SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 09/28/13: New Cast Member or Arcade Fire

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

New Cast Member or Arcade Fire

…..Kenan Thompson
…..Tina Fey
…..Kyle Mooney
…..Régine Chassagne
…..Noël Wells
…..Win Butler
…..Mike O’Brien
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: It’s time for America’s FAVORITE game show!

Audience: New! Cast Member! Or! Arcade Fire!

Kenan Thompson: Yes! Hello, and welcome to “New Cast Member or Arcade Fire.” The game is simple: Contestants must attempt to tell the difference between a member of Arcade Fire… [ image of band ] and one of “SNL”‘s new featured players. [ similar image of cast members ] Let’s meet tonight’s celebrity guest. She made you laugh on “30 Rock”, and she can be a real BossyPants. Miss Tina Fey!

[ Tina approaches the podium ]

Tina Fey: Thank you! It’s great to be here!

Kenan Thompson: Ah, nice to have you, Tina. Now, you’ve been working with some of the new folks this week. You feel good about your chances?

Tina Fey: No! I do not think that I will do well!

Kenan Thompson: Well, let’s begin! Tina, here’s the first match-up.

[ ?? and a nervous Kyle Mooney step out ]

Kenan Thompson: Okay, Tina… Which one is the new cast member, and which one’s in Arcade Fire?

Tina Fey: Okay, let’s see, uh… The guy on the left looks comfortable on stage, kind of hip clothes, looks a little alternative. But the guy in the glasses has a real deer-in-the-headlights look… he’s already sweated through his ironic “Boston Legal” t-shirt. I feel pretty good about this — The guy in the glasses is the new cast member.

[ ding! ]

Kenan Thompson: You are correct! That is right! This is the new “SNL” cast member!

Kyle Mooney: [ waving ] Hey, Tina! Or should I say: [ in a funny voice ] Salutations!

Kenan Thompson: NO!! Do NOT do that!! NO SILLY VOICES!! Not here! That is NOT GOOD!! Get your ass out of here!

[ the two men exit the stage ]

Kenan Thompson: So sorry, Tina. That was not supposed to happen.

Tina Fey: No, no… he seems like he’s gonna be great. [ she sticks out her tongue ]

Kenan Thompson: Alright! Tina! Here’s your next challenge.

[ Régine Chassagne and Noël Wells step out ]

Kenan Thompson: Okay — new cast member, or Arcade Fire?

Tina Fey: Huh? Okay, this is getting a little tougher. Both are MAJOR LEAGUE pixies… Wow… talk about a Spohie’s choice. Okay, I’m trying to picture either of them in Arcade Fire, um… Can I see what they would look like holding old-timey instruments?

Kenan Thompson: Oh, absolutely. Can we bring in the old-timey instruments?

[ two models hand old-timey instruments to the two women ]

Tina Fey: Wow… those look massively stupid. Uh, I don’t know… The one in the polka-dots is in Arcade Fire.

[ buzz! ]

Kenan Thompson: Oooooooohhhh, I’m sorry! That’s incorrect. That is actually a new cast member.

Noël Wells: [ excited ] Tina! It’s SUCH an honor to meet you! I mean, the whole reason I got into comedy was to —

Kenan Thompson: HEY!! NO LINES!! YOU GET NO LINES!! That’s something you gotta EARN!! Okay?! Get out of here!! Get your ass out!!

[ both women exit the stage ]

Kenan Thompson: Once again, Tina, I am very sorry.

Tina Fey: No, that’s okay. I remember when I was a new cast member, and —

Kenan Thompson: Shh! Tina, this isn’t an interview. Alright! Here comes Round 3!

[ Win Butler and Mike O’Brien step out ]

Kenan Thompson: Okay, Tina — Take it away.

Tina Fey: Oof! Okay. This guy in the tie is coming in real hot… he seems way too happy with himself. And, uh — ah, on the left, we’ve got some kind of hipster Paul Bunyan… could be a Civil War re-enactor, or like a Serbian basketball player. I — No, I can’t tell who’s on “SNL”. Can I see them do an impression?

Kenan Thompson: Gentlemen: Your finest De Niro.

Mike O’Brien: Sure. [ as Travis Bickle ] “You talkin’ to ME?! Are you talkin’ to me?!”

Win Butler: [ as Jack Byrnes ] “I’m watchin’ you, Focker! I’m watchin’ you!”

Tina Fey: Wow, that, uh… that does not help at all. Can I Phone-A-Friend?

Kenan Thompson: We’ll do you one better. Send in the Lifeline!

[ Lorne Michaels enters ]

Kenan Thompson: Ah, Lorne Michaels! Lorne, do you think you could help Tina out and tell us which one is the new cast member? Ten seconds.

Announcer V/O: Remember: As Producer of “Saturday Night Live”, he himself recently hired one of these people to be in the cast. The other one is a musician who’s been booked on “SNL” four times in the last six years. Now… Lorne must decide which is the new cast member.

[ buzzer dings ]

Lorne Michaels: Is it… the Black one?

Kenan Thompson: What?! You mean ME?! NO, man!! I’M KENAN!!

[ Lorne exits ]

Kenan Thompson: Alright. Well, uh… That was a humbling round. He thinks I’m a new cast member. The ude’s known me half my life. He called me “The Black One”, didn’t he? [ Tina nods ] Well, the show is over!

Tina Fey: Oh! do I win anything?

Kenan Thompson: Don’t you have enough?! [ to the audience ] See you next week, I guess!

[ fade ]

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