Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 6
CBC News Toronto
Rob Ford…..Bobby Moynihan
Drug Dealer…..Jay Pharaoh
Lara Logan…..Kate McKinnon
Announcer: You’re watching the Canadian Broadcasting Coporation. Thanks a bunch!
(CBC NEWS TORONTO LOG)
Reporter: (With a pronounced canadian accent) Good evening and welcome to CBC News Toronto. It’s been a tough week for Toronto Mayor Rob Ford: an admission to smoking crack cocaine, a foul-mouthed press conference, and now the Toronto City Council has stripped him of some of his powers. He joins us tonight, thank you for being here, Mr. Mayor.
Rob Ford: (Staring bug-eyed at the Reporter) Course. Yah, thanks for havin’ me.
Reporter: So what do you have to say to the voters after this tumultuous week?
Rob Ford: Oooh, uh, Just that I goofed up, Eh? See, my face is as red as a Boxing Day ham. (He laughs)
Reporter: Now Mr. Mayor, many are calling for your resignation. Are you worried about your public image?
Rob Ford: Of course I am, but I feel like my public image is suffering because I don’t have any good photos, yaknow? So every time I’m in the news, yaknow, they show one where I’m all sweaty or red-faced or my neck is missing I just feel like I’d be better off if I had a good headshot, yaknow? Do you mind if I get one now, with your cameras? Would that be okay?
Reporter: Oh yah, yah sure. I’ll count ya down, alright? Three, Two, One
(Rob Ford poses for the camera, sticking his gut out and burying his head on his chest with a bug-eyed grimace so his double-chin bulges out.)
Rob Ford: Yep, I think we got it! Yah yah, I feel good about that one.
Reporter: Mr. Mayor, I have to say, I don’t think it’s just the pictures. You’ve also been caught on tape using lewd, inappropriate language with the Press.
Rob Ford: (Smoothing his tie) True, true, true, but yaknow, I did apologize for that with a preference earlier today.
Reporter: We have a video of that, let’s take a look.
(Cut to Rob Ford standing at a podium as flashbulbs go off.)
Rob Ford: I want to apologize for my recent actions and language. I have been VERY stressed and have made some VERY poor decisions. But I am sorry! (He pronounces it “Soary”) Oh and one more thing, I brought some chopstick for everybody, and I would love for you to put it on before you KISS MY FAT, FUCKING WHITE ASS!
(Cut back to the Interview, where Ford is shaking his head sadly)
Rob Ford: Yeah, I should not have said that part. I goofed up! (He laughs) But I realized that and apologized at a press conference just a few hours later.
Reporter: And we have video of that.
(Cut to another press conference)
Rob Ford: Again, I am soary for how I have been acting. It is not indicative of my position of Mayor in this great Town of Toronto.
(A man, concealing something in his coat, sidles up to the podium)
Dealer: (Softly in Ford’s ear) Hey man, I got what you asked for.
Rob Ford: (Sotto voice) Hey, Hey! Not here, ok? (Considers) Let’s do it under the desk.
(They duck partially out of view under the podium and hold a whispered conversation. Subtitles appear for their conversation.)
Dealer: This right here
Rob Ford: Mmmhm.
Dealer: Is grade A-Premium.
Rob Ford: No, don’t say what it is. Don’t say what it is.
Dealer: Alright well I got your stuff right here.
Rob Ford: Alright. Alright. (He opens the bag) WHOA! THAT’S A LOT OF CRACK!
(Cut back to the interview)
Rob Ford: Ooof, that was not Mayoral behavior. And again, feel bad aboot that. But I apologized for it at a press conference just half an hour later.
Reporter: And we have video of that as well.
(Cut to press conference. Rob Ford is opening a forty ounce can of beer, and is obviously in an intoxicated state.)
Rob Ford: (Singing and dancing)
“I’m the best mayor of all the mayors!
I’m the best Mayor in the word!
Yoooour Mayors can suck my [Censored]!”
(As he sings, he attempts to jump off the stage but crashes into the podium and lands out of frame)
Rob Ford: (Screaming in Pain, out of frame; he is subtitled) Oh God I fell on my dick! I fell on my little dick! What are the odds! That is like falling on a needle in a haystack!
(Cut back to the Interview. Rob Ford shifts uncomfortably)
Rob Ford: Boy, I should stop doing press conferences. Look, I’ve done some bad things, and I apologized for that.
Reporter: Well, I’m sorry Mr. Mayor, but I don’t think people will believe you any more. Some of the stories you’ve told are clearly outrageous lies.
Rob Ford: (Angry) Well then I’m gonna go on a show where people DO believe me and WILL believe anything I say!
Reporter: Mr. Mayor, at this point, what show would possibly believe you?
(CUT TO THE 60 MINUTES GRAPHIC.)
(Lara Logan stands in front of a graphic of Rob Ford, which is sponsored by Ford Motors, complete with their slogan “Built Tough”)
Lara Logan: Mayor Rob Ford Patriot, Hero, Role Model. Tonight, he’ll tell a side of the story you have to hear to believe.
(Cut to her interview with Ford)
Lara Logan: So, Mayor Ford, once and for all, what is the truth?
Rob Ford: I have NEVER done crack.
Lara Logan: (nodding) I believe you.
Rob Ford: (surprised) I’ve also never smoked pot?
Lara Logan: (Considers it) I believe you.
Rob Ford: (Pressing his luck) and I’ve never had Alki-hol?
Lara Logan: (disapproving) Mayor Ford (She smiles) I believe you.
Rob Ford: (Ecstatic) Ooooooh my God! This is the best show! And LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S SATURDAY NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
Submitted by: Ted Zoldan