Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 20
12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend
Kristen Wiig’s Monologue
…..Kristen Wiig…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Jonah Hill
Abraham Lincoln…..John Solomon
…..Lorne Michaels
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Kristen Wiig!
[ the audience cheers enthusiastically, as Kristen takes it all in and begins clapping along with them ]Kristen Wiig: Why am I clapping? [ she laughs ] Oh, my gosh! WOW! Okay! It’s SO amazing to be back home HOSTING “SNL”! Um — Even though I left the show only 11 months and 30 days ago… it really feels like it’s been a year. Uh, you know… The show was a lot different back then. I was a lot different back then. Do we have a photo of that…?
[ reveal photo of modern-era David Spade ]Kristen Wiig: So embarrassing! I can’t beleive I used to wear my ears that way. Um — But even though things have changed around here, I am still SO happy to be home. Because, tonight… [ music begins to play ] Tonight is a special night.
Tonight, I’m hosting ‘SNL’ for yooooouuuu!
‘Cause even though I’ve been away a while now
I still know Camera 1 from Camera 2.” [ she erroneously faces Camera 2, then turns to face Camera 1 ] [ cast members appear behind Kristen and dance ]
Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
And I’m back inside it!
I’m about to start the show, and I hope you like it!
Tonight’s the night I’m back here where I started
I know this place like the back of my own hand.”
Oh, that’s weird.
[ singing ]“So come with me, let’s take a tour of backstage.I’ll introduce you to all of my closest friends.” [ she passes through the audience to reach Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, and Vanessa Bayer ]
Kristen Wiig: “Oh, look, it’s Kenan…!”
Bill Hader: Bill!
Kristen Wiig: “And Bobby…”
Jason Sudeikis: Jason.
Kristen Wiig: “And don’t forget Will Ferrell!”
Vanessa Bayer: Sure!
Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“Come with me-ee! And see-ee!
I worked her for a while
So I know! Where to go! In the studioooo!!”
Kristen Wiig: Is this door locked?
Jason Sudeikis: Of course, it is. Yeah. It’s a Fire Door. It’s always locked.
Kristen Wiig: Oh. Yeah… yeah, I knew that. Yeah. I used to work here!
[ she laughs and continues down a back hall ]Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]”I’m so excited!And I’m back inside it!And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know… where stuff is!Where stuff is!”
[ she reaches a Janitor’s door ]Kristen Wiig: Oh, look! It’s my dressing room! Cool! [ she opens the door to reveal Maya Rudolph making out with Jonah Hill ] Oh, my God! Maya! Jonah! What are you guys doing?!
Maya Rudolph: Well, what does it LOOK like we’re doing?!
Jonah Hill: We’re trying to make a baby!
Kristen Wiig: But… you’re already pregnant.
[ Maya and Jonah look dow at her belly and high-five one another ]Together: IT WORKED!!
[ Kristen continues down the hall ]Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
But I’m getting frightened!
All the hallways look the same, and I don’t like it.”
Kenan Thompson: Hey, Kristen!
[ Kristen zaps him with a taser ]Kenan Thompson: Owwwww!! Why’d you taze me?!
Kristen Wiig: Sorry! I got scared!
Kenan Thompson: I was just coming to give you a hug.
[ he extends his arms, as she zaps him again ]Kristen Wiig: I’m sorry! I’m REALLY scared! Don’t be mad! I’m sorry!
Kristen Wiig: Oh, I LOVED you in “Lincoln”, by the way! You were great!
[ Kristen continues down the hall ]Kristen Wiig: Oh, my gosh… this is harder than I thought…
[ she runs into Fred Armisen ]Kristen Wiig: Fred! Fred!
Fred Armisen: Oh, my God! I’m so happy to see you! Can I borrow $5,000?
Kristen Wiig: Fred, I’m in the middle of a monologue.
Fred Armisen: Wha…? [ he notices the camera ] Oh! uhhh… $2,000?
Kristen Wiig: Yeah. Fine. That’s fine.
Fred Armisen: Great! Thanks!
Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
I’m just a little misguided…”
Kristen Wiig: Oh, my gosh! Lorne! Lorne, I feel like I don’t know where ANYTHING is any more. And someone told me if I screw up the monologue, that I can never host again.
Lorne Michaels: Nonsense! You’re doing GREAT!
Kristen Wiig: Okay! Thanks, Lorne, thank you!
[ she kisses Lorne on the cheek and runs back toward Home Base ]Lorne Michaels: [ looking over ] Did you tell Kristen that?
[ reveal Gilly ]Gilly: [ smiling mischieviously ] What?
Lorne Michaels: Gillyyyyy.
Gilly: Uh-huh!
Lorne Michaels: Gilly.
Gilly: Sorry, Boss!
[ return to Kristen approaching Home Base, the cast surrounding her in two lines ]Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
And I just can’t hide it!
And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know… I’m back home!
I’m back home!
I’m so excited!
We’re reunited!
And we have, we have, we have, we have, we have… a great show!
A great show!”
Kristen Wiig: Thank you SO much! we have a GREAT show! Vampire Weekend is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
