Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 4
Officer Rosen…..Edward Norton
Student #1…..Aidy Bryant
Student #2…..Noel Wells
Student #3…..Kenan Thompson
Student #4…..Bobby Moynihan
Student #5…..John Milhiser
[ open on Astoria Elementary School ]
[ dissolve to classroom ]
Teacher: Okay, okay, okay! “When my hand goes up…”
Class: “The chatter goes DOWN!!”
Teacher: Oh, yay. Class, this is Officer Rosen, from the Irvine Cops & Classrooms program. He’s going to be talking to you today about Stranger Awareness.
Officer Rosen: Mmm-hmm!
Teacher: So be courteous and still. Yay for this! I’m gonna go sit in my car and make an adult phone call.
[ Teacher exits the classroom ]
Officer Rosen: Alright, good morning, guys!
Class: Good morning, Officer Rosen!!
Officer Rosen: Okay.
Shalon: A cop in a windbreaker?! That’s a cool look, man!
Officer Rosen: Oh. Well, thank you… thank you. Now, I want to talk to you kids today about something that I call “Stranger Danger.” Sometimes, especially now around Halloween, you know, you may find yourself in a situation where you’re confronted by a stranger without a parent or a guardian nearby.
Shalon: So far, so goooooood!
Officer Rosen: Okay. Now, let’s say a man — he pulls up into the school parking lot, and he’s in a van, and he offers you some candy?
Shalon: Oooooohh! I like candy!
Officer Rosen: Uhhhh… well, we all like candy. But, the question is: What should you do?
Shalon: Whatever it takes to GET THAT CANDY!!
Officer Rosen: Now, wait a minute! Wait a minute, wait a minute. The man… he says to you, that what you have to do is get into his van to have that candy.
Shalon: GET IN THAT VA-A-A-A-ANNN!!
Officer Rosen: No! No, no! No, no! No! I’m sorry. It’s on me! It’s on me! I should have clarified: The MAN… is a STRANGER! You don’t know the man.
Shalon: Okay! So, then, you go: “What’s your name? I’m Shalon. Where are you from? I’m from Orange County.” Everything checks out, then hop into that van and GET THAT CANDY!!
Student #1: Ohhhhhh, I get it! So if you introduce yourself to a stranger, they’re not a stranger any more!
Officer Rosen: What?! No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! That’s wrong! That’s wrong! I’m sorry, now what was your name? [ he points to Shalon ]
Officer Rosen: Okay. So, Shalon here is, uh, clearly misinformed… but she sounds very confident, and that might be throwing some of the rest of you off. The bottom line, guys, is that you should NEVER, EVER talk to strangers.
Shalon: Whoa, whoa, hold up! I can’t TALK to him?! I mean, I’m shilling in this dude’s SWEET van, eating all his candy, and I’m supposed to just SIT there in total silence?! That is classic BAD MANNERS, man!
Student #2: Yeah! That’s DISRESPECTFUL, Officer Rosen!
Student #3: Yeah, you’re MEAN, Sir!
Officer Rosen: [ fuming ] Okay, guys… When I say “Don’t talk to strangers”… That INCLUDES not getting into the van!
Shalon: Mr. Officer, listen — Let’s back this thing up! There is CANDY involved! Huh? Now, for me, I am ALL about candy! And if all I have to do to GET said candy is hang out in a van… I am NOW all about VANS!!
Student #4: Yes! Shalon’s right. I’m starting to see vans in a whole new way now. Do you know how much CANDY you can fit in a VAN?!!
Student #3: [ looking out the window ] Hey, you guys — There’s a van parked out in the street! If it’s there after school, let’s all approach the driver for candy!
Officer Rosen: No, no! NO!! No, no… DON’T do that!
Student #5: [ raising his hand ] Officer Rosen? Because of you: When I grow up, I want to drive a van and pass out candy to kids. I LOVE VANS!!
Shalon: [ impressed ] Wo-ow! BIG day for vans!
Officer Rosen: Wait, wait, wait! What?! What? Okay, I — I — I think that everybody here may have less of a handle on strangers than before I walked in. [ he sighs heavily ] That’s not a good thing. Shalon? Can you come up here? Help me out. [ she runs up ] These guys obviously look up to you. Are you the leader in the class, or something?
Shalon: Unofficial, no title, but that seems pretty accurate, yeah!
Officer Rosen: Okay. Shalon and I are gonna do a scenario.
Shalon: Okay. It’s Shalon, again…
Officer Rosen: Shalon, we’re gonna do a SCENARIO!! No CANDY in this one!! And there’s no vans, either, okay?
Student #4: [ stunned ] No VANS?? Woof! I already HATE this!
Officer Rosen: Guys! Guys! Just please, please pretend I’m a MAN… who walks up to your friend, Shalon, in a park — and remember, it’s NOT safe to talk to strangers, okay? So I come up and I say, “Hey, little girl… you wanna get in my van?”
Shalon: “You’re probably a friend of my Dad’s! Let’s go!”
Officer Rosen: NO!! NO, NO!! Hey, look! I’m NOT — I am a TOTAL STRANGER to you!!
Shalon: Well… I don’t know all of my Dad’s friends! I don’t even know my DAD!!
Officer Rosen: [ exasperated ] I’m NOT… a FRIEND… of your FATHER!!
Shalon: Oh… Wait! So are you playing my Dad? “Oh, what’s up, Dad! I get why you left, Mom is a mess…”
Student #1: Shalon’s interacting with her Dad, guys!
Officer Rosen: I’M NOT HER DAD!!!
Student #4: BE A MAN, AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR CHILD!!
Officer Rosen: She’s not — SHE’S NOT MY DAMN CHILD!!! Now, look — listen!! Can’t anybody even name a SINGLE thing that was wrong with this scenario?!!
Student #4: Ummmmm, let me think… There were no VANS!!
Student #2: And no candy!
Student #3: And the guy playing the Dad SUCKED!!
Student #4: Yeah! But Shalon was AWESOME!!
Class: YEAH!! SHA-LON!! SHA-LON!! SHA-LON!!
Shalon: Yeah, I guess you could say I’m the vans of acting!
Officer Rosen: Yeah, okay… You know what I can say? I think we’re DONE here! [ he throws pamphlets across the desk ] Here’s soem pamphlets! Read them! I’m heading for the precinct house before I TAZE the LOT of you!!
[ he storms out the door, as the Teacher returns ]
Teacher: Well, that was fast. I don’t have any lesson plans for the rest of the day.
Student #3: Well… can we go outside and look for me in vans?
Teacher: Sure. Just make sure y’all have a buddy.
[ the students run out of the classroom ]
[ fade ]