Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 5
Melanie Griffish…..Kerry Washington
[ open on Cartoon Network logo ]
Announcer: You’re watching Cartoon Network![ fade to game show set ]
Announcer: And now, it’s time for America’s FUNNEST game show: “Cartoon Catchphrase”!
Melanie Griffish: Hello, and welcome! I’m your host and fellow cartoon lover — Melanie Griffish! You know how this game works: We give you a atchphrase, and you tell us which character said it. But first, why don’t you Toonheads tell us about yourselves?
Diane: Hi there! My name is Diane, and I yam what I yam, and what I am is a small business owner!
Gwen: Hi! My name is Gwen, and what’s up, Doc? I’m a registered nurse! [ she laughs ]
Vincent: Hi, I’m Vincent, and Yabba Dabba Doooooooo! I’m a waiter at a steak restaurant!
Melanie Griffish: Alright, time for Round 1. And, remember: Yuo only get one Phone-a-Friend, so use it wisely. Diane, for 100 points: Which cute little bird saws “I tawt I taw a putty tat?”
Diane: Ohhhh, man… I was hoping to God I wouldn’t get this one… Um, I’m gonna have to use my Phone-a-Friend.
Melanie Griffish: Who would you like to call?
Diane: Uh… my wonderful husband Duane. He’ll know this one!
Melanie Griffish: Okay! Let’s get Duane on the line![ sound effect of phone ringing ]
Woman’s Voice: Hello?
Diane: Uh… oh, who is this? Who is in my home?
Woman’s Voice: This is Diamond.
Diane: Diamond? Oh, Duane… No, Duane! Ohhh, I leave for FOUR hours… Diamond, give the phone to Duane!
Woman’s Voice: Ummm… he’s not here. We finished, and then he left.
Diane: No, Duane, noooo!! Oh, man… he told me he and a couple of guy friends were seeing a matinee of that new “Hobbit” movie.
Melanie Griffish: That’s not out yet! Ten seconds on the clock, Diane!
Diane: Okay, Diamond, you damn hussy… I HATE that I need you, but I DO! Which cute little cartoon birdy says “I tawt I taw a putty tat?”
Woman’s Voice: Oh. Are you on that daytime cartoon game show? That’s sad.[ buzzer sounds ]
Melanie Griffish: Ohhhhhhhh, ROUGH round for Diane!
Diane: Uh… yeah!
Melanie Griffish: The answer was “Tweety Bird.” But, Diane, let’s give you one point, anyway! Is that okay, guys?
Gwen: Of course!
Diane: Thanks, everybody, that means a lot.
Melanie Griffish: Moving on now to our second Animaniac… Gwen, your question is: What silly fat cat says “Thuffering Thuccotash?”
Gwen: Um… my gut says Tweety Bird, but… that was the answer to the last one. so, I’m gonna use my Phone-a-Friend. I’d like to call my sister Pam!
Melanie Griffish: Wow… You guys are burning right through these Phone-A-Friends. Let’s get Pam on the line![ sound effect of phone ringing ]
Duane’s Voice: Hello? What’s up? Pam’s phone.
Gwen: Um… who is this? I… don’t know who this is…
Diane: Oh, my good God! Is this Duane?!
Duane’s Voice: Oh, hell…
Diane: Duane! What is this day of yours?! Are you just going door-to-door and ass-to-ass?!
Gwen: Um… excuse me, Sir. Where is my sister Pam?
Duane’s Voice: Oh, uh… she’s, uh, laying down. She needed a break.
Diane: Ohhh, myyyy Godddd…!!
Gwen: Okay, Duane… Do you know which silly fat cat says “Thuffering Thuccotash?”
Diane: Okay, DON’T answer that, Duane!
Duane’s Voice: It’s Sylvester.[ ding! ]
Melanie Griffish: Great! Great job! That’s 100 points for Gwen! And, just a reminder: Today’s winner will receive an all-expenses paid 4-day, 4-night trip to Hawaii!
Diane: Okay, but if I go by myself, can I go for twice as long?
Melanie Griffish: No!
Diane: Well… then, can I get twice the meals and activities?
Melanie Griffish: Sure! Alright, it’s time for Contestant 3 — Vincent! Which grumpy little curmudgeon says “Be vewy vewy quiet, I’m hunting wabbits?”
Vincent: Oh, I know! I’m gonna Phone-a-Friend!
Melanie Griffish: [ stunned ] You know these questions get harder, right?
Vincent: I’m still gonna do it. I know he’s at work, but I’m gonna call my buddy Richard.[ sound effect of phone ringing ]
Richard’s Voice: Thank you for calling Rite-Aid, this is Richard.
Vincent: Hey, it’s Vincent! I have a question —
Richard’s Voice: Whoa, whoa, whoa… Hold on, I have a customer.
Duane’s Voice: Heyy, I’d like to buy a hundred extra-small condoms.
Diane: Oh, my God! It’s G.D. Duane!!
Duane’s Voice: Damn…
Diane: Duane! We do NOT have enough money for all these condoms!
Melanie Griffish: Diane, please go back to your podium!
Diane: Okay, Melanie! Can you give me one second?! I’m having a RAW-ASS time with my husband! Duane! HOW are you getting around SO fast?! Is it that DAMN scooter I bought ya’?[ buzzer sounds ]
Melanie Griffish: Alright! That’s the end of Round 1. So far Gwen is winning, and Diane is losing in every way!
Diane: Okay… please do not cut to me any more…
Melanie Griffish: And now it’s time for a quick commercial, while I… “take care” of something![ Duane ambles in with his large Rite-Aid bag ]
Duane: Hey, you ready to go, baby?
Melanie Griffish: Yeah, but I only have three minutes.
Duane: That’s okay, I only need one!
Diane: Ohhhh, Dwayyyyyyyyyne…!! Duane, aren’t you tired?! Why did you marry me yesterday?![ cartoon music flares up, as the screen irises out on Diane with the show logo ] [ fade ]