SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 09/28/13


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 1

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

September 28th, 2013

Tina Fey

Arcade Fire


Aaron Paul

Lorne Michaels


Obama Press ConferenceSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) desperately tries to sell Americans on his Affordable Health Care Act, but most of them seem to love it for all the wrong reasons.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama



Tina Fey’s MonologueSummary: Tina Fey introduces the six new Featured Players, then makes them pay their dues by having them dance behind her while she sings.



AirportSummary: Married couple (Beck Bennett, Kate McKimmon) wait patiently for airline clerks (Taran Killam, Tina Fey) to board more unusual passengers before them.


New Cast Member or Arcade FireSummary: On in-house game show, Tina Fey must tell the difference between “SNL”‘s new cast members and their look-alike counterparts from the indie band Arcade Fire.


E-Meth CigarettesSummary: Meth smokers can smoke anywhere at any time, thanks to their new electronic vapor alternative.


Arcade Fire performs “Reflektor”

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily StrongSummary: Veteran anchorwoman Tina Fey offers advice to new co-anchor Cecily Strong. Stand-up comic Bruce Chandling (Kyle Mooney) free-associates while giving his take on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s UN speech. Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) comments on the new school year with help from Meth Nephew (Aaron Paul).

Recurring Characters: Bruce Chandling, Drunk Uncle.


PBS Cinema ClassicsSummary: Scenes from 1949’s “Unwanted Woman” feature lots of unnecessary focus on stuffed animals.

Used CarsSummary: Rick (Mike O’Brien) of Rick’s Model T’s broadcasts the world’s first used car commercial with a little help from his crazy wife Daisy (Tina Fey).


Arcade Fire performs “Afterlife”

Manolo BlahniksSummary: Vacuous ex-porn stars Brookie (Vanessa Bayer) and her frind (Cecily Strong) submit a commercial for free Manolo Blahniks shoes, with the help of former lesbian porn actress (Tina Fey).

Recurring Characters: Brookie, Friend.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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