SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 09/28/13: e-Meth

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire


Meth Smoker #1…..Taran Killam
Meth Smoker #2…..Brooks Wheelan
Meth Smoker #3…..Kate McKinnon
Homeowner…..Kenan Thompson
Jesse Pinkman…..Aaron Paul

[ open on Meth Smoker #1 ]

Meth Smoker #1: Like a lot of people, I love to smoke. But my friends and family always make me go outside to do it. So that’s why I now use… [ he holds up electronic pipe ] e-Meth. It’s crystal meth, but it’s electronic, so it produces vapor instead of smoke. And that means I can ride the ice pony… anywhere I want. [ he puffs and smiles ] [ cut to Meth Smoker #2 ]

Meth Smoker #2: Smoke is a social thing for me. Without my meth pipe, I don’t know WHAT to do with my hands! [ he twiddles his thumbs ] But now I do know what to do with them: I smoke METH! [ he lights up his pipe, puffs, and chokes ] It’s good!

[ cut to Meth Smoker #3 ]

Meth Smoker #3: Thanks to e-Meth, now I don’t even need to leave the bar to get the sweet shabbu shabbu. Mama can smoke that chunky white crunch anywhere! At the office… [ footage: at the office ] At the grocery store… [ footage: stumbling around the grocery store ] In a bathtub in the middle of the road… [ footage: bathtub in road ] Or facedown in a big ol’ tire. [ footage: facedwon in big tire ] [ cut to Meth Smoker #2 ]

Meth Smoker #2: And it’s healthier because it doesn’t contain antifreeze. But… it still has that great meth taste.

[ cut to Meth Smoker #1 ]

Meth Smoker #1: e-Meth lets me get totally gakked up on woop chicken, without yellowing my teeth. [ he pulls out a tooth ] See? Perfectly white. [ he holds the tooth to his ear ] What? Hello? This is he.

[ cut to Meth Smoker #2 ]

Meth Smoker #2: Thanks to e-Meth, I can now even smoke inside my favorite restaurant!

Homeowner: Excuse me, Sir? You can’t smoke meth in here.

Meth Smoker #2: [ laughing ] It’s okay — It’s electronic!

Homeowner: I don’t care! You in my LIVING ROOM… and you NEKKID!!

[ the Homeowner chases the half-naked man around his living room ]

Announcer: e-Meth is not for everyone. Talk to your doctor if you experience body rash, face swell, painful death, or fatigue.

[ cut to Jesse Pinkman from “Breaking Bad” ]

Jesse Pinkman: e-Meth. You know it’s good, ’cause it’s blue, BITCH!

[ fade ]

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