Issa…..Bill Hader
Elijah Cummings…..Kenan Thompson
Jodi Arias…..Nasim Pedrad
Trey Gowdy…..Taran Killam
Ariel Castro…..Bobby Moynihan
[ open on C-Span card ]
Announcer: Next on C-Span: In September 2012, the U.S. Consulate at Benghazi, Libya was overrun by Islamic militants. It led to the death of Ambassador Jay Christopher Stevens and three others. This week, the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform reopened hearings on the White House response to the attack.[ dissolve to the Benghazi Hearings ]
Darrell Issa: [ banging his gavel ] Everyone will kindly take their seats, please! We welcome you to this, our third day of hearings on our government’s bungled response to the attacks last September on our consulate in Benghazi, Libya. Before I call our lead-off witness, may I first say how truly unfortunate it is that our mainstream media — with the exception of Fox News — has shown such a lack of interest in this important story. It’s a shame and a disgrace.
Elijah Cummings: Uh, Mr. Chairman?
Darrell Issa: Uh, the Chair recognizes the gentleman from Maryland.
Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, if I may: I think the reason that the media hasn’t covered these hearings is that everyone knows this is just a partisan witch hunt, and a chance to atack the President and Secretary-of-State Clinton.
Darrell Issa: While my Democratic colleague is welcomed to his opinion, I’d like to see him and his friends in the media ignore these hearings after they hear from our first witness! [ he smiels devilishly ] The Chair calls Miss Jodi Arias.
Bailiff: [ to Arias ] Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Jodi Arias: I do.
Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, I’m sorry, but Miss Arias is a 32-year old woman who was just convicted of killing her boyfriend. I FAIL to see what POSSIBLE insights or expertise that SHE could bring to the events in Benghazi!
Darrell Issa: I think you’ll be, uh, pleasantly surprised. Miss Arias is a poised and intelligent —
Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, if you ask ME… I think this witness has been called today for the SOLE purpose of boosting the ratings for these hearings! AND getting the media to cover them!
Darrell Issa: That is a very MEAN and HURTFUL thing for my colleague to suggest. And it hurts me very deeply. Do you realize how hard it was to book her? — Especially THIS week?!
Elijah Cummings: Whatever!
Darrell Issa: Representative Gowdy, your witness.
Trey Gowdy: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Uh, Miss Arias. Let’s talk about the events at Benghazi. When were you first made aware that our consulate was under attack?
Jodi Arias: I guess… this morning.
Trey Gowdy: I see.
Jodi Arias: Is it… still going on?
Trey Gowdy: No. No. It happened last September. But, uh, my question —
Jodi Arias: Who do you think did it?
Trey Gowdy: Well, we know who did it. It was Ansar al-Sharria.
Jodi Arias: Well, if you know who did it… then why are you holding these hearings?[ Gawdy is speechless ]
Darrell Issa: Miss Arias. The way these hearings work is we ask the questions, and you answer them.
Jodi Arias: Oh, I’m sorry.
Darrell Issa: That’s alright. Does anyone else have a question for this witness? Anyone? [ no response ] Okay! Well… Thank you for coming.
Jodi Arias: Um… You bet!
Darrell Issa: While I’ve got you here, uh — That story you told, about your boyfriend attacknig you? That was BS, right?
Jodi Arias: Oh, totally! He… never laid a hand on me!
Darrell Issa: Yeah! Yeah, that sounded fishy to me!
Jodi Arias: You and the jury!
Darrell Issa: [ he laughs uproariously ] THank you again for your very couragous and very informative testimony here today.
Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, I don’t think that testimony was the least bit informative! Once again, I believe the last witness was called purely for TV ratings! Particularly, the key demographic of women, 18 to 45!
Darrell Issa: [ playfully ] Awwwwww, that is really unfair!
Elijah Cummings: I mean, what next? The guy from Cleveland who kept those women in his base-ment?
Darrell Issa: Well… uh… You have to admit, at least the media would cover it.
Elijah Cummings: Yeah, I guess so. But, still…[ reveal Ariel Castro seated in the courtroom ]
Ariel Castro: What about me? When do I get to testify, huh?
Darrell Issa: [ stunned ] Ohhhh, uhhhh… Don’t you worry there, uh, Mr. Ramsey, uh… Yuo’re on next week! But, for right now: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiight!!”