Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 3
Soldier in Back…..Mike O’Brien
Commander: Today’s the big day, gentlemen! I hope you’ve got your sleep! The raid on Al Hafaraz Compound takes place at 2300 hours! So let’s go through our responsibilities one more time! Hernandez!
Hernandez: Alright, I approach on the left flank, I establish a perimeter, and make sure the target doesn’t have a viable exit.
Montrose: Head to the main power grid; I get the signal, I cut the juice!
Zernicki: [ as dramatic music plays ] I walk up to the front door and I kick it in! The bad guy looks at me, I smile, I say, “Anybody order a pizza?” They reach for their guns… I’m faster — Pop! Pop! Pop! Dead. Just like that. But there’s a fourth guy I didn’t see ’cause he’s standing behind me, and he tells me drop my gun! I do. And when he’s down to pick it up, surprise! I got a KNIFE at the end of my boot! And I kick him in the THROAT with it, right there! He falls to the ground, and I turn and I say to myself, “Where are you hiding, Al-Hafar?”
Commander: Close! Your job is to wait in the van and make sure our communications don’t go down!
Zernicki: You’re wasting my talents…
Commander: I disagree completely! Jarvis!
Jarvis: I’m on extraction! Two apaches, two clicks out; I get the target, we get out.
Daniels: Green Team enters the compound. Radios off! Night vision goggles on! We stay… quiet.
Zernicki: [ whispering ] Wrong!
Zernicki: I go in LOUD!! Let ’em know I’m there. I yell, “The game is up, Al-Hafar!” He yells out, “American infidel! You’re like a pebble in my shoe. But in order to find me, you have to get by my BODYGUARD!”
Montrose: Uh-oh! Wait, is the bodyguard big?
Commander: Montrose, don’t encourage him!
Zernicki: [ as dramatic music plays ] The bodyguard starts moving toward me, you see? But he sees something on the floor. He bends down to pick it up. Surprise! I got a KNIFE at the end of my boot, and I kick HIM in the throat!
Jarvis: So, wait… He just happens to see something on the floor?
Zernicki: It doesn’t matter!
Jarvis: Okay, cool.
Zernicki: He’s dead, and I’m that much closer to Hafar.
Commander: No, you’re not! You’re in the VAN, making sure our communications don’t go down! Patterson!
Patterson: I’m running a grab team. Intelligence puts Hafar in an upstairs bedroom.
Zernicki: [ he sighs ] Intelligence is wrong… [ as dramatic music plays ] You just walked into that room, which is booby-trapped! KA-BOOM!! I run in, bodies everywhere! I drop to the ground and cradle your head in my hands.
Patterson: My head?
Zernicki: Yeah! I lok at you and I say, “Don’t die on me, don’t you DARE die on me!” You look up at me, and with your last breath you say, “You were ALWAYS my hero!”
Patterson: Yeah, I would NOT say that.
Zernicki: I look to the heavens and I scream, “HAFAR!!” He merges from the smoke: “We meet again, Mr. Zernicki!”
Commander: Again, have you met Hafar before? Yuo HAVE to tell us if you have.
Zernicki: Hafar opens his SHIRT, bombs strapped to his chest! He says, “Let’s meet Allah TOGETHER!” I smirk — of course — “Love to… but I have other plans!” Because, SURPRISE! I have a KNIFE!
Montrose: [ excited ] Ohhhhh, you have a knife in your boot!!
Zernicki: I kick my boot across the room, the knife goes into Hafar’s neck — but not before he hits the detonator! I don’t have that much time. Forward somersault! Forward somersault! Backward somersault! Of course, I drop my keys… Another forward somersault. I jump out the window, the bomb goes off, I fall to my certain death — But what’s that? A Ferrari driving by!
Commander: [ incredulous ] A Ferrari is driving by in Afghanistan?
Zernicki: I land in the passenger seat — I look over, there’s a blonde driving — and not an ugly one! We’re talking a perfect ten! Oakley Betties [??], the whole bit.
Zernicki: She’s ??, but also… you can tell there’s some interest on her. She gives me a “Who are you?” I give her a little devilish grin, followed by “I’m your future ex-husband.” Fade to black.
Patterson: Wait, what you mean “Fade to black”?
Zernicki: If you want to see what I mean… you’ll all follow me. [ he points to the Commander ] Or stay here with this guy and play it by the books. [ he saunters away ]
Montrose: Awwwww, hey! Yuo know I’M going![ Montrose and the others run after him ]
Commander: Hey, guys, come on! We’re Navy Seals! [ a beat ] I DO want to see that Ferrari! [ he runs after them ] [ fade ]