SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 09/28/13: e-Meth

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire


Meth Smoker #1…..Taran Killam
Meth Smoker #2…..Brooks Wheelan
Meth Smoker #3…..Kate McKinnon
Homeowner…..Kenan Thompson
Jesse Pinkman…..Aaron Paul

[ open on Meth Smoker #1 ]

Meth Smoker #1: Like a lot of people, I love to smoke. But my friends and family always make me go outside to do it. So that’s why I now use… [ he holds up electronic pipe ] e-Meth. It’s crystal meth, but it’s electronic, so it produces vapor instead of smoke. And that means I can ride the ice pony… anywhere I want. [ he puffs and smiles ]

[ cut to Meth Smoker #2 ]

Meth Smoker #2: Smoke is a social thing for me. Without my meth pipe, I don’t know WHAT to do with my hands! [ he twiddles his thumbs ] But now I do know what to do with them: I smoke METH! [ he lights up his pipe, puffs, and chokes ] It’s good!

[ cut to Meth Smoker #3 ]

Meth Smoker #3: Thanks to e-Meth, now I don’t even need to leave the bar to get the sweet shabbu shabbu. Mama can smoke that chunky white crunch anywhere! At the office… [ footage: at the office ] At the grocery store… [ footage: stumbling around the grocery store ] In a bathtub in the middle of the road… [ footage: bathtub in road ] Or facedown in a big ol’ tire. [ footage: facedwon in big tire ]

[ cut to Meth Smoker #2 ]

Meth Smoker #2: And it’s healthier because it doesn’t contain antifreeze. But… it still has that great meth taste.

[ cut to Meth Smoker #1 ]

Meth Smoker #1: e-Meth lets me get totally gakked up on woop chicken, without yellowing my teeth. [ he pulls out a tooth ] See? Perfectly white. [ he holds the tooth to his ear ] What? Hello? This is he.

[ cut to Meth Smoker #2 ]

Meth Smoker #2: Thanks to e-Meth, I can now even smoke inside my favorite restaurant!

Homeowner: Excuse me, Sir? You can’t smoke meth in here.

Meth Smoker #2: [ laughing ] It’s okay — It’s electronic!

Homeowner: I don’t care! You in my LIVING ROOM… and you NEKKID!!

[ the Homeowner chases the half-naked man around his living room ]

Announcer: e-Meth is not for everyone. Talk to your doctor if you experience body rash, face swell, painful death, or fatigue.

[ cut to Jesse Pinkman from “Breaking Bad” ]

Jesse Pinkman: e-Meth. You know it’s good, ’cause it’s blue, BITCH!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

One thought on “SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 09/28/13: e-Meth”

  1. As a former ice addict; 14 years clean until 1 year ago. When this first came out I was in rehab and it was too painful to watch. Now I’m dabbling a little I can see the excellent humor that masks the sad truth of the problem. The only way to stop is to cut off all your old contacts and ice friends. While you are around the lifestyle rather than lack of lifestyle; you will relapse.

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