SNL Transcripts: Josh Hutcherson: 11/23/13: Animal Hospital


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 7

13g: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM

Animal Hospital

Vet Nurse 1…..Cecily Strong
Vet Nurse 2…..Josh Hutcherson
Vet Nurse 3…..Kate McKinnon
Ms. Suitor…..Aidy Bryant
Anthony Denvers…..Kenan Thompson
Black Horse Owner…..Brooks Wheelan
Chesnut Horse Owner…..Noël Wells

[ exterior of an animal hospital, then fade to the interior office at the desk of some veterinary nurses ]

Vet Nurse 1: [ in a think southern accent ] Oh Lord. This is the longest day of my life, so far. Right?

Vet Nurse 2: [ in a flamboyant southern accent ] I know, y’all. I have got to get inserts for my shoes ‘cus my arches are just gonna collaaapse.

Vet Nurse 3: [in a low-key southern accent ] My arches have done so already.

Vet Nurse 1: Okay, we have better get to work, y’all! [ snaps fingers ] [ The vet nurses get out from behind the desk, carrying a clipboard ]

Vet Nurse 2: Alright. Let’s see here. Ms. Suitor? Ms. Suitor?

[ Ms. Suitor gets up from her chair to see them ]

Ms. Suitor: Yes, that’s me.

Vet Nurse 3: Now, you’re waitin’ on your pet turtle?

Ms. Suitor: Yes. Captain Whatnot.

Vet Nurse 1: Oh, your turtle’s so dang funny!

Ms. Suitor: Oh, he is the best.

Vet Nurse 3: Yeah, yesterday, he ate a piece of lettuce for like two hours. [ chuckles ]

Vet Nurse 2: That was so funny. Now, listen I’m gonna need you to fill out some forms here because your turtle is dead.

Ms. Suitor: Oh my God. Captain Whatnot is dead?

[ she takes a clipboard of forms ]

Vet Nurse 1: I’m so sorry. He died in the night. And doctor did everythin’ he could. We shot some pumps and stuff. He was on a machine for a little while. But then they had to turn that machine off.

Ms. Suitor: Wait but why did they turn it off?

Vet Nurse 2: Because they needed it for another turtle that was in worse shape than him.

Ms. Suitor: But my turtle died.

Vet Nurse 3: Yes, I do know. I’m so sorry. And if it makes you feel any better the other turtle did die as well.

Vet Nurse 2: Yes, we are beginning to think that we have something wrong with our turtle machine.

Vet Nurse 1: Okay, so we just need you to sign those papers.

Ms. Suitor: Okay but what are these papers for?

Vet Nurse 2: Basically just says that your turtle is dead and that you know that.

Vet Nurse 1: Right. So where it says “yeah, I know”, you just sign that.

Ms. Suitor: Okay, okay. Can I see my turtle?

Vet Nurse 1: Well dang, I wish you’d said somethin’ earlier ‘cus they already threw it away!

Ms. Suitor: What!?

Vet Nurse 2: Yeah. I guess you could just go out into the parking lot and scrounge around, see what you come up with.

Vet Nurse 3: We’re so sorry for your loss.

[ Ms. Suitor hands over the clipboard and rushes outside ]

Vet Nurse 1: Poor little thing.

Vet Nurse 2: Poor thing. Okay, now who is waiting on the bunny rabbit?

Anthony Denvers: [ rising from his chair ] Oh, uh, I was. That’s me.

Vet Nurse 1: Okay, so are you Anthony Denvers?

Anthony Denvers: Yes, I am.

Vet Nurse 3: And you’re waiting on your pet bunny rabbit, Tiffany Denvers?

Anthony Denvers: Yes, I am.

Vet Nurse 1: Well, Tiffany’s such a cute name! Good for you!

Vet Nurse 2: Yeah, it is.

Anthony Denvers: Thank you. I thought it up.

Vet Nurse 3: She has such cute floppy ears.

Anthony Denvers: She does. I almost named her floppy.

