Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 3
October 12th, 2013
GravitySummary: After their shuttle is damaged in space, astronauts Kozanski (Taran Killam) and Dr. Janet Stone (Cecily Strong) desperately radio for help despite no one being available at Mision Control due to the government shutdown.
Bruce Willis’ MonologueSummary: Encouraged by the musically-inept Bobby Moynihan, Bruce Willis performs a harmonica duet.
24 Hour Energy for Dating ActressesSummary: The energy booster men use to help them cope with the pressures of dating overemotional aspiring actresses.
Black OpsSummary: As a team of Navy Seal Ops prepare for a mission, Zernicki (Bruce Willis) describes the action-film scenario he would use to save the day against terrorist forces.
BarbershopSummary: Barbers (Jay Pharoah, Kenan Thompson) tell wild over-the-top stories, but newbie Terry (Bruce Willis) can’t match their patter and enthusiasm.
Boy Dance PartySummary: While the women are out, the boys will bump and grind and throw themselves a wild “Boy Dance Party.”
The Lady Gaga ShowSummary: Lady Gaga (Vanessa Bayer) hosts a weird talk show with special guests designer Michael Kors (Bruce Willis) and phonetically-challenged actress Penelope Cruz (Kate McKinnon), then gives an audience member (Aidy Bryant) a ridiculous makeover.
Recurring Characters: Penelope Cruz.
Katy Perry performs “Roar”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily StrongSummary: Senate Chaplain Barry Black (Kenan Thompson) offers prayers for the government shutdown. Brooks Wheelan comments about the Army’s upcoming tattoo policy, and advices men to think twice before having hasty symbols inked on themselves.
ArmageddonSummary: Kirby (Bobby Moynihan) nearly jeopardizes his captain’s (Bruce Willis) rescue mission by having his pet kitty cat blow up the asteroid hurtling toward Earth.
Recurring Characters: Kirby.
Centauri VodkaSummary: The front half of a Centaur costume (Bruce Willis) insists that his rear half (John Milhiser) doesn’t have enough breathing capacity to perform at the opening gala.
Protective SonSummary: When Mom (Vanessa Bayer) brings her new boyfriend (Bruce Willis) home to meet the family, her son Eddie (Taran Killam) acts overprotective of her, especially after the hapless gentleman nervously combines the words “child” and “son” into an awkward “Chun.”
Recurring Characters: Eddie, Heather, Mom.
SigmaSummary: As new pledges (John Milhiser, Jay Pharoah) look on, Sigma frat brothers (Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett) outline the rules to a childlike version of Beer Pong.
Katy Perry performs “Walking On Air”
E-Meth CigarettesSummary: Meth smokers can smoke anywhere at any time, thanks to their new electronic vapor alternative.
Note: Repeat from 13a.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts