SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 05/18/13: Hermes Handbags

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 21

12u: Ben Affleck / Kanye West

Hermes Handbags

Brookie…..Vanessa Bayer
Friend…..Cecily Strong
Girth Brooks…..Ben Affleck

[ open on Brookie and her friend posing for the camera ]

Brookie: Decadence!

Friend: Extravagance!

Brookie: Suh-fistication!

Friend: Sumptuousness!

Together: The finest… Herman’s Handbags!

Friend: All the ex-scoosiveness of a high societal woman!

Brookie: You can be CEO of Dreams Come True!

Together: With Herman’s Handbags!

Brookie: Hi. We still aren’t porn stars any more. I’m Brookie.

Friend: And I’m in Witness Protection.

Brookie: And we’re not porn stars any more. But that doesn’t mean we don’t like…

Together: Making the big splaaaaaash!

[ cowboy straddles past on a hanging rope ]

Cowboy: Did someone say “How’s it hangin’?”

Together: No… No, not yet… No…

Cowboy: Not now? Oh, alright. Cool.

[ he swings back ]

Brookie: Other handbags have too many zippers. Sorry, Charo!

Friend: I don’t have enough hands!

Brookie: Herman’s is leather, and it’s ten thousand dollars! Plus: it’s Louie Vittooooon!

Friend: And it’s perfect! For occasions like:

Brookie: Everyday!

Friend: Business Lunch!

Brookie: Carrying!

Friend: Caesarian Sections!

Brookie: And eating breakfast off Tiffany!

Friend: [ pointing ] I guarantee it! You’ll feel like you’ve been taken out on a decadent shrimp dinner!

Brookie: You’ll feel like… you’re spinning on a… golden weiner!

Friend: You’ll feel like you discovered a whole new world! Like Christopher Cumbus.

Brookie: Plus: You can put all your stuff in it! Like… What’s that thing you open, and you put your money in it…?

Friend: Mailbox.

Brookie: No… No, like when you want to walk around with it…?

Friend: Jar!

Brookie: A wallet.

Friend: Oh, yeah — a wallet!

[ cowboy straddles past on a hanging rope ]

Cowboy: Did someone say… “Helloooooo!! How’s it hangin’?”

Together: No, not yet…

Cowboy: Not yet?

Friend: Not yet.

Cowboy: Oh, alright. Cool.

[ he swings back ]

Together: With Herman’s Handbags!

Friend: One time, I thought I banged E.T. But it was just an old Chinese man on a bike. I was the one phoning home. Ask for a brand new Herman’s!

Brookie: I fell off a really steep boner, and banged my head. I had to keep a bag of ice on my head for a week. I wish it was a Herman’s bag!

Friend: One time I got banged through a glass ceiling. I changed EVERYTHING for women. Turns out I’m a feminist. Thanks, Herman’s!

Brookie: One of my eyes doesn’t work. It got sucked out by a BUTT! But… I don’t need two eyes to see the luxury of Herman’s!

Friend: One time, I got banged up to heaven. Then a bunch of angels banged me back to Earth. Thanks, miracles!

Brookie: Hey! Remember magazines, how they’re just like… [ she mimes flipping the pages of a magazine ] [ cowboy straddles past on a hanging rope ]

Cowboy: Did someone say “How’s it hangin’?” [ he swings back off-screen ]

Friend: Oh, yeah…

Brookie: Wait…

Friend: Where’d he go…?

Cowboy: Oh. Now?

Friend: Come on.

Brookie: Here.

[ cowboy returns ]

Cowboy: Well, hello there! My name is… Girth Brooks. And I’ll tell you what — I know a thing or two about sex. ‘Cause I got the biggest man-jiggles in the biz! My pants should say “Snickers” on ’em. ‘Cause they’re packed full of nuts and they always satisfy! So… so, trust me. If you’re looking for a killer sack… look no further… than… Herpes!

Together: No…

Cowboy: Do you know what Herpes feels like? It feels like a shotgun blast to the side of your johnson!

Together: No… no…

Cowboy: It feels like gettin’ FIRE ANTS diggin’ up in your TAINT, and you gotta… [ he mimes scratching ]

Together: No, no… it’s not Herpes! Herman’s!

Cowboy: So I just want to say to the pediatrician who told my mama I was deformed: Yeah! I’m in da-form of a guy with AWESOME nuts!

Brookie: No, no… Yuo gotta stay on-topic. Yeah, we’re trying to sell this ad and send it to Herman’s to get free handbags…

Together: From Hermannnnn’s!

Cowboy: Oh, right. That’s the plan!

[ they all try desperately to wink at the camera ]

Cowboy: So, for your next special occasion, give that little girl what she really wants:

Brookie: Herman’s!

Friend: Your whole heand in…

Cowboy: Herpes Handbags! 1 out of every 4 people has it — and so should YOU! And you can call all your old girlfriends and tell them, “Well, hey, guess what! I GOT HERPES!!”

Together: With Herman’s Handbags…

[ cut to title card ] [ fade ]

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