Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 6
Co-op President…..Cecily Strong
Tenant #1…..Lady Gaga
Tenant #2…..Kate McKinnon
[ open on co-op meeting ]
Co-op President: Welcome, Kevin and Nancy. So we’ve looked over your financials and your references, and they both look very good, so at this point, the only thing left before you become tenants in this building is today’s interview with our co-op board.
Co-op President: Now, I know everyone has New York Co-op Board horror stories, but I promise you we are a very laid-back bunch. And we’re gonna start with you, Judy.
Judy: Okay, I’m Judy, and this is my husband, Sy. Our apartment is next to yours, so our question is about noise. What is the volume of your lovemaking?
Kevin: [ confused ] I’m sorry?
Judy: Your lovemaking? Now, the walls are fairly THICK, so if it’s in this range… [ she moans softly ] We’re not gonna have a problem.
Sy: And if it’s a little louder, say: [ he moans slightly louder ] We’d also be fine with that!
Judy: Now, were it to get up here, like: [ they maon together at a slightly louder level still ] We’re still good with that!
Co-op President: Okay, guys, do you have a question?
Judy: Mmm, just a statement: The sky’s the limit.
Co-op President: Okay, alright, uh… Next question. Roz, you’re up.
Roz: Yes. Do you have pets?
Nancy: Yes, we have a dog.
Roz: And when your dog does his business, does he do it inside the house or outside the house?
Nancy: he does his business outside!
Roz: Well, that’s something your dog and I have in common!
Co-op President: Roz, do you have a question?
Roz: Yeah, where do we get our mail?!
Co-op President: Come on, Roz!
Tenant #1: I have a question. [ she stomps the table with her hands ] Have you seen the film “My Cousin Vinny”?
Tenant #1: And do you by any chance know who Marisa Tomei’s character was based on?
Nancy: No. Um, who was she based on?
Tenant #1: I don’t know, I’m asking you.
Kevin: Oh. We don’t know.
Tenant #2: Oh! Question! Question! Do you have children? Because I have one! I just had her!
Nancy: Oh! Congratulations!
Tenant #2: Thank you very much! I love my REAL baby! [ she holds up a broccoli head ] Isn’t she beautiful? She gives my whole life meaning! And the BEST part is: Oh, you’re never alone when you have a baby!
Kevin: Uh… Well, that’s very nice, but we’re not quite ready to be parents — especially not in this apartment building.
Tenant #2: Well, don’t wait too long. You could wake up one day and find our you’re too OLD to have a baby! That almost happened to me! [ she takes a bite of her baby broccoli head ]
Co-op President: Alright, is there someone else here who has a question?
Ryan: Oh hey, guys. I’m Ryan, and I apologize for the eccentric behavior of the board.
Couple: That’s okay!
Ryan: I don’t really have a question. I just wanted to let you know that if you live here, there is private access to the garden. I have the key, so if you need it, just come to my apartment.
Nancy: Great! Thanks, Ryan.
Ryan: I keep the key on a chain… that I wear around my waist. It, uh — it hangs on a piece of thread… it’s around six inches long… and, uh, I tuck it behind something… just to keep it safe. And, you know, if I’m sleeping… just feel free to lift that something up and grab it.
Kevin: Oh. I, uh… I bet we won’t.
Ryan: Well. If you change your mind… it’s always behind my testicles.
Co-op President: Okay, that about wraps up our interview, and I think we all agree that you would be a perfect fit.
Nancy: Well, it is a great price… so I think we’re gonna move in!
Co-op President: Excellent! You can pick up your key from Ryan.
Ryan: Yes, I have your housekey! It’s on a different chain, that hangs from the back of my belt.
Nancy: Okay, goodbye.
Kevin: Goodbye![ they promptly make their exit ] [ fade ]