SNL Transcripts: Edward Norton: 10/26/13: Steve Harvey


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 4

13d: Edward Norton / Janelle Monae

Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey…..Kenan Thompson
Jake Pickler…..Edward Norton
Facebook…..Aidy Bryant
Cereal Killer…..Kyle Mooney
Deviled Eggs…..Noël Wells, John Milhiser

[ open on show graphics ] [ dissolve to talk show set ]

Steve Harvey: Okay! Welcome back! Welcome back to “Steve Harvey”! I want to thank Nigel Tipton, real-life ghostbuster, for bringing some of his FINEST to the show! And I apologize for conducting the interview from the parking lot! I don’t mess with no ghosts! [ he chuckles ] Okay, let’s move on to Expert Tips! [ graphics ] Halloween is only a couple of days away, and I gotta confess: I don’t like it! Folks sneaking around and grabbing candy, when we got enough CRIME and DIABETES out there as it is! At my house, we do the same thing every year: Turn off all the lights, leave a bucket of Steve Harvey Pocket Squares out on the front porch, and then me and my wife go upstairs, drink Henessey, and explore each other with al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together” massage oil! But I know LOTS of y’all love Halloween, so this is why we have my guest today. Here to give us some costume ideas, is the owner of Spooky city — your one-stop Halloween store — Please welcome Mr. Jake Pickler!

[ Jake Pickler comes out ]

Jake Pickler: It’s terrific to be here! Terrific!

Steve Harvey: Good to meet ‘ya! Hey there, Mr. Pickler!

Jake Pickler: It’s good to be here, Steve. It’s TERRIFIC to be here! Uhh, are you ready to have a little fun with Halloween costumes?

Steve Harvey: [ suspicious ] I feel like that’s a leading question.

Jake Pickler: Well, let’s try! Let’s try! Let’s just try. Uh… well… at spooky City, we’ve got HUNDREDS of costumes! My favorite involve… WORDPLAY!

Steve Harvey: Word Play?

Jake Pickler: Yeah!

Steve Harvey: What’s that? Like, when you find little words in your SOUP?!

Jake Pickler: Uh… uh… kind of, but not really. I’m thinking more like puns and riddles. so, you know, let’s okay a game: I’m gonna bring out one of my favorite punny costumes, and you’re gonna see if you can guess what they are!

Steve Harvey: A VAMPIRE!

Jake Pickler: No… no, you can’t guess yet. Uh, because I gotta bring it out first.

Steve Harvey: Oh, okay…

Jake Pickler: Okay, so bring out the first one!

[ a woman with a book over her head steps out ]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I know THIS one! They got someone in my neighborhood who looks just like this! That’s ol’ BOOK HEAD!

Jake Pickler: Uh… close, Steve. That’s close. Yuo got one word!

Steve Harvey: Encyclopedia Head!

Jake Pickler: No! No, you’re overthinking it, Steve! It’s, uh, it’s two things combined, but just tell me what you see!

Steve Harvey: Okay… I see a lady’s face

Jake Pickler: That’s good!

Steve Harvey: And it’s sticking out of a… book!

Jake Pickler: Okay, now put it together!

Steve Harvey: So… BOOK FACE! Hey there, Book Face!

Jake Pickler: No! no, no, no! That’s so close! Now, just turn it around!

Steve Harvey: Book Ass?

Jake Pickler: No… no… no… That was a nice try. It’s Facebook! It’s Facebook, like the web site!

Steve Harvey: Web site?!

Jake Pickler: Yeah!

Steve Harvey: If she was a web site, where are all her W. W. W.’s?!

Jake Pickler: It’s wordplay! It’s wordplay!

Steve Harvey: No, it seems FISHY-to-me-play.

Jake Pickler: No, no, let’s go on to the next one!

[ the woman exits, as a man in a cereal box clutching a knife steps forward ]

Steve Harvey: [ recoiling ] Oh, damn! Look at this!

Jake Pickler: A little scary, right? It’s a phrase. Everybody knows it. Any fan of HORROR knows it!

Steve Harvey: Murder Box?

Jake Pickler: No. Who said “Murder Box”? No, be a little more specific, but EVERYBODY knows it!

Steve Harvey: Well, let me see here, uh… Jeffrey Dahmer Toast Crunch!

Jake Pickler: No… no, no, no, no!

Steve Harvey: John Wayne Gacy Grahams!

Jake Pickler: No, no, but you’re getting warmer. It’s a very popular phrase. Yuo said “box”! It’s a box of what?

Steve Harvey: [ slowly ] Cereal…

Jake Pickler: Exactly! Exactly! So what kind of cereal is it?

Steve Harvey: I don’t know! pour me a bowl!

Jake Pickler: It’s a Cereal Killer! It’s a Cereal Killer! You see? Isn’t that great?

Steve Harvey: Well, not for that man! He got to go to the bathroom inside a BOX!

Jake Pickler: Ugh! [ he nudges the box ] Okay, get out of here. Work with me, Steve! I think you’re gonna get the next one. You’re gonna get the next one. Come on!

[ a man and a woman wearing horns and dressed as eggs step forward ]

Steve Harvey: Ohhh, no! Look at these two. It’s Satan Breakfast!

Jake Pickler: No, no, no, no! It’s not Satan Breakfast.

Steve Harvey: Okay, I see… I see. They both got a trident —

Jake Pickler: Uh-huh.

Steve Harvey: That’s Eggs for King Poseidon.

Jake Pickler: Eggs for — What’s Eggs for–? No, Steve! Take a breath, you can get this! Just put two words together! Now, what food are they?

Steve Harvey: Eggs…

Jake Pickler: Good! Waht else do you see? [ he points to the devil horns ]

Steve Harvey: Let me see… Oh, I know! These are Eggs Gone Wild! Yeah! Satan got a hold of ’em, now they on video exposing they yolks! Don’t you go on that tour bus!

Jake Pickler: No… no, they’re Deviled Eggs! Deviled Eggs! yuo got horns on them…

Steve Harvey: I don’t like it. Evil eggs make me nervous!

Jake Pickler: Ohhh… well… Maybe they need an eggsorcism! [ he laughs ] Yeah! Come on!

Steve Harvey: [ stone-faced ] I don’t understand a damn thing about this man right here! When we come back, we gonna bring out celebrity minister T.D. Jakes, who gonna PRAY on these here eggs. Stay right here!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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