SNL Transcripts: Edward Norton: 10/26/13: Halloween Candy

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 4

13d: Edward Norton / Janelle Monae

Halloween Candy

Dad…..Edward Norton
Diego…..Bobby Moynihan
Adult Ruth…..Aidy Bryant

[ open on Dad sitting in his living room with a plastic pumpkin ]

Dad: Oh! Hi, friends. Well… it’s that spooky time of the year again — Halloween — and I have a fresh batch of goodies in store for all of our trick-or-treaters. so why don’t we just see what they’re gonna get this year, shall we?

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: This is a little Snickers. They say it’s fun-sized. No arguments from me, wink!

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: Now, this… looks like a Reese’s Cup. But guess what’s inside? [ he pulls an object out ] Kale chip! GOTCHA, Fatty!

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: Now this is an Almond Joy. Almond Joy’s got nuts? TMI, Almond Joy! Geeeeez! [ looking over ] Do you like Halloween, Diego?

Diego: Yeaahhhhh!!

Dad: Diego’s my son, he loves Halloween. I like your costume, Diego. What are you?

[ posing ] BOOOOOONES!!

Dad: Hmmmmm… Okay. Uh, what else have we got in here? [ he reaches into his pumpkin ] This ia Bazooka Joe bubble gum. I already took a peek at the comic inside — surprise! It’s funny as ALL HELL!

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: Now, this… is a peanut scotch-taped to an M&M. Because that’s just how my mind works.

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: Now, this… is a Ring-Pop. I told my wife it was a ruby, and she was like, “Can we not? Please.”

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: This little guy is a Pez dispenser with my head on it. To make it accurate, I filled it up with what I ate last night. Don’t worry — I just had PEZ!! Diego? What’s going on with that pumpkin?

[ cut to Diego holding a pumpkin with a huge hole in the middle ]

Diego: I made the mouth too biiiiig…

Dad: Mmm-hmm. He’s a hot little mess. [ he reaches into his pumpkin ] Okay. Now, this, if you look close, is one single little Nerd. Can you get in a little closer? [ cut to close-up ] PSYCH!! It’s a boogie! [ he tosses it toward Diego ] [ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: Now, this… this is the movie “Cars 2”. But look what happens when you open the case: [ he opens the empty case ] No DVD! NOW who’s in control? [ he reaches into his pumpkin ] This is Baby Ruth. And this is Adult Ruth.

[ cut to a grown woman ]

Adult Ruth: I’m Ruth.

Dad: Whoa-oa, Diego. What happened?

[ cut to Diego covered in toilet paper ]

Diego: I got Tee-Peeeeeeeeed!

Dad: [ sighs ] Diego thought he saw a ghost last night, but it turned out it was jsut a sheet over a dead corpse. [ he reaches into his pumpkin ] Okay, look — Now these are razor blades. But they’re still in the PACK! So this time, they’ll have to arrest me for GENEROSITY!

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: This… is a Klondike Bar. And what would I do for a Klondike Bar? I’d suck ANYTHING you put in front of me, I’m serious, I don’t care! I LOVE… Klondike Bars.

[ Adult Ruth hands over a glass ]

Dad: Ooh! Is that a Candy Corn Mojito? [ he sips it ] Oh, that’s yummy! I guess I’m giving that Two-Year Chip back!

[ Diego steps forward, chewing the innards of his mangled pumpkin ]

Diego: Oooohhhh, it’s salty!

Dad: Oh. Happy Halloween, Diego.

Diego: Happy Halloween, Dad! Happy Halloween, Adult Ruth!

Dad: Happy Halloween, everyone.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: Have a Spooktacular Halloween! From Diego, Dad and Adult Ruth!

[ fade ]

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