SNL Transcripts: Kerry Washington: 11/02/13: Fall Carnival


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 5

13e: Kerry Washington / Eminem

Fall Carnival

Teacher…..Vanessa Bayer
Principal Frye…..Jay Pharoah
Miss Terry…..Kerry Washington
Steve Kane…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Fall Carnival setting ]

Teacher: Thank you to everyone for making our Booker T. Washington High Fall Carnival such a success! We’ve raised over $400, to be split between the PTA and the winner of the Students Choice charity: Bail for Chris Brown. And now… here’s Principal Frye.

[ she steps aside, as Principal Frye steps forward ]

Principal Frye: [ blowing into microphone and clicking his teeth ] Attention teachers and students… It has come to my attention… that several of y’all have stolen the Whack-a-Mole mallets! And have taken it upon yourselves to chase homeless people off the property! Students, it’s called Whack-a-MOLE, not Whack-a-BUM! Also: One of y’all has taken off all your clothes, and is currently parading around in a cotton candy thong! I hope that’s cotton candy! Otherwise, you need to go see a d-d-d-d-d-doctor or something! Thank you, teachers and students!

[ he steps aside, as Teacher reappears ]

Teacher: And here is the first year teacher who volunteered to be in the Dunk Tank — Miss Terry!

[ she steps aside, as Miss Terry steps forward ]

Miss Terry: Hey, guys! What a great carnival! I didn’t know that three dogs in the back of an SUV could be considered a petting zoo! Now, I know I failed most of you’s on your midterms, and I called your parents, but I really think it’s gonna help you in the long run. So, let’s have fun! I’m gonna be right over there in the Dunk Tank, I hope some of you will — Oh, look! There’s already a line forming! I’ve been practicing my insults to inspire you: “You’re a stinky botom!” [ she laughs ] J.K.! Alright, see you all over there!

[ she steps aside, as Teacher reappears ]

Teacher: Thank you, Miss Terry. and now, we would like to — [ Principal Frye reappears ] Oh!

Principal Frye: [ blowing into microphone and clicking his teeth ] Attention teachers and students… Several of y’all have been caught fornicating in the funhouse! Unfortunately, there are so many mirrors in there, I can’t tell if there’s two of y’all or a full-on ORGY! Our beloved school secretatry, Miss Janice, who lived through the 70’s, was STILL hocked by this sordid display and fainted on sight! Also: There’s a possum posing as a Churro’s vendor… so if you’re looking for a snack, I would suggest a f-f-f-f-f-funnel cake! Thank you, teachers and students!

[ he steps aside, as Teacher reappears ]

Teacher: Thank you, Principal Frye!

[ suddenly, a loud splash is heard off-screen ]

Teacher: Oh, um… I think Miss Terry wants to have a word with some of you.

[ a soaking wet Miss Terry stomps forward ]

Miss Terry: You animals! You’re only supposed to throw ONE ball at a time! And you’re only supposed to throw soft balls, not BASKETBALLS! Not Snapple bottles! Not a freakin’ plugged-in computer printer! One of youse even turned on a HOSE! On a BLACK lady! Know your history! You little ass baskets! That water was DISGUSTING! It’s full of tadpoles and mosquito larvae! I think it’s the same water from last year. You know what? I’m going back to teaching Catholic school in Long Island! [ she screams as she’s pelted with garbage ]

[ Coach Steve Kane steps forward ]

Steve Kane: HEY!! STOP THROWING STUFF!! AND SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP!! This sad, wet little clown lady is up here makin’ a FOOL of herself for YOU! For YOU! Somebody TRICKED this poor lady into volunteering for the Dunk Tank for YOU! For YOU-OU-OU! Maybe we should have done this in MY neighborhood, where everyone’s idea of a carnival is a PLAYGROUND with a hundred black people standing around watching one person do PULL-UPS! And guess what? Somebody always gets stabbed! That sound nice? Huh?! Well, then, SHUT THE HELL UP and play some WHACK-A-MOLE!!

[ he starts to step away, as Principal Frye suddenly pops up from below frame ]

Principal Frye: Attention teachers and students!! Somebody has put a Nerf Shark in the apple-bobbing barrel! Students, these are normally docile animals, but one of you jive-time Tom turkeys put a can of Red Bull in there! And now the shark is behaving very aggressively, and seems eager to check things off his To-Do List! So let’s please, please do not go bobbing for apples if you value the lips on your face! Also: There’s a dirty diaper in the ball pit. Somebody gonna catch Hepatitis up in here! Attention! Attention, students…!

[ he runs toward the camera; fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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