SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 09/28/13: Manolo Blahniks

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Manolo Blahniks

Breckie…..Vanessa Bayer
Friend…..Cecily Strong
Lejean Noween…..Tina Fey

(The two Ex-Porn Stars, Breckie and Her Friend, stand before columns with shoes on them as a fan blows curtains around behind them.)

Brookie: Essquite.

Friend: Endeligance.

Brookie: Stylist.

Friend: Ho Cature.

Both: The Nicest. Manual Blondick’s.

Friend: All the grits and grammar of a high class shoe

Brookie: You’ll feel like you’re walking on cloud nine.

Both: With Manual Blondick’s.

Brookie: Hi, we’re not Porn Stars anymore. I’m Breckie.

Friend: And you can too.

(LeJean Noween is carried on by two female bodybuilders)

Brookie: And we’re not porn stars anymore. (Notices LeJean, Confused.) But that doesn’t mean we don’t have a taste for the…

Both: Finest?

LeJean Noween: Did somebody say shoe let the dogs out?

Breckie and Friend: No no, not yet.

LeJean Noween: Okay. (She is carried off.)

Brookie: Other shoes are flat, and for nurses. See you later, ally larder.

Friend: Good ribbance.

Brookie: Manual Blondick’s are like Dolce GaPandas, but they’re like a million dollars. They’re like Roy Royces for your feet.

Both: (Making a horn honking gesture) Beep Beep. (Breckie’s Friend is a little late on her cue.)

Friend: And they’re perfect for occasions like:

Brookie: (As the caption appears): Solstice.

(The caption reads “Cocktail attire”)

Friend: Cocktail tire.

(The Caption Reads “Black Tie Affair”)

Brookie: Black Guy affairs.

Friend: And your first Amber Alert. I guarantee it. You’ll feel like you’re drinking lobster straight out of the sink.

Brookie: You’ll feel like you’re from Fancier times, like the Gilded Anus.

Friend: You’ll feel like you’re riding in a Glass Blumpkin.

Brookie: Plus you can display them in – What’s that thing you put your stuff in?

Friend: Your Mouth.

Brookie: No, it’s like, in your house.

Friend: A Cage.

Brookie: No, like, a closet

Friend: Right, a Closet.

LeJean Noween: (carried on again) Did somebody say shoe let the dogs out?

Breckie and Friend: No, not yet.

LeJean Noween: (Defensive) Yeah, I know!!

(She is carried off again.)

Breckie and Friend: With Manual Blondicks.

Friend: One time, I got banged in the Statue of Liberty’s head. I feel like I was hearing all of America’s Thoughts. And America was thinking: More Manual Blondicks si-vous-please.

Brookie: I don’t have a butt anymore. I got banged in it so hard, the doctors had to amputate. I woke from surgery like “what da heck?”

Friend: I thought I got banged into a solar eclipse. But I was really just locked in a trunk looking through the keyhole. And I was like, “Either way.”

Brookie: I got banged by some rapping gerbils in the back of a Kia. I think some of them were people. You live and you learn. Hey, remember Old Country Buffet?

Both: (pretending, poorly, to be Old Women) Get out of here, you girls…no sex in your short shirts…(they drift into incomprehensible muttering)

LeJean Noween: (Being carried past frame) Did Someone say Shoe let the Dogs out?

Both: Where’d…where’d she go? (They carry her back in) Okay, here, okay yeah here.

(The bodybuilders put her down and exit.)

LeJean Noween: Hi, I’m LeJean Noween. I’m the queen of porn without penises, and the author of Rock Paper Scissoring Volumes I, II and IV. I’ve never seen a man’s genitals but I can still recognize good junk. That’s why I reach for Manilow’s Blankets. They’re Blankets from Barry Manilow. They’re made from his hair or somethin’, I dunno!

Brookie: Hey, stay on track, we’re trying to do this add and get free shoes from

Both girls: Manual Blondick’s.

LeJean Noween: Oh right, the plan. (They all wink, by which I mean blink, at the camera) So wear the dumb shoes, cause if you’re like me and you’ve got carpet funnel syndrome in your feet from years of toe-blasting, you’re gonna wanna wrap those puppies up in some Manilow’s blankets. And to my 8th Grade Gym Teacher Miss Gomez, bet you’re kicking’ yourself now for dumping me! PS, I saw you on “House Hunters”, you picked the wrong house Bitch! So In collision, buy some Manilow’s blankets, because everything’s better with:

Brookie: Great Style!

Friend: (Simultaneously) Butt to Butt.

All Three: With Manual Blondicks!

(Lejean thrusts her arms over her head.)

Submitted by: Ted Zoldan

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