SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 09/28/13: Manolo Blahniks


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Manolo Blahniks

Breckie…..Vanessa Bayer
Friend…..Cecily Strong
Lejean Noween…..Tina Fey

(The two Ex-Porn Stars, Breckie and Her Friend, stand before columns with shoes on them as a fan blows curtains around behind them.)

Brookie: Essquite.

Friend: Endeligance.

Brookie: Stylist.

Friend: Ho Cature.

Both: The Nicest. Manual Blondick’s.

Friend: All the grits and grammar of a high class shoe

Brookie: You’ll feel like you’re walking on cloud nine.

Both: With Manual Blondick’s.

Brookie: Hi, we’re not Porn Stars anymore. I’m Breckie.

Friend: And you can too.

(LeJean Noween is carried on by two female bodybuilders)

Brookie: And we’re not porn stars anymore. (Notices LeJean, Confused.) But that doesn’t mean we don’t have a taste for the…

Both: Finest?

LeJean Noween: Did somebody say shoe let the dogs out?

Breckie and Friend: No no, not yet.

LeJean Noween: Okay. (She is carried off.)

Brookie: Other shoes are flat, and for nurses. See you later, ally larder.

Friend: Good ribbance.

Brookie: Manual Blondick’s are like Dolce GaPandas, but they’re like a million dollars. They’re like Roy Royces for your feet.

Both: (Making a horn honking gesture) Beep Beep. (Breckie’s Friend is a little late on her cue.)

Friend: And they’re perfect for occasions like:

Brookie: (As the caption appears): Solstice.

(The caption reads “Cocktail attire”)

Friend: Cocktail tire.

(The Caption Reads “Black Tie Affair”)

Brookie: Black Guy affairs.

Friend: And your first Amber Alert. I guarantee it. You’ll feel like you’re drinking lobster straight out of the sink.

Brookie: You’ll feel like you’re from Fancier times, like the Gilded Anus.

Friend: You’ll feel like you’re riding in a Glass Blumpkin.

Brookie: Plus you can display them in – What’s that thing you put your stuff in?

Friend: Your Mouth.

Brookie: No, it’s like, in your house.

Friend: A Cage.

Brookie: No, like, a closet

Friend: Right, a Closet.

LeJean Noween: (carried on again) Did somebody say shoe let the dogs out?

Breckie and Friend: No, not yet.

LeJean Noween: (Defensive) Yeah, I know!!

(She is carried off again.)

Breckie and Friend: With Manual Blondicks.

Friend: One time, I got banged in the Statue of Liberty’s head. I feel like I was hearing all of America’s Thoughts. And America was thinking: More Manual Blondicks si-vous-please.

Brookie: I don’t have a butt anymore. I got banged in it so hard, the doctors had to amputate. I woke from surgery like “what da heck?”

Friend: I thought I got banged into a solar eclipse. But I was really just locked in a trunk looking through the keyhole. And I was like, “Either way.”

Brookie: I got banged by some rapping gerbils in the back of a Kia. I think some of them were people. You live and you learn. Hey, remember Old Country Buffet?

Both: (pretending, poorly, to be Old Women) Get out of here, you girls…no sex in your short shirts…(they drift into incomprehensible muttering)

LeJean Noween: (Being carried past frame) Did Someone say Shoe let the Dogs out?

Both: Where’d…where’d she go? (They carry her back in) Okay, here, okay yeah here.

(The bodybuilders put her down and exit.)

LeJean Noween: Hi, I’m LeJean Noween. I’m the queen of porn without penises, and the author of Rock Paper Scissoring Volumes I, II and IV. I’ve never seen a man’s genitals but I can still recognize good junk. That’s why I reach for Manilow’s Blankets. They’re Blankets from Barry Manilow. They’re made from his hair or somethin’, I dunno!

Brookie: Hey, stay on track, we’re trying to do this add and get free shoes from

Both girls: Manual Blondick’s.

LeJean Noween: Oh right, the plan. (They all wink, by which I mean blink, at the camera) So wear the dumb shoes, cause if you’re like me and you’ve got carpet funnel syndrome in your feet from years of toe-blasting, you’re gonna wanna wrap those puppies up in some Manilow’s blankets. And to my 8th Grade Gym Teacher Miss Gomez, bet you’re kicking’ yourself now for dumping me! PS, I saw you on “House Hunters”, you picked the wrong house Bitch! So In collision, buy some Manilow’s blankets, because everything’s better with:

Brookie: Great Style!

Friend: (Simultaneously) Butt to Butt.

All Three: With Manual Blondicks!

(Lejean thrusts her arms over her head.)

Submitted by: Ted Zoldan

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Robert Hanlon
Robert Hanlon
1 year ago

Do you remember who wrote this skit? I love the word play.

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