SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 09/28/13: Used Cars


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Used Cars

Rick…..Mike O’Brien
Daisy…..Tina Fey

[ open on black-and-white stock footage of Model T’s, with SUPER: “Cars For Sale” ] [ dissolve to Rick standing in front of a Model T ]

Rick: Hi there, folks! I’m Rick, from Rick’s Model T’s! Now, a couple of year ago I had a craaaaaaaazy idea to sell cars that are NOT brand new! I’m calling them “Used Cars”, and I decided to tell YOU guys about it using this promotional film. Something I’m going to call… a “Used Car Commercial.” Lots of firsts here today, folks! And I’m charging SO little for these cars, that people think I’m a little LOONY! This here’s my wife Daisy, and she’s almost as BONKERS as I am! [ Daisy slowly steps forward ] Take it from a couple of KOOKS like us — You’re not gonna find a better deal on a used model T! Right, Daisy?

Daisy: We’re so crazy… Not only did we slash prices, but I gave all my babies to the well!

Rick: Whooooooaaaa! Uh… no! Watch, Daisy. The man’s filming us, see? Keep it fun! Listen, folks — You come down and sign the papers, you’ll walk out with a crank in your pocket. That’s right — No cash in signing! We’ve got every brand there is: Model T… So come on down, because these are some FINE automobiles! Tell them, Daisy!

[ Daisy slowly steps forward ]

Daisy: That’s right… One of them took me to the hospital, where they used electricity to fix my thoughts.

Rick: Uhhh…! Okay, Daisy, they’re not good for that! They could take you ANYWHERE!! Hey, folks! You’re not gonna find a better deal on these tin Lizzies! And these suckers are FULLY LOADED! They’ve got EVERYTHING: Seats… Daisy, tell them again about how CRAZY these prices are!

Daisy: I smashed a mirror, ’cause I saw a woman in there that’s CRAZY!!

Rick: Alright… Don’t make me put you back up in the attic, please.

Daisy: Don’t put me up there!!

Rick: Dammit, Daisy! I wish I had a more legitimate treatment option than the attic, but that’s… just where medicine is at.

Daisy: [ whispering ] I think I KILLED that Navejo girl…

Rick: What?! Why is this the first I’m hearing about this?

Daisy: No one will know she’s in our root cellar…

Rick: Uhhhh… uhhh… Yeah! Meanwhile, all of this, on film! Holllllly doodle! So, come on down to Crazy Rick’s Model T’s, and take advantage of these craaaaaaaaazy deals! Alright, Daisy — Give ’em the sign-off!

Daisy: [ waving her arms ] I dug up Daddy, he’s still mad at me!

Rick: Whoooooaaaaa!! Nooooo!! No! It’s… [ he waves his arms ] “Come on down!” [ Daisy waves her arm wide ] Yeah, there you go, Daisy! There!

[ SUPER: “Rick’s Model T’s” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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