Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 5
Principal Frye…..Jay Pharoah
Miss Terry…..Kerry Washington
Steve Kane…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on Fall Carnival setting ]
Teacher: Thank you to everyone for making our Booker T. Washington High Fall Carnival such a success! We’ve raised over $400, to be split between the PTA and the winner of the Students Choice charity: Bail for Chris Brown. And now… here’s Principal Frye.
[ she steps aside, as Principal Frye steps forward ]
Principal Frye: [ blowing into microphone and clicking his teeth ] Attention teachers and students… It has come to my attention… that several of y’all have stolen the Whack-a-Mole mallets! And have taken it upon yourselves to chase homeless people off the property! Students, it’s called Whack-a-MOLE, not Whack-a-BUM! Also: One of y’all has taken off all your clothes, and is currently parading around in a cotton candy thong! I hope that’s cotton candy! Otherwise, you need to go see a d-d-d-d-d-doctor or something! Thank you, teachers and students!
[ he steps aside, as Teacher reappears ]
Teacher: And here is the first year teacher who volunteered to be in the Dunk Tank — Miss Terry!
[ she steps aside, as Miss Terry steps forward ]
Miss Terry: Hey, guys! What a great carnival! I didn’t know that three dogs in the back of an SUV could be considered a petting zoo! Now, I know I failed most of you’s on your midterms, and I called your parents, but I really think it’s gonna help you in the long run. So, let’s have fun! I’m gonna be right over there in the Dunk Tank, I hope some of you will — Oh, look! There’s already a line forming! I’ve been practicing my insults to inspire you: “You’re a stinky botom!” [ she laughs ] J.K.! Alright, see you all over there!
[ she steps aside, as Teacher reappears ]
Teacher: Thank you, Miss Terry. and now, we would like to — [ Principal Frye reappears ] Oh!
Principal Frye: [ blowing into microphone and clicking his teeth ] Attention teachers and students… Several of y’all have been caught fornicating in the funhouse! Unfortunately, there are so many mirrors in there, I can’t tell if there’s two of y’all or a full-on ORGY! Our beloved school secretatry, Miss Janice, who lived through the 70’s, was STILL hocked by this sordid display and fainted on sight! Also: There’s a possum posing as a Churro’s vendor… so if you’re looking for a snack, I would suggest a f-f-f-f-f-funnel cake! Thank you, teachers and students!
[ he steps aside, as Teacher reappears ]
Teacher: Thank you, Principal Frye!
[ suddenly, a loud splash is heard off-screen ]
Teacher: Oh, um… I think Miss Terry wants to have a word with some of you.
[ a soaking wet Miss Terry stomps forward ]
Miss Terry: You animals! You’re only supposed to throw ONE ball at a time! And you’re only supposed to throw soft balls, not BASKETBALLS! Not Snapple bottles! Not a freakin’ plugged-in computer printer! One of youse even turned on a HOSE! On a BLACK lady! Know your history! You little ass baskets! That water was DISGUSTING! It’s full of tadpoles and mosquito larvae! I think it’s the same water from last year. You know what? I’m going back to teaching Catholic school in Long Island! [ she screams as she’s pelted with garbage ]
[ Coach Steve Kane steps forward ]
Steve Kane: HEY!! STOP THROWING STUFF!! AND SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP!! This sad, wet little clown lady is up here makin’ a FOOL of herself for YOU! For YOU! Somebody TRICKED this poor lady into volunteering for the Dunk Tank for YOU! For YOU-OU-OU! Maybe we should have done this in MY neighborhood, where everyone’s idea of a carnival is a PLAYGROUND with a hundred black people standing around watching one person do PULL-UPS! And guess what? Somebody always gets stabbed! That sound nice? Huh?! Well, then, SHUT THE HELL UP and play some WHACK-A-MOLE!!
[ he starts to step away, as Principal Frye suddenly pops up from below frame ]
Principal Frye: Attention teachers and students!! Somebody has put a Nerf Shark in the apple-bobbing barrel! Students, these are normally docile animals, but one of you jive-time Tom turkeys put a can of Red Bull in there! And now the shark is behaving very aggressively, and seems eager to check things off his To-Do List! So let’s please, please do not go bobbing for apples if you value the lips on your face! Also: There’s a dirty diaper in the ball pit. Somebody gonna catch Hepatitis up in here! Attention! Attention, students…!
[ he runs toward the camera; fade ]