Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 5
13e: Kerry Washington / Eminem
Ice Cream
Clerk….Kyle Mooney
Man…..Beck Bennett
Woman…..Vanessa Bayer
Manager…..Taran Killam
Paramedics…..Kenan Thompson, Kate McKinnon, Noel Wells, Jay Pharoah
[ open on ice cream shop, as a couple walks up to the counter ]
Clerk: What can I get for you guys?
Woman: Can I have a scoop of vanilla and chocolate chip?
Man: And I’ll have a waffle cone with… cookies and cream annnnnnd… chocolate peanut butter. Oh — and we’re also gonna need, uh, two ambulances to wheel us out of here when we’re done!
[ she laughs with him ]
[ Clerk stares at them blankly ]
Man: Just because of all the sugar. You know? It’s just a joke.
[ Clerk stares blankly, as the scene morphs into what’s going through his mind: introspective scenery of walking along the riverbank and contemplating it all ]
Man V/O: Oh, we’re also gonna need two ambulances to wheel us out of here when we’re done! [ he laughs ] Just because of all the sugar… Of all the sugar… Of all the sugar…
[ scene morphs back into the ice cream shop ]
Man: Sorry, didn’t mean to, uh, give you too much to think about. Just the ice cream would be fine.
Clerk: Uhhh…
[ Clerk stares blankly, then the scene morphs to him perusing books at the library, performing math calculations, trying to digest as much information as he can ]
Man V/O: Sorry, didn’t mean to, uh, give you too much to think about. Just the ice cream would be fine. I’ll have a waffle cone with cookies and cream… and chocolate peanut butter. We’re also gonna need two ambulances to wheel us out of here when we’re done.
[ back at the ice cream shop, Clerk has an out-of-body experience and appears behind the couple ]
Man: It’s just a joke…
[ the Manager walks up ]
Manager: Is everything okay here, folks?
Man: Uh, no — not really. We just ordered some ice cream, and I joked about ordering so much ice cream that we might need a couple of ambulances to get us out of here. But it was just a joke!
Woman: Yeah!
[ the Manager also stares blankly, as the scene morphs into what’s going through his mind: seeking information at the library with the Clerk, then an out-of-body experience of his own ]
Man V/O: I joked about ordering so much ice cream, that we might need a couple of ambulances to get us out of here.
Manager V/O: Is everything alright here?
Man V/O: No, everything’s not okay. We just ordered some ice cream, and I joked about ordering so much ice cream that we might need a couple of ambulances… a couple of ambulances… a couple of ambulances… a couple of ambulances…
[ the Manager and Clerk test the ice cream for sugar intake, eventually going so far as to require assistance from paramedics, who burst into the ice cream shop in real-time to revive them, as the stunned couple watch ]
Paramedics: Hey, what the hell happened here?!
Man: Nothing! We were just ORDERING ice cream, and then I made a JOKE about needing tow ambulances to take us out of here!
[ the paramedics laugh, then turn sour ]
[ suddenly, the Manager chokes up his waffle cone and smiles ]
Manager: Oh, I get it!
[ the Man throws his arms up in defeat ]
[ fade ]
