Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 5
President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Press Secretary…..Taran Killam
Michelle Obama…..Kerry Washington
Oprah Winfrey…..Kerry Washington
Matthew McConaugheys…..Bobby Moynihan, Beck Bennett, John Milhiser, Kyle Mooney, Mike O’Brien, Brooks Wheelan
…..Rev. Al Sharpton
[ open on exterior, White House — Night ]
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]
President Barack Obama: Alright, now, uh… Give it to me straight.
Press Secretary: Well, Mr. President, uh… as your Press Secretary, I have to be honest: It has not been a good week. But, on the plus side, you have a state dinner tonight, and all of your biggest supporters are gonna be here.
[ Michelle Obama enters ]
Michelle Obama: Barack? I hope I’m not interrupting.
President Barack Obama: Uh, Michelle, uh… you’re never interrupting.
Press Secretary: Good to see you, Mrs. Obama. I’ll give you two a little privacy.
[ he exits ]
President Barack Obama: Michelle, it’s, uh… this is such a treat! I feel like, uhhh… I feel like it’s been YEARS since I’ve seen you!
Michelle Obama: It may feel that way — but I’m always here for you, and I always will be here for you.
[ Press Secretary re-enters ]
Press Secretary: I, um… I’m so sorry to interrupt. But Oprah Winfrey has arrived for the dinner, and she would LOVE to pop in and say Hello.
President Barack Obama: Well, then, that’s WONDERFUL!
Michelle Obama: What a nice surprise!
Press Secretary: Isn’t it? [ a beat ] So don’t you think you should… go and get changed? [ he chuckles embarrassedly ]
Michelle Obama: Why?
Press Secretary: So that… Oprah can come in?
[ it finally hits her ]
Michelle Obama: Oh. Because of the whole…?
Press Secretary: Yes, exactly! [ he laughs ]
Michelle Obama: And Kenan won’t…?
President Barack Obama: No.
Michelle Obama: Well… In that case, I will leave, and, in a few minutes, Oprah will be here!
Press Secretary: Thank you, Mrs. Obama! Thank you!
[ she exits ]
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] The producers at “Saturday Night Live” would like to apologize to Kerry Washington for the number of black women she will be asked to play tonight. We made these requests both because Ms. Washington is an actress of considerable range and talent and also because “SNL” does not currently have a black woman in the cast. As for the latter reason, we agree this is not an ideal situation and look forward to rectifying it in the near future… unless, of course, we fall in love with another white guy first.
[ suddenly, Oprah Winfrey rushes into the Oval Office ]
Oprah Winfrey: I’m HEEEEEEEERRRRRRREEEEEE!!
President Barack Obama: Oprah! I mean… It’s so good to see you! Uh, are you okay? You seem a little WINDED!
Oprah Winfrey: I ran here all the way from CHICAGOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
President Barack Obama: Well, uh… I’m so glad you did! So glad.
Press Secretary: Uh, Mr. President? Great news! Beyonce has just arrived for dinner, too!
President Barack Obama: Beyonce!
Oprah Winfrey: Don’t even!
Press Secretary: Um… She’d love to pop in and say Hello?
Oprah Winfrey: Is Jay-Z with her?
President Barack Obama: Uh… no! [ he shakes his head furiously ]
Oprah Winfrey: Okay. Well, then… I should get going!
Press Secretary: Ms. Winfrey!
[ she rushes out of the room ]
Press Secretary: Oh, man! Beyonce! That’s pretty cool.
President Barack Obama: Uhhh, yep! It’s cool.
Press Secretary: Oh! [ yelling toward the hall ] I hope she’s wearing that SPARKLY DRESS WITH ALL THE SEQUINS?!
Voice of Kerry Washington: She’s wearing a BATH ROBE!!!
Press Secretary: That’s good, too! That’s good, too. [ he checks his watch and tries to stall ] It’s such a nice office! [ he chuckles nervously ]
President Barack Obama: I mean, the BEST, huh? I don’t know why, uh, more offices aren’t oval.
Press Secretary: You know, I’ve thought that before!
President Barack Obama: So, uh… while we’re waiting, is, uh… is there anyone else out there?
Press Secretary: You know what? I’ll check. [ he runs toward the door ] Uhhhh, actually, uh… This is very, very exciting: There are SIX different Matthew McConaugheys!
[ he opens the door to let in the six Matthew McConaugheys ]
Matthew McConaugheys: Alright…! Alright…! Alright…! Alright…! Alright…!
President Barack Obama: Alright! I see this is gonna be a great party!
[ the camera pulls back, as Rev. Al Sharpton enters frame ]
Rev. Al Sharpton: Good evening, I’m the Rev. Al Sharpton! What have we learned from this sketch? As usual, NOTHING! “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”