Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 21
Ben Affleck’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Ben Affleck!
Ben Affleck: Thank you! Thank you! It is SO great to be back hosting “SNL”! It’s especially great, because this is my FIFTH time hosting! [ the audience cheers wildly ] You know, I have to say — watching Justin Timberlake join the Five-Timers Club just a few months ago… got me very excited! You know? I mean, Steve Martin showed up. Tom Hanks. Paul Simon. So I’m like, “Who’s gonna show up when I do it?”[ suddenly, Bobby Moynihan appears dressed in a 5 t-shirt ]
Bobby Moynihan: Hey, Ben.
Ben Affleck: Hi, Bobby. What — What are you doing here?
Bobby Moynihan: I just wanted to welcome you to the Five-Timers Club.
Ben Affleck: Are there any actual members of the Five-Timers Club here?
Bobby Moynihan: Oh — They were just here for Justin Timberlake, so… so, NO. But if you’d like, I would be happy to sing for you the “Welcome to the Five-Timers Club” song! [ he chuckles nervously ]
Ben Affleck: [ he shrugs ] Uh… okay, sure.
Bobby Moynihan: [ he gasps ] Oh.
Ben Affleck: Oh, what?
Bobby Moynihan: I just thought you would say, “No.”
Ben Affleck: So there is no song?
Bobby Moynihan: [ he shifts his eyes, then sings ] “Five times… Each one better than the last…”
Ben Affleck: No. No, no, no…
Bobby Moynihan: Thanks, man. If you at least want this 5 t-shirt…? [ he laughs nervously ]
Ben Affleck: Uhhhh — I guess that’s kind of cool, sure.
Bobby Moynihan: [ he gasps ] Oh. I’m just not wearing anything underneath it.
Ben Affleck: Thanks, Bobby.
Bobby Moynihan: You’re welcome![ Bobby exits ]
Ben Affleck: Nice guy. You know what? It’s fine! Because I still had a really exciting year. I directed “Argo”, which won an Oscar for Best Picture. [ the audience cheers wildly ] And I decided that, while winning an Oscar was a HUGE thrill… giving an Oscar acceptance speech is COMPLETELY terrifying. And, uh — You may remember, in my speech, I thanked my wife. And I also said that the essence of marriage is work. And we’ve worked together on our marriage. And, uh, some uncharitable souls on the Internet put that to mean that our marriage is some kind of “manual labor.” That’s not — No, that’s not it. You know, you define what’s important to you by what you dedicate your time to. And my wife knew EXACTLY what I meant. And so, to disprove the naysayers, I asked her to come here tonight. [ he glances off-stage ] Jen?
Jennifer Garner: Hi, honey!
Ben Affleck: So, Jen, would you… would you, just now, DISPEL this notion and TELL the people what I meant by: “Marriage is work”?
Jennifer Garner: Yes, I will! Well, yeah, it’s a way that we talk privately about how committed we are to our marriage.
Ben Affleck: Yes. Right! See that?
Jennifer Garner: I’m not sure why you have to share it to a million people, but… [ she laughs]
Ben Affleck: I mean, but… Our marriage is a work of LOVE! What would you have called it in a speech?
Jennifer Garner: A GIFT! I would have said, “Thank you to my wife, for our marriage is a GIFT!”
Ben Affleck: Yeah… That’s one way to go. I guess. [ he clears his throat ] Because, you know, it’s… it’s a gift to… to… the WORK of marriage, which you’ve GIFTED me with enormous WORK! To be completely honest.
Jennifer Garner: Well, if we’re gonna be completely honest here, why don’t we just go and mention who DOES all of the work?
Ben Affleck: Uh — That’s TOO “inside”! The people don’t want to HEAR that! You see?
Jennifer Garner: Mmm-hmm.
Ben Affleck: I’ll tell you what, though — I want to tell you how I wish I’d ended that speech. Okay? “I couldn’t do any of the things I do without your support. You’re my angel, my life, and my world.”
Jennifer Garner: [ smiling ] You’re reading that![ she points to a cue card man holding a cue card with those very words written on it ]
Ben Affleck: I mean — Yeah. But, uh, you know. It’s true. I love you.
Jennifer Garner: Thank you! You’re a lot of work![ they kiss passionately, then she exits ]
Ben Affleck: So — As you can see, we’ll be fine! It’s… the EXACT same conversation used to happen with me and Matt Damon all the time. We have a GREAT show for you tonight! The fabulous, great Kanye West is here! Stick around! We’ll be right back!