SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: Kristen Wiig’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 20

12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend

Kristen Wiig’s Monologue

…..Kristen Wiig…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Jonah Hill
Abraham Lincoln…..John Solomon
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Kristen Wiig!

[ the audience cheers enthusiastically, as Kristen takes it all in and begins clapping along with them ]

Kristen Wiig: Why am I clapping? [ she laughs ] Oh, my gosh! WOW! Okay! It’s SO amazing to be back home HOSTING “SNL”! Um — Even though I left the show only 11 months and 30 days ago… it really feels like it’s been a year. Uh, you know… The show was a lot different back then. I was a lot different back then. Do we have a photo of that…?

[ reveal photo of modern-era David Spade ]

Kristen Wiig: So embarrassing! I can’t beleive I used to wear my ears that way. Um — But even though things have changed around here, I am still SO happy to be home. Because, tonight… [ music begins to play ] Tonight is a special night.

[ singing ]“Tonight’s the night I’m gonna make it happen!
Tonight, I’m hosting ‘SNL’ for yooooouuuu!
‘Cause even though I’ve been away a while now
I still know Camera 1 from Camera 2.”

[ she erroneously faces Camera 2, then turns to face Camera 1 ] [ cast members appear behind Kristen and dance ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
And I’m back inside it!
I’m about to start the show, and I hope you like it!

Tonight’s the night I’m back here where I started
I know this place like the back of my own hand.”

[ she looks at the back of her hand ]

Oh, that’s weird.

[ singing ]“So come with me, let’s take a tour of backstage.
I’ll introduce you to all of my closest friends.”

[ she passes through the audience to reach Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, and Vanessa Bayer ]

Kristen Wiig: “Oh, look, it’s Kenan…!”

Bill Hader: Bill!

Kristen Wiig: “And Bobby…”

Jason Sudeikis: Jason.

Kristen Wiig: “And don’t forget Will Ferrell!”

Vanessa Bayer: Sure!

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“Come with me-ee! And see-ee!
I worked her for a while
So I know! Where to go! In the studioooo!!”

[ she attempts to push a door open ]

Kristen Wiig: Is this door locked?

Jason Sudeikis: Of course, it is. Yeah. It’s a Fire Door. It’s always locked.

Kristen Wiig: Oh. Yeah… yeah, I knew that. Yeah. I used to work here!

[ she laughs and continues down a back hall ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]”I’m so excited!And I’m back inside it!And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know… where stuff is!Where stuff is!”

[ she reaches a Janitor’s door ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, look! It’s my dressing room! Cool! [ she opens the door to reveal Maya Rudolph making out with Jonah Hill ] Oh, my God! Maya! Jonah! What are you guys doing?!

Maya Rudolph: Well, what does it LOOK like we’re doing?!

Jonah Hill: We’re trying to make a baby!

Kristen Wiig: But… you’re already pregnant.

[ Maya and Jonah look dow at her belly and high-five one another ]

Together: IT WORKED!!

[ Kristen continues down the hall ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
But I’m getting frightened!
All the hallways look the same, and I don’t like it.”

[ Kenan Thompson appears ]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, Kristen!

[ Kristen zaps him with a taser ]

Kenan Thompson: Owwwww!! Why’d you taze me?!

Kristen Wiig: Sorry! I got scared!

Kenan Thompson: I was just coming to give you a hug.

[ he extends his arms, as she zaps him again ]

Kristen Wiig: I’m sorry! I’m REALLY scared! Don’t be mad! I’m sorry!

[ Kristen zaps him again, then walks over to a fake Abraham Lincoln chatting with showgirls across the hall ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, I LOVED you in “Lincoln”, by the way! You were great!

[ Kristen continues down the hall ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, my gosh… this is harder than I thought…

[ she runs into Fred Armisen ]

Kristen Wiig: Fred! Fred!

Fred Armisen: Oh, my God! I’m so happy to see you! Can I borrow $5,000?

Kristen Wiig: Fred, I’m in the middle of a monologue.

Fred Armisen: Wha…? [ he notices the camera ] Oh! uhhh… $2,000?

Kristen Wiig: Yeah. Fine. That’s fine.

Fred Armisen: Great! Thanks!

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
I’m just a little misguided…”

[ she runs into Lorne Michaels ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, my gosh! Lorne! Lorne, I feel like I don’t know where ANYTHING is any more. And someone told me if I screw up the monologue, that I can never host again.

Lorne Michaels: Nonsense! You’re doing GREAT!

Kristen Wiig: Okay! Thanks, Lorne, thank you!

[ she kisses Lorne on the cheek and runs back toward Home Base ]

Lorne Michaels: [ looking over ] Did you tell Kristen that?

[ reveal Gilly ]

Gilly: [ smiling mischieviously ] What?

Lorne Michaels: Gillyyyyy.

Gilly: Uh-huh!

Lorne Michaels: Gilly.

Gilly: Sorry, Boss!

[ return to Kristen approaching Home Base, the cast surrounding her in two lines ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
And I just can’t hide it!
And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know… I’m back home!
I’m back home!

I’m so excited!
We’re reunited!
And we have, we have, we have, we have, we have… a great show!
A great show!”

[ confetti pours down ]

Kristen Wiig: Thank you SO much! we have a GREAT show! Vampire Weekend is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

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