Vet Nurse 2: Aww, that is cute. As of 10am this morning she has been dead.

Anthony Denvers: What?! [ looks at his watch ] Wha- It’s almost four! I’ve been sitting here for six hours! I just brought her in to have her teeth cleaned!

Vet Nurse 1: Oh, we know but she had a reaction to the cleaning paste.

Vet Nurse 2: Yeah, but don’t you worry she went very peacefully after she screamed for about an hour.

Anthony Denvers: [ extremely upset ] My Tiffany…

Vet Nurse 1: I know. It’s very sad.

Vet Nurse 3: Tiffany just kept having more and more reactions to things.

Vet Nurse 1: And they were just all negative in nature.

Vet Nurse 2: Mm hmm. Now, I just need you to sign this form for us, please.

[ he hands Mr. Denvers the clipboard ]

Anthony Denvers: What is this?

Vet Nurse 1: Okay, that”s just a form that says your rabbit is dead and you know it.

Vet Nurse 2: Now, where it says “pet status”, I’m gonna need you to write the word “dead”.

Vet Nurse 1: And then just right next to that “dead” where it says “Do you know this?” You’re gonna fill in the bubble under the “yes”.

Anthony Denvers: Well, where is she now?

Vet Nurse 3: She is either on top of or below a dead turtle.

Anthony Denvers: Oooh, my Tiffany!

[ Mr. Denvers quickly leaves after handing back the clipboard ]

Vet Nurses: Thank you, sir. Thank you. Poor thing. Oh my God.

Vet Nurse 2: Okay, now who is waiting on a big horse?

Black Horse Owner: [ getting up from his seat ] Hi. I am.

Vet Nurse 3: Okay, well there is two. There’s a one’s a great, big black one. And the other is a smaller, chestnut one.

Vet Nurse 1: And the smaller one is dead.

[ a girl in the waiting room looks up from her magazine ]

Chesnut Horse Owner: Scott is dead?! Oh!

[ she runs out of the room crying ]

Vet Nurse 2: Wha… Well, she didn’t sign our form.

Vet Nurse 1: Yeah, I think you can do it online anyway.

Vet Nurse 2: Okay.

Black Horse Owner: So, my big, black horse is okay?

Vet Nurse 1: Okay well, hang on. Let me look at the notes. [ grabs the clipboard ] Okay it says “he is responding to the medicine and doin’ well” so…

Vet Nurse 2: That’s good but there is that big orange sticker that says “dead”.

Vet Nurse 1: Oh yes.

Vet Nurse 3: Well, which one do we go by?

Vet Nurse 1: Okay so the sticker always overrides the note, so he is dead.

Vet Nurse 3: He is dead. Okay, if it makes you feel any better he had a real peaceful look on his face right before he exploded.

Black Horse Owner: This is the worst animal hospital in town!

[ he storms out ]

Vet Nurse 2: Yes, we know that. Our Yelps are terrible.

Vet Nurse 3: Yeah, we got somethin’ like zero stars.

[ Mr. Denvers and Ms. Suitor walk in with their pets ]

Ms. Suitor: My turtle is alive!

Anthony Denvers: And so is my Tiffany!

Vet Nurse 1: Oh my gosh.

Vet Nurse 2: Well… call me a dead uncle’s monkey.

Vet Nurse 3: Just so you know, we do still have to cremate them.

Vet Nurse 1: That’s true, ‘cus you filled out the form.

Anthony Denvers: We’re getting out of here!

Vet Nurse 3: Okay but please do not Yelp about this.

Vet Nurse 1: Okay. you know what, let’s go on break. I am tired of havin’ people bitch about everythin’. Let’s just get on out of here.

Vet Nurse 2: Where y’all wanna go? You wanna hit that new potato bar?

Vet Nurse 3: Ooh! I could not say yes fast enough.

Vet Nurse 1: I am gettin’ a set potato and a vodka.

Vet Nurse 2: Oh, gurl…

[ the veterinary nurses all walk off-screen ] [ fade ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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