Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 3
13c: Bruce Willis / Katy Perry
Pledge #1…..John Milhiser
Pledge #2…..Jay Pharoah
Frat Brother #1…..Kyle Mooney
Frat Brother #2…..Beck Bennett
[ open on Sigma frat house, at two pledges enter ]
Pledge #1: Ohhh… I think this is Sigma. These guys are supposed to be a big party house.
Pledge #2: Yeah. Let’s check ’em out.
[ the pledges approach two frat brothers ]
Frat Brother #1: Welcome to Sigma House.
Pledge #1: Hey.
Frat Brother #1: You guys here to rush?
Frat Brother #2: How about some Beer Pong?
Pledge #2: Yeah!
Pledge #1: Sure.
Frat Brother #1: Just to let you know, we play House Rules, so it can get pretty intense.
Frat Brother #2: Yeah, you better call Mommy and Daddy, make sure it’s okay.
[ they all laugh ]
Frat Brother #1: Alright. So, basic rules: You sink in the cup, drink once. Bounce it, drink twice.
Pledge #2: Got it.
Frat Brother #2: Three in a row, you’re on fire! Call a cup and knock it down, it’s whistles. Sink it in the same cup, you get the balls back…
Pledge #1: Whoa, what’s “whistles”?
Frat Brother #2: You guys whistle?
Frat Brother #2: So… if we call the cup, then you have to whistle a song. It doesn’t matter what type.
Frat Brother #1: It’s just a chance for us to learn what makes you a very special and unique person inside of you.
Pledge #2: What if we can’t think of a song to whistle?
Frat Brothers: [ singing ] “Then we’ll whistle one forrrrrr you!” [ they high-five ]
Pledge #2: Okay, I guess…
Frat Brother #1: Alright, just a few more rules. If you guys bounce it, and we bounce it back and it lands inside one of your cups, you have to design your ideal roller coaster.
Frat Brother #2: Grab some markers or some colored pencils, and just start drawing. Disregard the laws of physics, and create the coaster from your wildest dreams.
Frat Brother #1: If we like it enough, we put it up on the wall.
[ he acknowledges a collection of drawings on the wall ]
Pledge #2: These rules seem like they were made for kids…
Frat Brother #2: Ohhhh, the little pledge wants to party, huh? Alright, well, listen to this: If the ball goes around the rim, and then goes in, it’s…
Frat Brothers: Pen Pals!
Frat Brother #2: We set you up with a pen pal, and you write letters back and forth, and possibly form a friendship that could last a lifetime.
Frat Brother #1: [ holding up a letter ] My pen pal’s from Australia!
Pledge #2: Who cares?
Frat Brother #1: If the cup flies while you throw it in, you get to choose a lizard. [ he holds up a box of lizards ]
Pledge #1: Why?
Frat Brother #1: Baseball stars, put on your pinstripes and step up to the plate, ’cause we’re putting you in a custom baseball card.
Pledge #2: What?
Frat Brother #1: And you get to choose your own sets. How many homers are you gonna hit?
Pledge #2: Wait, you didn’t say when that happens.
Frat Brother #1: That’s just something fun…
Frat Brothers: That we do whenever we want toooo! [ they hug ]
Pledge #2: Well, it seems like there’s never any drinking in this game.
Frat Brother #1: We can chug.
Frat Brothers: Chug!! Chug!! Chug!! Chug!! Chug!! Chug!!
[ camera pans down to reveal a toy train on a track ]
Frat Brother #1: If you chug, you become the conductor of the Sigma House Train.
Frat Brother #2: Dang! The train has balls!
[ the two frat brothers perform a secret handshake ]
Pledge #1: What is going on?
Frat Brother #1: The science projects!
Frat Brother #2: Show ’em!
Frat Brother #1: [ he holds up a posterboard of a Volcano Explosion ] I worked very hard on this. It’s not part of the game, but I wanted you to see it because I studied.
Pledge #1: Alright, whatever! Can we just start the game?
Frat Brother #2: Oh, we don’t know how to play.
Pledge #2: What do you mean, you don’t know how to play?! You just told us the rules!
Frat Brother #1: I wasn’t listening.
Frat Brother #2: Yeah, me either.
[ fade ]