SNL Transcripts: Edward Norton: 10/26/13: Halloween Candy


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 4

13d: Edward Norton / Janelle Monae

Halloween Candy

Dad…..Edward Norton
Diego…..Bobby Moynihan
Adult Ruth…..Aidy Bryant

[ open on Dad sitting in his living room with a plastic pumpkin ]

Dad: Oh! Hi, friends. Well… it’s that spooky time of the year again — Halloween — and I have a fresh batch of goodies in store for all of our trick-or-treaters. so why don’t we just see what they’re gonna get this year, shall we?

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: This is a little Snickers. They say it’s fun-sized. No arguments from me, wink!

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: Now, this… looks like a Reese’s Cup. But guess what’s inside? [ he pulls an object out ] Kale chip! GOTCHA, Fatty!

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: Now this is an Almond Joy. Almond Joy’s got nuts? TMI, Almond Joy! Geeeeez! [ looking over ] Do you like Halloween, Diego?

Diego: Yeaahhhhh!!

Dad: Diego’s my son, he loves Halloween. I like your costume, Diego. What are you?

[ posing ] BOOOOOONES!!

Dad: Hmmmmm… Okay. Uh, what else have we got in here? [ he reaches into his pumpkin ] This ia Bazooka Joe bubble gum. I already took a peek at the comic inside — surprise! It’s funny as ALL HELL!

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: Now, this… is a peanut scotch-taped to an M&M. Because that’s just how my mind works.

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: Now, this… is a Ring-Pop. I told my wife it was a ruby, and she was like, “Can we not? Please.”

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: This little guy is a Pez dispenser with my head on it. To make it accurate, I filled it up with what I ate last night. Don’t worry — I just had PEZ!! Diego? What’s going on with that pumpkin?

[ cut to Diego holding a pumpkin with a huge hole in the middle ]

Diego: I made the mouth too biiiiig…

Dad: Mmm-hmm. He’s a hot little mess. [ he reaches into his pumpkin ] Okay. Now, this, if you look close, is one single little Nerd. Can you get in a little closer? [ cut to close-up ] PSYCH!! It’s a boogie! [ he tosses it toward Diego ] [ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: Now, this… this is the movie “Cars 2”. But look what happens when you open the case: [ he opens the empty case ] No DVD! NOW who’s in control? [ he reaches into his pumpkin ] This is Baby Ruth. And this is Adult Ruth.

[ cut to a grown woman ]

Adult Ruth: I’m Ruth.

Dad: Whoa-oa, Diego. What happened?

[ cut to Diego covered in toilet paper ]

Diego: I got Tee-Peeeeeeeeed!

Dad: [ sighs ] Diego thought he saw a ghost last night, but it turned out it was jsut a sheet over a dead corpse. [ he reaches into his pumpkin ] Okay, look — Now these are razor blades. But they’re still in the PACK! So this time, they’ll have to arrest me for GENEROSITY!

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: This… is a Klondike Bar. And what would I do for a Klondike Bar? I’d suck ANYTHING you put in front of me, I’m serious, I don’t care! I LOVE… Klondike Bars.

[ Adult Ruth hands over a glass ]

Dad: Ooh! Is that a Candy Corn Mojito? [ he sips it ] Oh, that’s yummy! I guess I’m giving that Two-Year Chip back!

[ Diego steps forward, chewing the innards of his mangled pumpkin ]

Diego: Oooohhhh, it’s salty!

Dad: Oh. Happy Halloween, Diego.

Diego: Happy Halloween, Dad! Happy Halloween, Adult Ruth!

Dad: Happy Halloween, everyone.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: Have a Spooktacular Halloween! From Diego, Dad and Adult Ruth!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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