Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 5
Kerry Washington’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Kerry Washington!
Kerry Washington: Thank you, thank you, thank you so much! Thanks! It’s been GREAT to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. For the past few years, I’ve been starring in the show “Scandal”. [ the audience cheers ] Thank you! In which I play Olivia Pope, a Washington “fixer” who protects the reputations of the political elite. [ show still ] Here I am with Tony Goldwyn, who plays the President of the United States. and I am so proud to be on a show that, in 2013, has the courage to cast a white man as President. Anyway, it’s fun to play a strong, fearless woman, who’s not afraid to constantly drink red wine in a white pantsuit, and I —
[ Bobby Moynihan runs up to the stage ]
Bobby Moynihan: Olivia!
Kerry Washington: Hi, Bobby. It’s Kerry, actually. We talked about this.
Bobby Moynihan: Whatever! Listen, I need your help! The press has obtained some compromising photos of me in bed with my girlfriend.
Kerry Washington: That doesn’t sound too bad.
Bobby Moynihan: Well, she’s asleep, and I’m eating, like, a whole cookie cake.
Kerry Washington: Okay. That is bad. Here’s what you’re gonna do: Put your Social Security Number and a check in my dressing room, and I’ll take care of it.
Bobby Moynihan: Okay. How much will this cost me?
Kerry Washington: Whatever you think your reputation is worth, Moynihan!
Bobby Moynihan: [ he breathes a sigh of relief ] Oh! Okay, I can afford that!
[ he rushes off ]
Kerry Washington: It is SO great to be back here in New York. You know, I moved to L.A. for the show, so it’s really nice to —
[ Vanessa Bayer steps forward ]
Vanessa Bayer: Oh, yeah! New York! Cool! Um, hey — I heard that you fix problems?
Kerry Washington: Yeah, Vanessa, what’s going on?
Vanessa Bayer: Okay. Well, I was out last night, at “Da Club”, and, uh… I may have punched a bouncer.
Kerry Washington: Okay, you need to leave town immediately.
Vanessa Bayer: Because I hit a bouncer…?
Kerry Washington: No! Because you call it “Da Club”! I’ll have my team get your papers together, and you’ll be on the FIRST flight out TONIGHT!
Vanessa Bayer: But who will play Miley?
Kerry Washington: Haven’t you played Miley enough lately?
Vanessa Bayer: Fine. Bye.
[ she exits the stage ]
Kerry Washington: Where was I? Oh, right! Okay. So it’s cool to be here. I grew up watching the show —
[ a bloodied Kenan Thompson step forward ]
Kenan Thompson: Hey, Kerry, how you doing!
Kerry Washington: Hey… Kenan. [ she notices his shirt ] Oh. Do you need my help with something?
Kenan Thompson: No, no, no! I’m good. I was just, uh, checking to see how you were doing.
Kerry Washington: Are you sure? Because you look like you might be in trouble.
Kenan Thompson: Oh, yeahhhh, there was something… What was my problem? Oh, yeah, yeah! I can’t find my car keys.
Kerry Washington: Did you check your pocket?
Kenan Thompson: [ he pats his pocket ] Oh! There they are…! Wow, thanks, Kerry! [ he glances down at his shirt ] Oh, wow, I’m covered in blood…
[ he exits the stage ]
Kerry Washington: We’ve got a GREAT show for you tonight! Eminem is here, so stick around, and we’ll be right back!