SNL Transcripts: Kerry Washington: 11/02/13: Cartoon Catchphrase


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 5

13e: Kerry Washington / Eminem

Cartoon Catchphrase

Melanie Griffish…..Kerry Washington
Diane…..Aidy Bryant
Gwen…..Vanessa Bayer
Vincent…..Mike O’Brien
Duane…..Taran Killam

[ open on Cartoon Network logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching Cartoon Network!

[ fade to game show set ]

Announcer: And now, it’s time for America’s FUNNEST game show: “Cartoon Catchphrase”!

Melanie Griffish: Hello, and welcome! I’m your host and fellow cartoon lover — Melanie Griffish! You know how this game works: We give you a atchphrase, and you tell us which character said it. But first, why don’t you Toonheads tell us about yourselves?

Diane: Hi there! My name is Diane, and I yam what I yam, and what I am is a small business owner!

Gwen: Hi! My name is Gwen, and what’s up, Doc? I’m a registered nurse! [ she laughs ]

Vincent: Hi, I’m Vincent, and Yabba Dabba Doooooooo! I’m a waiter at a steak restaurant!

Melanie Griffish: Alright, time for Round 1. And, remember: Yuo only get one Phone-a-Friend, so use it wisely. Diane, for 100 points: Which cute little bird saws “I tawt I taw a putty tat?”

Diane: Ohhhh, man… I was hoping to God I wouldn’t get this one… Um, I’m gonna have to use my Phone-a-Friend.

Melanie Griffish: Who would you like to call?

Diane: Uh… my wonderful husband Duane. He’ll know this one!

Melanie Griffish: Okay! Let’s get Duane on the line!

[ sound effect of phone ringing ]

Woman’s Voice: Hello?

Diane: Uh… oh, who is this? Who is in my home?

Woman’s Voice: This is Diamond.

Diane: Diamond? Oh, Duane… No, Duane! Ohhh, I leave for FOUR hours… Diamond, give the phone to Duane!

Woman’s Voice: Ummm… he’s not here. We finished, and then he left.

Diane: No, Duane, noooo!! Oh, man… he told me he and a couple of guy friends were seeing a matinee of that new “Hobbit” movie.

Melanie Griffish: That’s not out yet! Ten seconds on the clock, Diane!

Diane: Okay, Diamond, you damn hussy… I HATE that I need you, but I DO! Which cute little cartoon birdy says “I tawt I taw a putty tat?”

Woman’s Voice: Oh. Are you on that daytime cartoon game show? That’s sad.

[ buzzer sounds ]

Melanie Griffish: Ohhhhhhhh, ROUGH round for Diane!

Diane: Uh… yeah!

Melanie Griffish: The answer was “Tweety Bird.” But, Diane, let’s give you one point, anyway! Is that okay, guys?

Gwen: Of course!

Diane: Thanks, everybody, that means a lot.

Melanie Griffish: Moving on now to our second Animaniac… Gwen, your question is: What silly fat cat says “Thuffering Thuccotash?”

Gwen: Um… my gut says Tweety Bird, but… that was the answer to the last one. so, I’m gonna use my Phone-a-Friend. I’d like to call my sister Pam!

Melanie Griffish: Wow… You guys are burning right through these Phone-A-Friends. Let’s get Pam on the line!

[ sound effect of phone ringing ]

Duane’s Voice: Hello? What’s up? Pam’s phone.

Gwen: Um… who is this? I… don’t know who this is…

Diane: Oh, my good God! Is this Duane?!

Duane’s Voice: Oh, hell…

Diane: Duane! What is this day of yours?! Are you just going door-to-door and ass-to-ass?!

Gwen: Um… excuse me, Sir. Where is my sister Pam?

Duane’s Voice: Oh, uh… she’s, uh, laying down. She needed a break.

Diane: Ohhh, myyyy Godddd…!!

Gwen: Okay, Duane… Do you know which silly fat cat says “Thuffering Thuccotash?”

Diane: Okay, DON’T answer that, Duane!

Duane’s Voice: It’s Sylvester.

[ ding! ]

Diane: Dammit!!

Melanie Griffish: Great! Great job! That’s 100 points for Gwen! And, just a reminder: Today’s winner will receive an all-expenses paid 4-day, 4-night trip to Hawaii!

Diane: Okay, but if I go by myself, can I go for twice as long?

Melanie Griffish: No!

Diane: Well… then, can I get twice the meals and activities?

Melanie Griffish: Sure! Alright, it’s time for Contestant 3 — Vincent! Which grumpy little curmudgeon says “Be vewy vewy quiet, I’m hunting wabbits?”

Vincent: Oh, I know! I’m gonna Phone-a-Friend!

Melanie Griffish: [ stunned ] You know these questions get harder, right?

Vincent: I’m still gonna do it. I know he’s at work, but I’m gonna call my buddy Richard.

[ sound effect of phone ringing ]

Richard’s Voice: Thank you for calling Rite-Aid, this is Richard.

Vincent: Hey, it’s Vincent! I have a question —

Richard’s Voice: Whoa, whoa, whoa… Hold on, I have a customer.

Duane’s Voice: Heyy, I’d like to buy a hundred extra-small condoms.

Diane: Oh, my God! It’s G.D. Duane!!

Duane’s Voice: Damn…

Diane: Duane! We do NOT have enough money for all these condoms!

Melanie Griffish: Diane, please go back to your podium!

Diane: Okay, Melanie! Can you give me one second?! I’m having a RAW-ASS time with my husband! Duane! HOW are you getting around SO fast?! Is it that DAMN scooter I bought ya’?

[ buzzer sounds ]

Melanie Griffish: Alright! That’s the end of Round 1. So far Gwen is winning, and Diane is losing in every way!

Diane: Okay… please do not cut to me any more…

Melanie Griffish: And now it’s time for a quick commercial, while I… “take care” of something!

[ Duane ambles in with his large Rite-Aid bag ]

Duane: Hey, you ready to go, baby?

Melanie Griffish: Yeah, but I only have three minutes.

Duane: That’s okay, I only need one!

Diane: Ohhhh, Dwayyyyyyyyyne…!! Duane, aren’t you tired?! Why did you marry me yesterday?!

[ cartoon music flares up, as the screen irises out on Diane with the show logo ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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