Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 4
Adult Ruth…..Aidy Bryant
[ open on Dad sitting in his living room with a plastic pumpkin ]
Dad: Oh! Hi, friends. Well… it’s that spooky time of the year again — Halloween — and I have a fresh batch of goodies in store for all of our trick-or-treaters. so why don’t we just see what they’re gonna get this year, shall we?[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]
Dad: This is a little Snickers. They say it’s fun-sized. No arguments from me, wink![ he reaches into his pumpkin ]
Dad: Now, this… looks like a Reese’s Cup. But guess what’s inside? [ he pulls an object out ] Kale chip! GOTCHA, Fatty!
Dad: Now this is an Almond Joy. Almond Joy’s got nuts? TMI, Almond Joy! Geeeeez! [ looking over ] Do you like Halloween, Diego?
Dad: Diego’s my son, he loves Halloween. I like your costume, Diego. What are you?[ posing ] BOOOOOONES!!
Dad: Hmmmmm… Okay. Uh, what else have we got in here? [ he reaches into his pumpkin ] This ia Bazooka Joe bubble gum. I already took a peek at the comic inside — surprise! It’s funny as ALL HELL![ he reaches into his pumpkin ]
Dad: Now, this… is a peanut scotch-taped to an M&M. Because that’s just how my mind works.
Dad: Now, this… is a Ring-Pop. I told my wife it was a ruby, and she was like, “Can we not? Please.”[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]
Dad: This little guy is a Pez dispenser with my head on it. To make it accurate, I filled it up with what I ate last night. Don’t worry — I just had PEZ!! Diego? What’s going on with that pumpkin?[ cut to Diego holding a pumpkin with a huge hole in the middle ]
Diego: I made the mouth too biiiiig…
Dad: Mmm-hmm. He’s a hot little mess. [ he reaches into his pumpkin ] Okay. Now, this, if you look close, is one single little Nerd. Can you get in a little closer? [ cut to close-up ] PSYCH!! It’s a boogie! [ he tosses it toward Diego ] [ he reaches into his pumpkin ]
Dad: Now, this… this is the movie “Cars 2”. But look what happens when you open the case: [ he opens the empty case ] No DVD! NOW who’s in control? [ he reaches into his pumpkin ] This is Baby Ruth. And this is Adult Ruth.[ cut to a grown woman ]
Adult Ruth: I’m Ruth.
Dad: Whoa-oa, Diego. What happened?
Diego: I got Tee-Peeeeeeeeed!
Dad: [ sighs ] Diego thought he saw a ghost last night, but it turned out it was jsut a sheet over a dead corpse. [ he reaches into his pumpkin ] Okay, look — Now these are razor blades. But they’re still in the PACK! So this time, they’ll have to arrest me for GENEROSITY![ he reaches into his pumpkin ]
Dad: This… is a Klondike Bar. And what would I do for a Klondike Bar? I’d suck ANYTHING you put in front of me, I’m serious, I don’t care! I LOVE… Klondike Bars.[ Adult Ruth hands over a glass ]
Dad: Ooh! Is that a Candy Corn Mojito? [ he sips it ] Oh, that’s yummy! I guess I’m giving that Two-Year Chip back![ Diego steps forward, chewing the innards of his mangled pumpkin ]
Diego: Oooohhhh, it’s salty!
Dad: Oh. Happy Halloween, Diego.
Diego: Happy Halloween, Dad! Happy Halloween, Adult Ruth!
Dad: Happy Halloween, everyone.[ cut to title card ]
Announcer: Have a Spooktacular Halloween! From Diego, Dad and Adult Ruth![ fade ]