SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 09/28/13: Tina Fey’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Tina Fey’s Monologue

…..Tina Fey
…..Featured Players of “Saturday Night Live”

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Tina Fey!

Tina Fey: [ she checks her breast area for posible slippage ] Thank you! Ohhhh, thank you so much! Oh, my gosh! I am SO glad to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”, um, because some of you might know I don’t have a show any more… and, uh, unless I’m on TV once every three weeks, a little part of me dies. How am I going to manage to get the best table at Subway if I don’t have a TV show?

You know, I worked here at “SNL” for nine years, and, uh… [ the audience cheers wildly ] And I’m always so excited to get the chance to come back and do all my big recurring characters again! Oh, yeah — I had SOOO many popular characters that people still ask me about. Like… “Johnny Jean Jacket”… [ reveal still ] That was a big one. Queef Latina… [ reveal still ] Which, of course, went on to become a HUGE Paramount motion picture: “Queef Latina Ruins Christmas.” [ reveal movie poster ] Yep. Hold on to your hat, I’m gonna do ALL of them! I’m gonna do Salvador Dali Parton… [ reveal still ] Alright? Not to be confused with Reba McIntired. And, everybody remembers “The Lady with No Theme Song”!

[ cut to theme intro ]

“She’s the Lady With no Theme Song.
How’s she gonna start her sketch?
No theme song!
And she’s a vampire!”

[ return to Home Base ]

Tina Fey: I’m just messing with you! I didn’t have any characters! I never did! I’m just… pleasant. But — I bet who does have a lot of new characters to show you are our SIX NEW CAST MEMBERS! [ the audience cheers ] Yeah! Six! It’s a rebuilding year… as they keep saying at my plastic surgeon’s office. Do you know what? Let’s meet ’em! Come on out here, new kids!

[ the six new cast members surround Tina ]

Tina Fey: [ to Noël Wells ] You’re real cute. How old are you, sweetheart?

Noël Wells: Uh — 26!

Tina Fey: Just stand over here. [ she motions Wells far to one side ] Guys, I’m gonna give you… your first job on the show tonight.Okay? As new cast members, one of your most important tasks is doing very embarrassing dancing behind the hosts in the monologue. Okay? Everyone does it. Here’s me dancing behind Mr. Andy Roddick. [ reveal clip ] Here’s me being a goon behind Jude Law. [ reveal clip ] And here I am in a trenchcoat with Bernie Mac. [ reveal previously unseen dress clip ] Yeah! I mean, you GOTTA do it! It’s not just for ladies! Here is the great Will Ferrell, tap-dancing with Katie Holmes. [ she looks around ] Yeah, take a look at that… [ reveal clip ] ‘Cause what happened was… Katie Holmes told us she was a really, really good tap dancer, and it turned out she was not! So Will had to get out there and make her look good. Support the host, you know? It’s humiliating, but it’s part of the job. And I am so honored that I get to be the person to do this to you. Alright? So let’s do what we practiced, guys! Go, go, go!

[ the new cast members rush offstage ]

Tina Fey: We’re gonna show America that you are in it to win it! [ she grabs a microphone ] Ladies and gentlemen — Being humiliated for the firt time anywhere… the featured players of “Saturday Night Live”!

[ the new cast members return to the Home Base wearing glitter jackets and dark pants ]

Tina Fey: SHORTS!

[ the new cast members pull off their breakaway pants; John Milhiser struggles with his pants, causing Tina to turn away and stifle a laugh ]

Tina Fey: [ singing ] “Really want to make it?”

Featured Players: [ singing ] “Yes, Miss Tina!”

Tina Fey: [ singing ] “Then, let me see you shake it!”

[ the new cast members shimmy-shake ]

Tina Fey: Good. Good, that’s very embarrassing. [ to John Milhiser’s belly ] You’re gonna feel a deep shame coming up from here and out. It’s natural. Remember -– It was your dream to work here. [ to Mike O’Brien ] How do you think it’s going? [ he shrugs ] It’s not. [ to Brooks Wheelan, singing ] “I hope you’re father isn’t watching.”

Brooks Wheelan: [ singing ] “Oh, he is.”

Tina Fey: [ singing ] “Then, let me see some crotching.”

[ the new cast members shake their crotches ]

Tina Fey: Oh, boy! [ to Beck Bennett ] I hope you do a lot of impressions.

[ singing ]“It’s a rite of passage that couldn’t be gayer
Say it lous, say it proud:”

Featured Players: [ singing ] “I’M A FEATURED PLAYER!!!”

Tina Fey: Bring it home, nerds!

Featured Players:
[ dancing, singing ]“We’ve got a great show!
Arcade Fire is heeeeeeeeeere!
So stick around, we’ll beeee…”

Tina Fey: COMMIT!!

Featured Players: [ singing ] “Right…”

Tina Fey: Let your spirit die!

Featured Players: [ singing ] “Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccckkkkkkkk!!”

[ they pose around Tina triumphantly ]

Tina Fey: Congratulations! You’re done for the night. We’ve got a great show! Arcade Fire is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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