SNL Transcripts: Bruce Willis: 10/12/13: Centauri Vodka


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 3

13c: Bruce Willis / Katy Perry

Centauri Vodka

Mike…..Mike O’Brien
Richard…..Bobby Moynihan
Woman #1…..Aidy Bryant
Doug…..Bruce Willis
Eileen…..Nasim Pedrad
Randy…..John Milhiser
Woman #2…..Noel Wells
Woman #3…..Cecily Strong

[ open on party atmosphere ]

Mike: Congrats again, Richard! This is a fantastic launch party.

Richard: Thanks, man! You know, I really think this is gonna be big. Centauri Vodka… is a DAMN good vodka!

[ suddenly, a man in a centaur costume enters carrying a tray of drinks ]

Doug: Good evening! I am the Centauri Vodka centaur! [ he back half dances a bit ] Would you like a Centauri shot?

Woman #1: Yes, thank you.

Doug: Compliments of Centauri Vodka!

Woman #1: Well, thank you!

Doug: CENTAURI VODKA!! Taste the fantasy for the warrior in us all!

Mike: Wow, he’s fantastic!

Woman #1: Yeah! Nice touch, Rich.

Richard: It adds to the ambience, right? Hey, let me introduce you to some of the investors, okay? Come on!

[ the three of them walk off, as Eileen walks forward ]

Doug: Eileen! Hey! Eileen, you have a second?

Eileen: Uh, yeah, Doug. But make it quick, okay? I have a LOT of VIPs to deal with.

Doug: The actor — The actor who’s playing my back legs — Randy — Really sweet guy. I’m a little worried about him.

Eileen: Okay, why? What did he say?

Doug: The guy’s been walking around for a half an hour in this costume, and he has no air holes back there.

Eileen: Okay, Doug — I love that you’re cocnerned, but Randy is fine. He’s an actor!

Doug: He’s not fine…!

Eileen: That’s what actors DO!

Doug: Can you pleeeease just check on him? Pleeeeeeease, Eileen!

Eileen: I’m telling you, Randy is FINE!

[ she unzips the back of the centaur costume, as a dehydrated Randy pokes his head out ]

Eileen: See? [ she shoves Randy’s head back in ]

Doug: Is he?!

Eileen: He LOVES it!! Okay?! Randy LOVES being an actor!

Doug: He’s got a head cold! He’s go a head cold! I heard him coughing while I was shaving my chest!

Eileen: Okay, Doug — JUst concentrate on being a centaur, and serving free vodka! Now, I need to find a friend for Vin Diesel, so he can stop staring at the wall!

[ reveal a confused Vin Diesel staring at the glowing wall ] [ the Centaur approaches a pair of women, as his hind quarters attempt to keep up ]

Doug: Complimentary Centauri Vodka…?

Woman #2: Oh! Sure! Thanks!

Doug: CENTAURI VODKA!! Taste the fant– [ he hears Randy wheezing ] Hang on, Randy! [ to the women ] Taste the fantasy for the warrior in us all…!

[ the centaur butt sags to the floor ]

Woman #3: Is your — Is your BUTT screaming?

Doug: A little… Eileen!

Eileen: [ annoyed ] What?!

Doug: [ whispering ] Eileen, Randy isn’t getting any oxygen!

Eileen: Doug! You GOTTA stop with the Randy stuff, okay? He’s all good! [ she rushes off ] Love you!

[ Richard returns ]

Richard: Okay, everybody — I would like to make a quick announcement! Okay? I just wanted to thank you for tonight! Okay? And by coming here tonight, you’ve showed me that you LOVE Centauri Vodka! It’s just good! It’s just wonderful! Okay? Thank you so much, everybody! Thank you!

[ meanwhile, Doug and Randy are crashing all over the room as Randy struggles to breathe inside the centaur costume ] [ finally, Doug can only drag Randy’s lifeless body across the room ]


Eileen: Doug! It’s horrifying!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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