Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 4
The Midnight Coterie of Sinister Intruders
Owen Wilson…..Edward Norton
Gwyneth Paltrow…..Noël Wells
Danny Glover…..Jay Pharoah
Tilda Swinton…..Kate McKinnon
Anjelica Huston…..Cecily Strong
Jason Schwartzman…..Kyle Mooney
Adrien Brody…..Mike O’Brien
[ open on movie trailer ] [ fade onto exterior of house, with leaves rustling and a mysterious figure walking ]
Announcer: In theaters this Halloween… comes a new vision of horror like you’ve never seen before. From the twisted mind… of Wes Anderson.[ zoom in on chainsaw-wielder waving ] [ music: “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard” ]
Announcer: It’s “The Midnight Coterie of Sinister Intruders.”[ cut to Owen Wilson peeking out of kitchen window ]
Announcer: Owen Wilson as a man in danger.
Owen Wilson: Wowww, what the heck? There’s a bunch of crazy people standing in our yard! Hey, hon? I think we’re about to get murdered.
Announcer: And his terrified wife: Gwyneth Paltrow.[ pull back to reveal Gwyneth Paltrow leaning against wall in the hall, smoking a cigarette with great disinterest ]
Gwyneth Paltrow: You don’t say?[ cut to doodle card ]
Announcer: In the face of unspeakable evil…[ cut to Owen Wilson peeking out of window through a pair of binoculars ]
Owen Wilson: Yeahhhh, look at ’em all![ reveal what he sees ]
Owen Wilson: There’s a guy with an old record player… One’s carrying a falcon… There’s twins in matching track suits… Hey, look at that! That’s Danny Glover!
Danny Glover: Hello![ cut to a paper airplane floating through the window and into the living room, accompanies by classical violin music ]
Announcer: A tale… of handmade horror.[ picking up the airplane and unfolding it ] Hey! They’ve sent us some kind of communicay.
Murderers V/O: “Dear Homeowner: Can we kill you? The Murderers.”
Owen Wilson V/O: [ typing ] “Dear Murderers: No you may not! The Homeowners.”[ cut to doodle card ]
Announcer: The story of one determined father…
Owen Wilson: Hey, kids! Come on, let’s go into the Panic Room! [ he sits inside of makeshift tent in the living room ] [ cut to doodle card ]
Announcer: And his two precocious children.
Son: We’ll have to protect ourseives… or we’ll DIE!
Daughter: Quick. Let’s gather all our weapons.[ reveal inventory one screen at a time ]
Daughter V/O: Rock Hammer. Swiss Army Knife. Slingshot. Firecrackers. Ship in a Bottle. Protractor. Picture of Edith Piaf. Assault Rifle. Little Flag.[ the Murderer presses his knife into the flag and other weapons ]
Daughter: We should have left sooner.[ reveal Owen Wilson, Gwyneth Paltrow and the children tied up ]
Announcer: With Tilda Swinton as… the Town Constable.[ a knock at the door ]
Owen Wilson: Hey, wowww! We’re saved![ Town Constable enters ]
Town Constable: Who here are the Murderers?[ the Murderers stab her from both sides ]
Town Constable: I see.
Announcer: The New York Times calls it: “You had me at ‘Wes Anderson.'” Fangoria Magazine says: “Da Fuh?”[ cut to clips of the cast ]
Announcer: Owen Wilson. Gwyneth Paltrow. Angelica Huston. Jason Schwartzman. Adrien Brody. Stop-Motion Mouse. And Alec Baldwin as… The Narrator.[ cut to exterior of house, as Murderers run past ]
Announcer: “The Midnight Coterie of Sinister Intruders.”
Stop-Motion Mouse: Rated G![ fade ]