SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 05/18/13: Hermes Handbags


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 21

12u: Ben Affleck / Kanye West

Hermes Handbags

Brookie…..Vanessa Bayer
Friend…..Cecily Strong
Girth Brooks…..Ben Affleck

[ open on Brookie and her friend posing for the camera ]

Brookie: Decadence!

Friend: Extravagance!

Brookie: Suh-fistication!

Friend: Sumptuousness!

Together: The finest… Herman’s Handbags!

Friend: All the ex-scoosiveness of a high societal woman!

Brookie: You can be CEO of Dreams Come True!

Together: With Herman’s Handbags!

Brookie: Hi. We still aren’t porn stars any more. I’m Brookie.

Friend: And I’m in Witness Protection.

Brookie: And we’re not porn stars any more. But that doesn’t mean we don’t like…

Together: Making the big splaaaaaash!

[ cowboy straddles past on a hanging rope ]

Cowboy: Did someone say “How’s it hangin’?”

Together: No… No, not yet… No…

Cowboy: Not now? Oh, alright. Cool.

[ he swings back ]

Brookie: Other handbags have too many zippers. Sorry, Charo!

Friend: I don’t have enough hands!

Brookie: Herman’s is leather, and it’s ten thousand dollars! Plus: it’s Louie Vittooooon!

Friend: And it’s perfect! For occasions like:

Brookie: Everyday!

Friend: Business Lunch!

Brookie: Carrying!

Friend: Caesarian Sections!

Brookie: And eating breakfast off Tiffany!

Friend: [ pointing ] I guarantee it! You’ll feel like you’ve been taken out on a decadent shrimp dinner!

Brookie: You’ll feel like… you’re spinning on a… golden weiner!

Friend: You’ll feel like you discovered a whole new world! Like Christopher Cumbus.

Brookie: Plus: You can put all your stuff in it! Like… What’s that thing you open, and you put your money in it…?

Friend: Mailbox.

Brookie: No… No, like when you want to walk around with it…?

Friend: Jar!

Brookie: A wallet.

Friend: Oh, yeah — a wallet!

[ cowboy straddles past on a hanging rope ]

Cowboy: Did someone say… “Helloooooo!! How’s it hangin’?”

Together: No, not yet…

Cowboy: Not yet?

Friend: Not yet.

Cowboy: Oh, alright. Cool.

[ he swings back ]

Together: With Herman’s Handbags!

Friend: One time, I thought I banged E.T. But it was just an old Chinese man on a bike. I was the one phoning home. Ask for a brand new Herman’s!

Brookie: I fell off a really steep boner, and banged my head. I had to keep a bag of ice on my head for a week. I wish it was a Herman’s bag!

Friend: One time I got banged through a glass ceiling. I changed EVERYTHING for women. Turns out I’m a feminist. Thanks, Herman’s!

Brookie: One of my eyes doesn’t work. It got sucked out by a BUTT! But… I don’t need two eyes to see the luxury of Herman’s!

Friend: One time, I got banged up to heaven. Then a bunch of angels banged me back to Earth. Thanks, miracles!

Brookie: Hey! Remember magazines, how they’re just like… [ she mimes flipping the pages of a magazine ] [ cowboy straddles past on a hanging rope ]

Cowboy: Did someone say “How’s it hangin’?” [ he swings back off-screen ]

Friend: Oh, yeah…

Brookie: Wait…

Friend: Where’d he go…?

Cowboy: Oh. Now?

Friend: Come on.

Brookie: Here.

[ cowboy returns ]

Cowboy: Well, hello there! My name is… Girth Brooks. And I’ll tell you what — I know a thing or two about sex. ‘Cause I got the biggest man-jiggles in the biz! My pants should say “Snickers” on ’em. ‘Cause they’re packed full of nuts and they always satisfy! So… so, trust me. If you’re looking for a killer sack… look no further… than… Herpes!

Together: No…

Cowboy: Do you know what Herpes feels like? It feels like a shotgun blast to the side of your johnson!

Together: No… no…

Cowboy: It feels like gettin’ FIRE ANTS diggin’ up in your TAINT, and you gotta… [ he mimes scratching ]

Together: No, no… it’s not Herpes! Herman’s!

Cowboy: So I just want to say to the pediatrician who told my mama I was deformed: Yeah! I’m in da-form of a guy with AWESOME nuts!

Brookie: No, no… Yuo gotta stay on-topic. Yeah, we’re trying to sell this ad and send it to Herman’s to get free handbags…

Together: From Hermannnnn’s!

Cowboy: Oh, right. That’s the plan!

[ they all try desperately to wink at the camera ]

Cowboy: So, for your next special occasion, give that little girl what she really wants:

Brookie: Herman’s!

Friend: Your whole heand in…

Cowboy: Herpes Handbags! 1 out of every 4 people has it — and so should YOU! And you can call all your old girlfriends and tell them, “Well, hey, guess what! I GOT HERPES!!”

Together: With Herman’s Handbags…

[ cut to title card ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 4 / 5. Vote count: 2

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x