SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 05/18/13: Bengo F#*@ Yourself



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 21




















12u: Ben Affleck / Kanye West

Bengo F#*@ Yourself

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad/Ben Affleck…..Fred Armisen
Hollywood Executive…..Bill Hader
Secretary…..Vanessa Bayer
Director…..Bobby Moynihan
Sound Man/Himself…..Ben Affleck

Announcer: [ over Iranian flag ] And now, a message from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

[ dissolve to Ahmadinejad, with assistance from a translator voiceover ]

V/O: Good evening. This year, America’s Hollywood released a film titled “Argo”. This film was rich with lies and falsehoods. Despite Iranian protests, “Argo” was showered with awards and hailed as a triumph. This film left me with no choice. And today, I’m happy to announce I’ve produced a film in response. It tells the story of the fabricator Ben Affleck, and how he tricked Hollywood into making his film. I’m also happy to announce that I play the role of Ben Affleck. Enjoy this HBO: First Look.

[ cut to “HBO: First Look” graphics, and movie poster ]

Announcer: Tonight on “HBO: First Look”: It’s the new Iranian film “Bengo F#*@ Yourself”, with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as Ben Affleck.

[ dissolve to Hollywood ]

Hollywood Executive: Ha ha haaaa! I’m a Hollywood executive! What is it, Secretary?

Secretary: Ben Affleck is here to see you.

Hollywood Executive: Let him in!

[ Mahmoud as Ben Affleck enters ]

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” I’m Ben Affleck! Here, I brought you some baked beef, bro!

Hollywood Executive: Ah, yes! These are popular in your native city of Boston! So… tell me about your film.

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” It is a film about a CIA operation. But I must warn you: It’s ENTIRELY made up!

Hollywood Executive: Why would I finance a film that is based on fabrication?

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” Because you are a Hollywood Jew who only cares for PROFITS!

Hollywood Executive: Excellent point!

“Ben Affleck”: YOU awhhh!

[ they shake hands and pose for the camera ]

[ cut to Director testimonial, with translator voiceover ]

V/O: Mahoud was cast because he is a great actor, not because he is President. Yes, it is true he has to say “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd” before each line, to find the Boston accent… but that only speaks to his committment.

[ cut to movie still ]

Announcer: In this next scene, we see Mahmoud A as Ben Affleck have a heated exchange with his sound man — played by Ben Affleck!

[ cut to scene ]

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” Where’s my sound man?!

[ Sound man steps forward ]

Sound Man: What can I do for you, Mr. Ben Affleck?

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” It is VERY important to me that you record all the lines clearly, even though each one is FULL of lies! Okay, I’m gonna do the next scene SHIRTLESS, because I love my body! You understand me, BRO?! [ the real Affleck stifles a laugh ] You understand me, BRO?!

Sound Man: Uh, yes! [ he laughs ] I understand. But I have to ask: How do you justify making a film that you know to be COMPLETELY untrue?

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” Uh — It doesn’t matter if it’s true or untrue, Bro. All that matters is: Money in my pockets!

[ cut to Ben Affleck testimonial ]

Ben Affleck: Why would I agree to appear in this movie? Well, to be honest, I’ve been long looking to appear in a movie worse than “Gigli”. [ the audience applauds wildly ] And as soon as I read this script, I knew I found it!

[ cut to movie still ]

Announcer: Here’s a sneal peak at the climactic last scene of the film, where Affleck wins his Oscar.

[ cut to scene ]

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” I’d like to thank the Academy, as well as the Elders of Zion, for this awahd! Tonight we celebrate that which is not true! Marriage is WORK! Good night!

[ cut to movie poster ]

[ fade ]

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