Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 21
Girth Brooks…..Ben Affleck
[ open on Brookie and her friend posing for the camera ]
Together: The finest… Herman’s Handbags!
Friend: All the ex-scoosiveness of a high societal woman!
Brookie: You can be CEO of Dreams Come True!
Together: With Herman’s Handbags!
Brookie: Hi. We still aren’t porn stars any more. I’m Brookie.
Friend: And I’m in Witness Protection.
Brookie: And we’re not porn stars any more. But that doesn’t mean we don’t like…
Together: Making the big splaaaaaash![ cowboy straddles past on a hanging rope ]
Cowboy: Did someone say “How’s it hangin’?”
Together: No… No, not yet… No…
Cowboy: Not now? Oh, alright. Cool.[ he swings back ]
Brookie: Other handbags have too many zippers. Sorry, Charo!
Friend: I don’t have enough hands!
Brookie: Herman’s is leather, and it’s ten thousand dollars! Plus: it’s Louie Vittooooon!
Friend: And it’s perfect! For occasions like:
Friend: Business Lunch!
Friend: Caesarian Sections!
Brookie: And eating breakfast off Tiffany!
Friend: [ pointing ] I guarantee it! You’ll feel like you’ve been taken out on a decadent shrimp dinner!
Brookie: You’ll feel like… you’re spinning on a… golden weiner!
Friend: You’ll feel like you discovered a whole new world! Like Christopher Cumbus.
Brookie: Plus: You can put all your stuff in it! Like… What’s that thing you open, and you put your money in it…?
Brookie: No… No, like when you want to walk around with it…?
Brookie: A wallet.
Friend: Oh, yeah — a wallet![ cowboy straddles past on a hanging rope ]
Cowboy: Did someone say… “Helloooooo!! How’s it hangin’?”
Together: No, not yet…
Cowboy: Not yet?
Friend: Not yet.
Cowboy: Oh, alright. Cool.[ he swings back ]
Together: With Herman’s Handbags!
Friend: One time, I thought I banged E.T. But it was just an old Chinese man on a bike. I was the one phoning home. Ask for a brand new Herman’s!
Brookie: I fell off a really steep boner, and banged my head. I had to keep a bag of ice on my head for a week. I wish it was a Herman’s bag!
Friend: One time I got banged through a glass ceiling. I changed EVERYTHING for women. Turns out Im a feminist. Thanks, Herman’s!
Brookie: One of my eyes doesnt work. It got sucked out by a BUTT! But… I don’t need two eyes to see the luxury of Herman’s!
Friend: One time, I got banged up to heaven. Then a bunch of angels banged me back to Earth. Thanks, miracles!
Brookie: Hey! Remember magazines, how they’re just like… [ she mimes flipping the pages of a magazine ] [ cowboy straddles past on a hanging rope ]
Cowboy: Did someone say “How’s it hangin’?” [ he swings back off-screen ]
Friend: Oh, yeah…
Friend: Where’d he go…?
Cowboy: Oh. Now?
Friend: Come on.
Brookie: Here.[ cowboy returns ]
Cowboy: Well, hello there! My name is… Girth Brooks. And I’ll tell you what — I know a thing or two about sex. ‘Cause I got the biggest man-jiggles in the biz! My pants should say “Snickers” on ’em. ‘Cause they’re packed full of nuts and they always satisfy! So… so, trust me. If you’re looking for a killer sack… look no further… than… Herpes!
Cowboy: Do you know what Herpes feels like? It feels like a shotgun blast to the side of your johnson!
Together: No… no…
Cowboy: It feels like gettin’ FIRE ANTS diggin’ up in your TAINT, and you gotta… [ he mimes scratching ]
Together: No, no… it’s not Herpes! Herman’s!
Cowboy: So I just want to say to the pediatrician who told my mama I was deformed: Yeah! I’m in da-form of a guy with AWESOME nuts!
Brookie: No, no… Yuo gotta stay on-topic. Yeah, we’re trying to sell this ad and send it to Herman’s to get free handbags…
Together: From Hermannnnn’s!
Cowboy: Oh, right. That’s the plan![ they all try desperately to wink at the camera ]
Cowboy: So, for your next special occasion, give that little girl what she really wants:
Friend: Your whole heand in…
Cowboy: Herpes Handbags! 1 out of every 4 people has it — and so should YOU! And you can call all your old girlfriends and tell them, “Well, hey, guess what! I GOT HERPES!!”
Together: With Herman’s Handbags…[ cut to title card ] [ fade ]