Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 5
Miss Universe Moscow 2013
Thomas Roberts…..Taran Killam
Miss Moldova…..Vanessa Bayer
Miss Spain…..Cecily Strong
Miss Uganda…..Kerry Washington
Miss Switzerland…..Noël Wells
Miss Greenland…..Addy Bryant
Miss Bolivia…..Kate McKinnon
Announcer: And Now, Live from Moscow, it’s the 2013 Miss Universe Pageant!
(The hosts enter, in evening wear.)
Thomas Roberts: Hello, hello, I’m Thomas Roberts from MSNBC.
Co-Host: And I’m someone from the E-Network. Boy, there are so many wonderful, incredible, amazing women here tonight.
Thomas Roberts: There sure are, and then, there are the contestants.
(They laugh, extremely fake.)
Co-Host: I don’t even
Thomas Roberts: I’m just reading from the prompter.
Co-Host: Okay. Of course, the big story tonight is the last minute inclusion of a few new countries to the pageant.
Thomas Roberts: Can the contestants from these less-developed nations handle the pressures of being on the world stage?
Co-Host: Speaking of which, here comes Miss Moldova now.
Thomas Roberts: Who is not supposed to be approaching us. Okay
(Miss Modolva, wearing a tacky 70s-style shag dress, steals the Co-Host’s microphone)
Miss Moldova: Okay, First of all, I am so much proud to win contest!
Co-Host: (Trying to grab back microphone) Oh no, you haven’t won yet
Miss Moldova: (Fighting her off) Okay I want to thank food for being backstage, I want to thank Prison, for, uh, taking my husband and making him a shell of a man, and uh
Co-Host: (Trying, again, to grab back the mic) Alright! Okay
Miss Moldova: (Wrestling it back) Okay, and I want to say to my ten children at home: Go to Bed! I am kidding. Is 2 am in Moldova. Go to Factory! Hahahaha! Okay! (she hands back the mic and is played off.)
Co-Host: Hmm. Well she’s a lot of misplaced enthusiasm.
Thomas Roberts: Indeed, and speaking of enthusiasm, it appears the talent portion of the show is about to begin with Miss Spain.
(Miss Spain enters and sings. About a line into her song, Miss Uganda wanders onstage, confused and angry.)
Miss Spain: (singing) Romanza .Romanza Romanza is romance to me .
(Miss Uganda grabs the mike. The music stops.)
Miss Uganda: What is this? This is not right. Why is she? What are they? Who is he? How is she? When are we?
Thomas Roberts: (Rushing on, as Miss Spain backs off): Uh, Miss Uganda, it’s not your turn exactly-
Miss Uganda: (Emphatically) How are they? When is she? Who is what? Why is where? What is how?
Thomas Roberts: Okay, well, you have to wait your turn, you see because –
Miss Uganda: I get here on MY OWN. No one break bank for me. I keep Dress. I KEEP DRESS!
(She storms off as the cohost enters.)
Thomas Roberts: Okay, Miss Uganda, everyone. She is keeping the dress.
Co-Host: Well, these fringe countries are certainly making an impact.
Thomas Roberts: Which is odd, because I thought fringe was out of fashion!
(They laugh, hugely forced)
Co-Host: I laughed because I hate silence.
(Suddenly Miss Boliva, her nose covered in White Powder, lurches on and grabs the Host’s microphone.)
Miss Bolivia: (Twitchy and coked-up) Okay, here we go, Party! Yeah! Everyone say party for Miss Bolivia tonight! WOOOO!
Thomas Roberts: Miss Bolivia, Miss Bolivia you –
Miss Bolivia: Yes! I want to thank the snakes for no biting me! I want to thank the river for only taking three children. Go river! And, I want to thank a kidnapper, for he say I pretty! Okay!
Miss Bolivia: And remember, like a tiger always say: Come into the Jungle, is fine. But is not fine, IS A TRAP!
(She gives the mic back and Passionately french-kisses the Co-Host. She walks off stage, giving the camera a thumbs-up.)
Co-Host: (Stunned) Wow! Wow, she has a really long tongue!
Thomas Roberts: Okay, Well here to get us back on track is a perennial finalist here at Miss Universe, Miss Switzerland.
(They exit. Miss Switzerland, a beautiful, demure blonde, enters to jazzy music.)
Miss Switzerland: My talent is my sit-up comedy! I have a joke I say: In Switzerland, we love cheese; unless you’re cutting it. Thank you!
(With a cry, Miss Greenland runs onstage and karate chops Miss Switzerland. She picks up the mic.)
Miss Greenland: I’m from North Greenland
Thomas Roberts: (Running On) Okay, Miss Greenland, you can’t –
Miss Greenland: Now there are three of us up there and I am the woman!
Thomas Roberts: (As the Co-Host enters) Alright but we don’t-We do not the other contestants!
Miss Greenland: (ignoring him) My Talent is that I can fit my entire hand and arm in my mouth. (She attempts to shove her hand in her mouth, to the shock and disgust of the hosts)
Thomas Roberts: Please don’t do that.
Co-Host: No no no.
Miss Greenland: I need someone to bring me a hammer so I can break my jaw with it!
Co-Host: You know what, let’s take a quick break, and let’s have you stand near the Off part of the stage!
(Miss Greenland, still attempting to shove her hand in her mouth, is escorted off by two officials. Miss Moldova, holding food, reenters)
Thomas Roberts: Yes please. Thank you miss- (Noticing Miss Moldova) Oh, she’s-
Miss Moldova: Hey, Donkey back in Moldova! Look who has bagel and grapes! Now maybe I ride YOU to work!
Miss Uganda: (Wandering on again and grabbing the Co-Host’s Mike) Who is this? Why is she?
Thomas Roberts: Here we go again.
Miss Uganda: How are they? What is me? When are who?
Thomas Roberts: Alright, we’ll be right back.
Submitted by: Ted Zoldan