SNL Transcripts: Bruce Willis: 10/12/13: Gravity


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 3

13c: Bruce Willis / Katy Perry


Kozanski…..Taran Killam
Dr. Janet Stone…..Cecily Strong
Janitor…..Kenan Thompson
Female Janitor…..Kate McKinnon

[ open on astronauts in space, as they look down on the Earth ]

Kozanski: Ever see anything that beautiful? Besides me, I mean?

Dr. Janet Stone: Get over yourself, Kozanski!

Kozanski: Oh, come on! You’re attracted to me!

Dr. Janet Stone: Alright, just pass me that wrench.

[ suddenly, there’s an explosion and everything jerks out of control ]

Dr. Janet Stone: What is it?!

Kozanski: I think some debris hit the telescope!

Dr. Janet Stone: Oh, my God! We’re detached! What do we do?!

[ they grab each other’s hand ]

Kozanski: Stay calm! Stay calm! Houston, this is Explorer! We’ve been hit by debris and we need immediate assistance! Do you copy?

[ cut to NASA, where Mission Control is unoccupied, except for a janitor ]

Kozanski: Houston, do you read?!

Dr. Janet Stone: Houston! Come in, Houston!

Kozanski: Houston! Houston, come in! We’re flying blind, Houston!

Dr. Janet Stone: Houston!

Kozanski: We need you DESPERATELY, Houston! PLEASE!

Dr. Janet Stone: Houston, please!

Kozanski: Somebody!!

[ the Janitor relunctantly takes a seat at the controls ]

Janitor: Yello?

Dr. Janet Stone: This is Dr. Janet Stone! We’ve become detached from the Hubble telescope!

Kozanski: Mission Control, we are at 4% oxygen, and dropping! Please advise!

Janitor: Ummmm… Mission Control’s not here right now. But can I take a message?

Kozanski: What do you mean, they’re not here?!!

Janitor: Well, uh… this is awkward, but, uh… the government has shut down. It turns out, I’m the only essential employee in the place. [ he shrugs ] But I could’ve told you that MONTHS ago! [ he chuckles ]

Dr. Janet Stone: Look — If you could give us coordinates for the International Space Station, we may have a small chance for survival!

Janitor: Okay, let me get a pen here… I’m gonna say that “Janet from Space called…” And I’m gonna say that this is “Very important!” [ he jots it down ] Okay, all set! Y’all have a good day now!

Dr. Janet Stone: NO!! Houston, NO!! We need a plan of action to get back to Earth!

Janitor: Okay, well, I do have one idea, but… it might be kind of dumb.

Kozanski: Houston, right now there are no dumb ideas.

Janitor: Okay. Well, in “Willy Wonka”… Charlie and Grandpa use a series of small burps to get down…

Kozanski: That is a VERY dumb idea!

Janitor: Yeah.

Dr. Janet Stone: Then, we’re gonna die and we’re down to 2% oxygen!

Kozanski: Look, if that’s the case… why don’t we make this asphyxiation… an erotic one?

Dr. Janet Stone: No! No… eugh!

Janitor: Hey, hey, guys. Uh, I-I think I see someone who might know something about space!

Kozanski: Oh, thank God!

[ a female janitor enters ]

Janitor: Yeah, come in, Soon-Yea. Tell them what you know!

Female Janitor: My son! All day, he watch, eh… “Star Treks”… and “Deep Nine Space”… and “Battle Gallaca Spolika.”

Dr. Janet Stone: N-no! We need coordinates for the I.S.S.!

Female Janitor: Okay, yes. But! Eh, maybe you get him job? Okay? He need money so we can move back to Ukraine where, uh, government is more STABLE!

Kozanski: Houston, we are running out of time.

Dr. Janet Stone: God, I’m out of oxygen! I can’t think!

Female Janitor: Ehhh… neither can Congress.

Janitor: [ laughing ] Ha ha! Oh, nice! [ he high-fives her ] Oh, you funny! You are funny! Hey, you wanna go make the Mars Rover pop some wheelies?

Female Janitor: Yeah, sure! Okay!

[ they walk away from the control panel ]

Dr. Janet Stone: Houston! Hello, Houston?! Oh, my God…

Kozanski: If anyone can hear this transmission, we are lost in space.

Together: And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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