SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: Kristen Wiig’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 20

12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend

Kristen Wiig’s Monologue

…..Kristen Wiig…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Jonah Hill
Abraham Lincoln…..John Solomon
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Kristen Wiig!

[ the audience cheers enthusiastically, as Kristen takes it all in and begins clapping along with them ]

Kristen Wiig: Why am I clapping? [ she laughs ] Oh, my gosh! WOW! Okay! It’s SO amazing to be back home HOSTING “SNL”! Um — Even though I left the show only 11 months and 30 days ago… it really feels like it’s been a year. Uh, you know… The show was a lot different back then. I was a lot different back then. Do we have a photo of that…?

[ reveal photo of modern-era David Spade ]

Kristen Wiig: So embarrassing! I can’t beleive I used to wear my ears that way. Um — But even though things have changed around here, I am still SO happy to be home. Because, tonight… [ music begins to play ] Tonight is a special night.

[ singing ]“Tonight’s the night I’m gonna make it happen!
Tonight, I’m hosting ‘SNL’ for yooooouuuu!
‘Cause even though I’ve been away a while now
I still know Camera 1 from Camera 2.”

[ she erroneously faces Camera 2, then turns to face Camera 1 ] [ cast members appear behind Kristen and dance ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
And I’m back inside it!
I’m about to start the show, and I hope you like it!

Tonight’s the night I’m back here where I started
I know this place like the back of my own hand.”

[ she looks at the back of her hand ]

Oh, that’s weird.

[ singing ]“So come with me, let’s take a tour of backstage.
I’ll introduce you to all of my closest friends.”

[ she passes through the audience to reach Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, and Vanessa Bayer ]

Kristen Wiig: “Oh, look, it’s Kenan…!”

Bill Hader: Bill!

Kristen Wiig: “And Bobby…”

Jason Sudeikis: Jason.

Kristen Wiig: “And don’t forget Will Ferrell!”

Vanessa Bayer: Sure!

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“Come with me-ee! And see-ee!
I worked her for a while
So I know! Where to go! In the studioooo!!”

[ she attempts to push a door open ]

Kristen Wiig: Is this door locked?

Jason Sudeikis: Of course, it is. Yeah. It’s a Fire Door. It’s always locked.

Kristen Wiig: Oh. Yeah… yeah, I knew that. Yeah. I used to work here!

[ she laughs and continues down a back hall ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]”I’m so excited!And I’m back inside it!And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know… where stuff is!Where stuff is!”

[ she reaches a Janitor’s door ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, look! It’s my dressing room! Cool! [ she opens the door to reveal Maya Rudolph making out with Jonah Hill ] Oh, my God! Maya! Jonah! What are you guys doing?!

Maya Rudolph: Well, what does it LOOK like we’re doing?!

Jonah Hill: We’re trying to make a baby!

Kristen Wiig: But… you’re already pregnant.

[ Maya and Jonah look dow at her belly and high-five one another ]

Together: IT WORKED!!

[ Kristen continues down the hall ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
But I’m getting frightened!
All the hallways look the same, and I don’t like it.”

[ Kenan Thompson appears ]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, Kristen!

[ Kristen zaps him with a taser ]

Kenan Thompson: Owwwww!! Why’d you taze me?!

Kristen Wiig: Sorry! I got scared!

Kenan Thompson: I was just coming to give you a hug.

[ he extends his arms, as she zaps him again ]

Kristen Wiig: I’m sorry! I’m REALLY scared! Don’t be mad! I’m sorry!

[ Kristen zaps him again, then walks over to a fake Abraham Lincoln chatting with showgirls across the hall ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, I LOVED you in “Lincoln”, by the way! You were great!

[ Kristen continues down the hall ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, my gosh… this is harder than I thought…

[ she runs into Fred Armisen ]

Kristen Wiig: Fred! Fred!

Fred Armisen: Oh, my God! I’m so happy to see you! Can I borrow $5,000?

Kristen Wiig: Fred, I’m in the middle of a monologue.

Fred Armisen: Wha…? [ he notices the camera ] Oh! uhhh… $2,000?

Kristen Wiig: Yeah. Fine. That’s fine.

Fred Armisen: Great! Thanks!

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
I’m just a little misguided…”

[ she runs into Lorne Michaels ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, my gosh! Lorne! Lorne, I feel like I don’t know where ANYTHING is any more. And someone told me if I screw up the monologue, that I can never host again.

Lorne Michaels: Nonsense! You’re doing GREAT!

Kristen Wiig: Okay! Thanks, Lorne, thank you!

[ she kisses Lorne on the cheek and runs back toward Home Base ]

Lorne Michaels: [ looking over ] Did you tell Kristen that?

[ reveal Gilly ]

Gilly: [ smiling mischieviously ] What?

Lorne Michaels: Gillyyyyy.

Gilly: Uh-huh!

Lorne Michaels: Gilly.

Gilly: Sorry, Boss!

[ return to Kristen approaching Home Base, the cast surrounding her in two lines ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
And I just can’t hide it!
And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know… I’m back home!
I’m back home!

I’m so excited!
We’re reunited!
And we have, we have, we have, we have, we have… a great show!
A great show!”

[ confetti pours down ]

Kristen Wiig: Thank you SO much! we have a GREAT show! Vampire Weekend is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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