Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 4
13d: Edward Norton / Janelle Monae
The Midnight Coterie of Sinister Intruders
Owen Wilson…..Edward Norton
Gwyneth Paltrow…..Noël Wells
Danny Glover…..Jay Pharoah
Son…..John Milhiser
Daughter…..Nasim Pedrad
Tilda Swinton…..Kate McKinnon
Anjelica Huston…..Cecily Strong
Jason Schwartzman…..Kyle Mooney
Adrien Brody…..Mike O’Brien
…..Alec Baldwin
[ open on movie trailer ]
[ fade onto exterior of house, with leaves rustling and a mysterious figure walking ]
Announcer: In theaters this Halloween… comes a new vision of horror like you’ve never seen before. From the twisted mind… of Wes Anderson.
[ zoom in on chainsaw-wielder waving ]
[ music: “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard” ]
Announcer: It’s “The Midnight Coterie of Sinister Intruders.”
[ cut to Owen Wilson peeking out of kitchen window ]
Announcer: Owen Wilson as a man in danger.
Owen Wilson: Wowww, what the heck? There’s a bunch of crazy people standing in our yard! Hey, hon? I think we’re about to get murdered.
Announcer: And his terrified wife: Gwyneth Paltrow.
[ pull back to reveal Gwyneth Paltrow leaning against wall in the hall, smoking a cigarette with great disinterest ]
Gwyneth Paltrow: You don’t say?
[ cut to doodle card ]
Announcer: In the face of unspeakable evil…
[ cut to Owen Wilson peeking out of window through a pair of binoculars ]
Owen Wilson: Yeahhhh, look at ’em all!
[ reveal what he sees ]
Owen Wilson: There’s a guy with an old record player… One’s carrying a falcon… There’s twins in matching track suits… Hey, look at that! That’s Danny Glover!
Danny Glover: Hello!
[ cut to a paper airplane floating through the window and into the living room, accompanies by classical violin music ]
Announcer: A tale… of handmade horror.
[ picking up the airplane and unfolding it ] Hey! They’ve sent us some kind of communicay.
Murderers V/O: “Dear Homeowner: Can we kill you? The Murderers.”
Owen Wilson V/O: [ typing ] “Dear Murderers: No you may not! The Homeowners.”
[ cut to doodle card ]
Announcer: The story of one determined father…
[ cut to Owen Wilson walking into front hall ]
Owen Wilson: Hey, kids! Come on, let’s go into the Panic Room! [ he sits inside of makeshift tent in the living room ]
[ cut to doodle card ]
Announcer: And his two precocious children.
Son: We’ll have to protect ourseives… or we’ll DIE!
Daughter: Quick. Let’s gather all our weapons.
[ reveal inventory one screen at a time ]
Daughter V/O: Rock Hammer. Swiss Army Knife. Slingshot. Firecrackers. Ship in a Bottle. Protractor. Picture of Edith Piaf. Assault Rifle. Little Flag.
[ the Murderer presses his knife into the flag and other weapons ]
Son: Darn!
Daughter: We should have left sooner.
[ reveal Owen Wilson, Gwyneth Paltrow and the children tied up ]
Announcer: With Tilda Swinton as… the Town Constable.
[ a knock at the door ]
Owen Wilson: Hey, wowww! We’re saved!
[ Town Constable enters ]
Town Constable: Who here are the Murderers?
[ the Murderers stab her from both sides ]
Town Constable: I see.
[ she falls down dead ]
Announcer: The New York Times calls it: “You had me at ‘Wes Anderson.'” Fangoria Magazine says: “Da Fuh?”
[ cut to clips of the cast ]
Announcer: Owen Wilson. Gwyneth Paltrow. Angelica Huston. Jason Schwartzman. Adrien Brody. Stop-Motion Mouse. And Alec Baldwin as… The Narrator.
[ cut to exterior of house, as Murderers run past ]
Announcer: “The Midnight Coterie of Sinister Intruders.”
Stop-Motion Mouse: Rated G!
[ fade ]
