SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 09/28/13: New Cast Member or Arcade Fire


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

New Cast Member or Arcade Fire

…..Kenan Thompson
…..Tina Fey
…..Kyle Mooney
…..Régine Chassagne
…..Noël Wells
…..Win Butler
…..Mike O’Brien
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: It’s time for America’s FAVORITE game show!

Audience: New! Cast Member! Or! Arcade Fire!

Kenan Thompson: Yes! Hello, and welcome to “New Cast Member or Arcade Fire.” The game is simple: Contestants must attempt to tell the difference between a member of Arcade Fire… [ image of band ] and one of “SNL”‘s new featured players. [ similar image of cast members ] Let’s meet tonight’s celebrity guest. She made you laugh on “30 Rock”, and she can be a real BossyPants. Miss Tina Fey!

[ Tina approaches the podium ]

Tina Fey: Thank you! It’s great to be here!

Kenan Thompson: Ah, nice to have you, Tina. Now, you’ve been working with some of the new folks this week. You feel good about your chances?

Tina Fey: No! I do not think that I will do well!

Kenan Thompson: Well, let’s begin! Tina, here’s the first match-up.

[ ?? and a nervous Kyle Mooney step out ]

Kenan Thompson: Okay, Tina… Which one is the new cast member, and which one’s in Arcade Fire?

Tina Fey: Okay, let’s see, uh… The guy on the left looks comfortable on stage, kind of hip clothes, looks a little alternative. But the guy in the glasses has a real deer-in-the-headlights look… he’s already sweated through his ironic “Boston Legal” t-shirt. I feel pretty good about this — The guy in the glasses is the new cast member.

[ ding! ]

Kenan Thompson: You are correct! That is right! This is the new “SNL” cast member!

Kyle Mooney: [ waving ] Hey, Tina! Or should I say: [ in a funny voice ] Salutations!

Kenan Thompson: NO!! Do NOT do that!! NO SILLY VOICES!! Not here! That is NOT GOOD!! Get your ass out of here!

[ the two men exit the stage ]

Kenan Thompson: So sorry, Tina. That was not supposed to happen.

Tina Fey: No, no… he seems like he’s gonna be great. [ she sticks out her tongue ]

Kenan Thompson: Alright! Tina! Here’s your next challenge.

[ Régine Chassagne and Noël Wells step out ]

Kenan Thompson: Okay — new cast member, or Arcade Fire?

Tina Fey: Huh? Okay, this is getting a little tougher. Both are MAJOR LEAGUE pixies… Wow… talk about a Spohie’s choice. Okay, I’m trying to picture either of them in Arcade Fire, um… Can I see what they would look like holding old-timey instruments?

Kenan Thompson: Oh, absolutely. Can we bring in the old-timey instruments?

[ two models hand old-timey instruments to the two women ]

Tina Fey: Wow… those look massively stupid. Uh, I don’t know… The one in the polka-dots is in Arcade Fire.

[ buzz! ]

Kenan Thompson: Oooooooohhhh, I’m sorry! That’s incorrect. That is actually a new cast member.

Noël Wells: [ excited ] Tina! It’s SUCH an honor to meet you! I mean, the whole reason I got into comedy was to —

Kenan Thompson: HEY!! NO LINES!! YOU GET NO LINES!! That’s something you gotta EARN!! Okay?! Get out of here!! Get your ass out!!

[ both women exit the stage ]

Kenan Thompson: Once again, Tina, I am very sorry.

Tina Fey: No, that’s okay. I remember when I was a new cast member, and —

Kenan Thompson: Shh! Tina, this isn’t an interview. Alright! Here comes Round 3!

[ Win Butler and Mike O’Brien step out ]

Kenan Thompson: Okay, Tina — Take it away.

Tina Fey: Oof! Okay. This guy in the tie is coming in real hot… he seems way too happy with himself. And, uh — ah, on the left, we’ve got some kind of hipster Paul Bunyan… could be a Civil War re-enactor, or like a Serbian basketball player. I — No, I can’t tell who’s on “SNL”. Can I see them do an impression?

Kenan Thompson: Gentlemen: Your finest De Niro.

Mike O’Brien: Sure. [ as Travis Bickle ] “You talkin’ to ME?! Are you talkin’ to me?!”

Win Butler: [ as Jack Byrnes ] “I’m watchin’ you, Focker! I’m watchin’ you!”

Tina Fey: Wow, that, uh… that does not help at all. Can I Phone-A-Friend?

Kenan Thompson: We’ll do you one better. Send in the Lifeline!

[ Lorne Michaels enters ]

Kenan Thompson: Ah, Lorne Michaels! Lorne, do you think you could help Tina out and tell us which one is the new cast member? Ten seconds.

Announcer V/O: Remember: As Producer of “Saturday Night Live”, he himself recently hired one of these people to be in the cast. The other one is a musician who’s been booked on “SNL” four times in the last six years. Now… Lorne must decide which is the new cast member.

[ buzzer dings ]

Lorne Michaels: Is it… the Black one?

Kenan Thompson: What?! You mean ME?! NO, man!! I’M KENAN!!

[ Lorne exits ]

Kenan Thompson: Alright. Well, uh… That was a humbling round. He thinks I’m a new cast member. The ude’s known me half my life. He called me “The Black One”, didn’t he? [ Tina nods ] Well, the show is over!

Tina Fey: Oh! do I win anything?

Kenan Thompson: Don’t you have enough?! [ to the audience ] See you next week, I guess!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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