Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 1
e-Meth
Meth Smoker #1…..Taran Killam
Meth Smoker #2…..Brooks Wheelan
Meth Smoker #3…..Kate McKinnon
Homeowner…..Kenan Thompson
Jesse Pinkman…..Aaron Paul
[ open on Meth Smoker #1 ]
Meth Smoker #1: Like a lot of people, I love to smoke. But my friends and family always make me go outside to do it. So that’s why I now use… [ he holds up electronic pipe ] e-Meth. It’s crystal meth, but it’s electronic, so it produces vapor instead of smoke. And that means I can ride the ice pony… anywhere I want. [ he puffs and smiles ]
[ cut to Meth Smoker #2 ]
Meth Smoker #2: Smoke is a social thing for me. Without my meth pipe, I don’t know WHAT to do with my hands! [ he twiddles his thumbs ] But now I do know what to do with them: I smoke METH! [ he lights up his pipe, puffs, and chokes ] It’s good!
[ cut to Meth Smoker #3 ]
Meth Smoker #3: Thanks to e-Meth, now I don’t even need to leave the bar to get the sweet shabbu shabbu. Mama can smoke that chunky white crunch anywhere! At the office… [ footage: at the office ] At the grocery store… [ footage: stumbling around the grocery store ] In a bathtub in the middle of the road… [ footage: bathtub in road ] Or facedown in a big ol’ tire. [ footage: facedwon in big tire ]
[ cut to Meth Smoker #2 ]
Meth Smoker #2: And it’s healthier because it doesn’t contain antifreeze. But… it still has that great meth taste.
[ cut to Meth Smoker #1 ]
Meth Smoker #1: e-Meth lets me get totally gakked up on woop chicken, without yellowing my teeth. [ he pulls out a tooth ] See? Perfectly white. [ he holds the tooth to his ear ] What? Hello? This is he.
[ cut to Meth Smoker #2 ]
Meth Smoker #2: Thanks to e-Meth, I can now even smoke inside my favorite restaurant!
Homeowner: Excuse me, Sir? You can’t smoke meth in here.
Meth Smoker #2: [ laughing ] It’s okay — It’s electronic!
Homeowner: I don’t care! You in my LIVING ROOM… and you NEKKID!!
[ the Homeowner chases the half-naked man around his living room ]
Announcer: e-Meth is not for everyone. Talk to your doctor if you experience body rash, face swell, painful death, or fatigue.
[ cut to Jesse Pinkman from “Breaking Bad” ]
Jesse Pinkman: e-Meth. You know it’s good, ’cause it’s blue, BITCH!
[ fade ]
