SNL Transcripts: Edward Norton: 10/26/13: Critter Control



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 4


















13d: Edward Norton / Janelle Monae

Critter Control

Manager…..Kate McKinnon
Chad…..Jay Pharoah
Executive #1…..Noël Wells
Executive #2…..Cecily Strong
Executive #3…..Beck Bennett
Mitchell…..Brooks Wheelan
Russell…..Edward Norton

[ open on conference room meeting ]

Manager: So everyone has his or her ABT documents?

Chad: Oh, oh yes — I have two!

Executive #1: Oh ho, Chad!

Executive #2: Could I just like mention something? Is there a weird, strong smell in here?

Manager: Yes, there was a bit of a vermin problem, but someone from pest control is coming in to take care of it. Okay. Now, if we could all turn to Page 2 here…

[ Mitchell from Critter Control bursts into the room ]

Mitchell: Critter Control!

Executive #2: Oh! Oh. Should we all clear out for you, while you —

Mitchell: Oh! no need, no need! This will only take FIVE minutes! Uh… you won’t even know I’m here.

Manager: Okay. Um, so as I was saying, the Third quarter was not our best. We’ve looked at these numbers, um…

Mitchell: [ peering into the vent ] Ohhh, my Goooooooooodddd!!

Executive #2: Is something wrong?

Mitchell: Nooo, I’m sorry, I’m sorry… Nothing’s wrong. Keep having your meeting.

Manager: So… the Third Quarter…

Mitchell: Ohhhhh, my Gooooooodddd!! Something IS wrong! Oh, it’s just as I suspected: POSSUMS!! [ camera cuts to inside the vent ] Oh, there’s TWO of them in there! One’s alive, and one’s dead! The alive one’s CRYING over the dead one’s BODY! Ohhhh, my Gooooooodddd!! Russell has GOT to see this! [ he runs to the door ] RUSSELL!!

Executive #2: Should we just move to another conference room?

Manager: I’m afraid this is the only one that’s available. Let’s just try to stay focused. He said it would just be a few minutes.

[ Mitchell returns with Russell ]

Russell: Uh… uh… ladies and gentlemen, my name is Russell, and, no, I’m not a licensed Critter Control specialist. However, I am Mitchell’s best friend, and he KNOWS I just love this funky junk! But I have been informed that a meeting is taking place, and I’m NOT to disturb you and, in conclusion, just work harder and not smarter, and uh… we’ll get ‘er done, and my name has been Russell.

[ Mitchell leads Russell to the vent ]

Executive #1: Wait… what’s happening…?

Russell: Give me a light… [ he takes Mitchell’s flashlight and peers into the vent ] Oh, boy! You weren’t kiddin’ about these possums! One of ’em’s dead and his buddies are havin’ some sort of memorial service. Why… you know, he was definitely respected, but I don’t know if he was the leader or just like a charismatic citizen. But there’s a big turnout!

Mitchell: Oh, ho, ho! Should I rile them up?!

Russell: Yeah! Get ’em! Make ’em go nuts!

[ Mitchell bangs the wall with his mallet ]

Russell: Oh yeah, that’s good! Now they’re gettin’ fired up!

[ Mitchell keeps pounding the wall ]

Executive #3: Can we take a five-minute break?

Manager: No, no, they’ll be done soon. They are two professionals.

Chad: Actually, I think, uh, Russell’s just a friend.

Mitchell: Oh, ho, Russell! I got an idea! Try the bat!

Russell: Oh, yeah! [ he grabs Mitchell’s bat, then skims around the inside of the vent as the possums screech ] Oh, yeah! I used the bat! I — Hey, he got the bat…

Mitchell: You gotta get that! I got a GAME tomorrow!

Russell: Oh, shoot… I forgot. I’ll go in and get it.

[ Russell crawls into the vent ]

Manager: Maybe… maybe we should leave.

Executive #3: Can we stay? I kinda want to see how this turns out.

Mitchell: Russell! Russell, can you see what’s happening in there?

[ cut to Russell squeezed inside the vent ]

Russell: [ squinting ] Uh… they took my eyeglasses… and one’ of ’em’s puttin’ them on himself, and he… [ excited ] He’s pretendin’ he’s ME! [ laughing ] I DO do that!

Mitchell: I wanna see that! I wanan see that!

Russell: You gotta come in here, these guys are high-larious!

Mitchell: Alright! [ he jumps into the vent ] Oh, my gosh…

[ the possums squeal, as Russell and Mitchell laugh at their antics ]

Russell: What did I tell you? Do these guys do marvelous impressions or what?

Mitchell: My God! Do ME! Do ME!

[ the possums squal, and Russell and Mitchell crack up ]

Mitchell: Look at him!

Russell: It’s exactly how you walk!

Mitchell: Oh, my God! I never thought I would say this, but I… love… these possums!

[ back in the meeting room, everyone stares at Russell and Mitchell’s outstretched largs uncomfortably ]

Russell: Now… now, look… one of them is stickin’ out his little paw in friendship…

Mitchell: YES, Mr. Possum! I accept you as a brother! Wait… now what is that in his paw…?

Russell: Oh, God, he’s got a knife!

Mitchell: OH, MY GOD!! IT WAS A TRAP!!

[ suddenly, the two pairs of legs are yanked forward in the vent and disappear, as the exceutives look on in confused horror ]

Executive #2: So, we’re all… we’re all just gonna ignore that happened, right?

Manager: I think so…

Chad: Yeah! Yeah!

[ they all return to their meeting ]

[ fade ]

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