Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 1
[ open on exterior, airport ]
[ dissolve to interior, flight counter for Express Air ]
Dave: And good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Flight Number 3-1-4, with service from Chicago to Dallas. We are now ready to begin boarding.
Carol: Please take a look at your boarding passes, and listen for your group to be called before approaching the gate.
[ cut to married couple ]
Wife: What group are we, Honey?
Husband: We’re Group Two. We should be on soon.
[ return to counter ]
Carol: We first want to invite any elderly passengers, or those needing special assistance.
[ a couple of elder people approach the counter and pass through the gate ]
Dave: Alright, we’ll now begin boarding all parents with small children…
[ a family of three passes through ]
Carol: And all children traveling with small parents.
[ a short man and tall boy approach ]
Son: Look, Dad — Plane!
Dad: I’m sorry, he… He loves planes.
[ they pass through the gate ]
Dave: We now invite our One World Alliance members, Diamnd Advantage partners.
[ people pass through the gate ]
Carol: All frequent Flygirls, Air Bud.
[ people pass through the gate ]
Dave: First Class… X-Men: First Class… and X-Men: Business Class.
[ people pass through the gate, as the married couple wait ]
Husband: This is taking a long time.
Wife: Honey, they’re a commercial airline. I think they know what they’re doing.
[ return to the counter ]
Carol: We’d now like to invite all foreign passengers who have ,i>not yet been called… to ignore us any try to board anyway.
Dave: Once again, we’re asking all Brazilian and Italian passengers to begin pushing and shouting and selectively understanding me.
[ a group of foreignors push and shove their way through the gate ]
Dave: We’d now like to welcome travelers who have carry-ons that have NO chance of fitting into the overhead compartment.
[ a traveler saunters forward with a large, oversized piece of luggage ]
Traveler: It’ll fit. Oh, it’ll fit! [ he struggles to squeeze it through the gate door, having to turn it on its side ] Yeah! [ he laughs maniacally at his accomplishment ]
Carol: And, all business travelers — Please board, so you can begin working on graphs.
[ businessmen pass through the gate ]
Dave: Once again: All laptop users, please board now and begin working on those urgently-needed GRAPHS!
Carol: Before we continue, we would like to announce that this is an overbooked flight. If anyone is willing to give up their seat in exchange for the first available flight tomorrow, please approach the desk and explain why your lifestyle permits this.
Dave: And, at this time, we’d like to welcome aboard all farters. Beginning, of course, with our least —
[ a man saunters forward slowly with a huge shit-eating grin on his face and hands over his ticket ]
Dave: Thank you, Sir.
Carol: People who clap when the plane has landed…
[ a clapping woman steps forward with a big smile on her face ]
Carol: We will NOT board you, because what you do is STUPID!
[ the woman continues clapping, nods and walks away ]
Dave: And it looks like we’re just about done with the boarding process.
Husband: Excuse me, you haven’t boarded us yet!
Carol: Oh, my goodness. It looks like you two are absolutely right. It looks like there are two seats left.
Dave: You know what? I’ve actually never been on a plane before.
Carol: Me, either!
Dave: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Carol: Dave, are you inviting me to go to Dallas with you?
Dave: I think I am, Carol. What do you say? [ he holds out his hand ]
Carol: [ she grabs his hand ] Now boarding: All lovers with stars in their eyes.
[ they rush aboard the plane, as the music swells and the clapper and the married couple clap for their love ]
[ fade ]