SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 09/28/13: Used Cars

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Used Cars

Rick…..Mike O’Brien
Daisy…..Tina Fey

[ open on black-and-white stock footage of Model T’s, with SUPER: “Cars For Sale” ] [ dissolve to Rick standing in front of a Model T ]

Rick: Hi there, folks! I’m Rick, from Rick’s Model T’s! Now, a couple of year ago I had a craaaaaaaazy idea to sell cars that are NOT brand new! I’m calling them “Used Cars”, and I decided to tell YOU guys about it using this promotional film. Something I’m going to call… a “Used Car Commercial.” Lots of firsts here today, folks! And I’m charging SO little for these cars, that people think I’m a little LOONY! This here’s my wife Daisy, and she’s almost as BONKERS as I am! [ Daisy slowly steps forward ] Take it from a couple of KOOKS like us — You’re not gonna find a better deal on a used model T! Right, Daisy?

Daisy: We’re so crazy… Not only did we slash prices, but I gave all my babies to the well!

Rick: Whooooooaaaa! Uh… no! Watch, Daisy. The man’s filming us, see? Keep it fun! Listen, folks — You come down and sign the papers, you’ll walk out with a crank in your pocket. That’s right — No cash in signing! We’ve got every brand there is: Model T… So come on down, because these are some FINE automobiles! Tell them, Daisy!

[ Daisy slowly steps forward ]

Daisy: That’s right… One of them took me to the hospital, where they used electricity to fix my thoughts.

Rick: Uhhh…! Okay, Daisy, they’re not good for that! They could take you ANYWHERE!! Hey, folks! You’re not gonna find a better deal on these tin Lizzies! And these suckers are FULLY LOADED! They’ve got EVERYTHING: Seats… Daisy, tell them again about how CRAZY these prices are!

Daisy: I smashed a mirror, ’cause I saw a woman in there that’s CRAZY!!

Rick: Alright… Don’t make me put you back up in the attic, please.

Daisy: Don’t put me up there!!

Rick: Dammit, Daisy! I wish I had a more legitimate treatment option than the attic, but that’s… just where medicine is at.

Daisy: [ whispering ] I think I KILLED that Navejo girl…

Rick: What?! Why is this the first I’m hearing about this?

Daisy: No one will know she’s in our root cellar…

Rick: Uhhhh… uhhh… Yeah! Meanwhile, all of this, on film! Holllllly doodle! So, come on down to Crazy Rick’s Model T’s, and take advantage of these craaaaaaaaazy deals! Alright, Daisy — Give ’em the sign-off!

Daisy: [ waving her arms ] I dug up Daddy, he’s still mad at me!

Rick: Whoooooaaaaa!! Nooooo!! No! It’s… [ he waves his arms ] “Come on down!” [ Daisy waves her arm wide ] Yeah, there you go, Daisy! There!

[ SUPER: “Rick’s Model T’s” ] [ fade ]

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