Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 3
Dr. Janet Stone…..Cecily Strong
Female Janitor…..Kate McKinnon
[ open on astronauts in space, as they look down on the Earth ]
Kozanski: Ever see anything that beautiful? Besides me, I mean?
Dr. Janet Stone: Get over yourself, Kozanski!
Kozanski: Oh, come on! You’re attracted to me!
Dr. Janet Stone: Alright, just pass me that wrench.
[ suddenly, there’s an explosion and everything jerks out of control ]
Dr. Janet Stone: What is it?!
Kozanski: I think some debris hit the telescope!
Dr. Janet Stone: Oh, my God! We’re detached! What do we do?!
[ they grab each other’s hand ]
Kozanski: Stay calm! Stay calm! Houston, this is Explorer! We’ve been hit by debris and we need immediate assistance! Do you copy?
[ cut to NASA, where Mission Control is unoccupied, except for a janitor ]
Kozanski: Houston, do you read?!
Dr. Janet Stone: Houston! Come in, Houston!
Kozanski: Houston! Houston, come in! We’re flying blind, Houston!
Dr. Janet Stone: Houston!
Kozanski: We need you DESPERATELY, Houston! PLEASE!
Dr. Janet Stone: Houston, please!
[ the Janitor relunctantly takes a seat at the controls ]
Dr. Janet Stone: This is Dr. Janet Stone! We’ve become detached from the Hubble telescope!
Kozanski: Mission Control, we are at 4% oxygen, and dropping! Please advise!
Janitor: Ummmm… Mission Control’s not here right now. But can I take a message?
Kozanski: What do you mean, they’re not here?!!
Janitor: Well, uh… this is awkward, but, uh… the government has shut down. It turns out, I’m the only essential employee in the place. [ he shrugs ] But I could’ve told you that MONTHS ago! [ he chuckles ]
Dr. Janet Stone: Look — If you could give us coordinates for the International Space Station, we may have a small chance for survival!
Janitor: Okay, let me get a pen here… I’m gonna say that “Janet from Space called…” And I’m gonna say that this is “Very important!” [ he jots it down ] Okay, all set! Y’all have a good day now!
Dr. Janet Stone: NO!! Houston, NO!! We need a plan of action to get back to Earth!
Janitor: Okay, well, I do have one idea, but… it might be kind of dumb.
Kozanski: Houston, right now there are no dumb ideas.
Janitor: Okay. Well, in “Willy Wonka”… Charlie and Grandpa use a series of small burps to get down…
Kozanski: That is a VERY dumb idea!
Dr. Janet Stone: Then, we’re gonna die and we’re down to 2% oxygen!
Kozanski: Look, if that’s the case… why don’t we make this asphyxiation… an erotic one?
Dr. Janet Stone: No! No… eugh!
Janitor: Hey, hey, guys. Uh, I-I think I see someone who might know something about space!
Kozanski: Oh, thank God!
[ a female janitor enters ]
Janitor: Yeah, come in, Soon-Yea. Tell them what you know!
Female Janitor: My son! All day, he watch, eh… “Star Treks”… and “Deep Nine Space”… and “Battle Gallaca Spolika.”
Dr. Janet Stone: N-no! We need coordinates for the I.S.S.!
Female Janitor: Okay, yes. But! Eh, maybe you get him job? Okay? He need money so we can move back to Ukraine where, uh, government is more STABLE!
Kozanski: Houston, we are running out of time.
Dr. Janet Stone: God, I’m out of oxygen! I can’t think!
Female Janitor: Ehhh… neither can Congress.
Janitor: [ laughing ] Ha ha! Oh, nice! [ he high-fives her ] Oh, you funny! You are funny! Hey, you wanna go make the Mars Rover pop some wheelies?
Female Janitor: Yeah, sure! Okay!
[ they walk away from the control panel ]
Dr. Janet Stone: Houston! Hello, Houston?! Oh, my God…
Kozanski: If anyone can hear this transmission, we are lost in space.
Together: And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”