Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 7
Vet Nurse 1…..Cecily Strong
Vet Nurse 2…..Josh Hutcherson
Vet Nurse 3…..Kate McKinnon
Ms. Suitor…..Aidy Bryant
Anthony Denvers…..Kenan Thompson
Black Horse Owner…..Brooks Wheelan
Chesnut Horse Owner…..Noël Wells
[ exterior of an animal hospital, then fade to the interior office at the desk of some veterinary nurses ]
Vet Nurse 1: [ in a think southern accent ] Oh Lord. This is the longest day of my life, so far. Right?
Vet Nurse 2: [ in a flamboyant southern accent ] I know, y’all. I have got to get inserts for my shoes ‘cus my arches are just gonna collaaapse.
Vet Nurse 3: [in a low-key southern accent ] My arches have done so already.
Vet Nurse 1: Okay, we have better get to work, y’all! [ snaps fingers ] [ The vet nurses get out from behind the desk, carrying a clipboard ]
Vet Nurse 2: Alright. Let’s see here. Ms. Suitor? Ms. Suitor?[ Ms. Suitor gets up from her chair to see them ]
Ms. Suitor: Yes, that’s me.
Vet Nurse 3: Now, you’re waitin’ on your pet turtle?
Ms. Suitor: Yes. Captain Whatnot.
Vet Nurse 1: Oh, your turtle’s so dang funny!
Ms. Suitor: Oh, he is the best.
Vet Nurse 3: Yeah, yesterday, he ate a piece of lettuce for like two hours. [ chuckles ]
Vet Nurse 2: That was so funny. Now, listen I’m gonna need you to fill out some forms here because your turtle is dead.
Ms. Suitor: Oh my God. Captain Whatnot is dead?[ she takes a clipboard of forms ]
Vet Nurse 1: I’m so sorry. He died in the night. And doctor did everythin’ he could. We shot some pumps and stuff. He was on a machine for a little while. But then they had to turn that machine off.
Ms. Suitor: Wait but why did they turn it off?
Vet Nurse 2: Because they needed it for another turtle that was in worse shape than him.
Ms. Suitor: But my turtle died.
Vet Nurse 3: Yes, I do know. I’m so sorry. And if it makes you feel any better the other turtle did die as well.
Vet Nurse 2: Yes, we are beginning to think that we have something wrong with our turtle machine.
Vet Nurse 1: Okay, so we just need you to sign those papers.
Ms. Suitor: Okay but what are these papers for?
Vet Nurse 2: Basically just says that your turtle is dead and that you know that.
Vet Nurse 1: Right. So where it says “yeah, I know”, you just sign that.
Ms. Suitor: Okay, okay. Can I see my turtle?
Vet Nurse 1: Well dang, I wish you’d said somethin’ earlier ‘cus they already threw it away!
Ms. Suitor: What!?
Vet Nurse 2: Yeah. I guess you could just go out into the parking lot and scrounge around, see what you come up with.
Vet Nurse 3: We’re so sorry for your loss.[ Ms. Suitor hands over the clipboard and rushes outside ]
Vet Nurse 1: Poor little thing.
Vet Nurse 2: Poor thing. Okay, now who is waiting on the bunny rabbit?
Anthony Denvers: [ rising from his chair ] Oh, uh, I was. That’s me.
Vet Nurse 1: Okay, so are you Anthony Denvers?
Anthony Denvers: Yes, I am.
Vet Nurse 3: And you’re waiting on your pet bunny rabbit, Tiffany Denvers?
Anthony Denvers: Yes, I am.
Vet Nurse 1: Well, Tiffany’s such a cute name! Good for you!
Vet Nurse 2: Yeah, it is.
Anthony Denvers: Thank you. I thought it up.
Vet Nurse 3: She has such cute floppy ears.
Anthony Denvers: She does. I almost named her floppy.
Vet Nurse 2: Aww, that is cute. As of 10am this morning she has been dead.
Anthony Denvers: What?! [ looks at his watch ] Wha- It’s almost four! I’ve been sitting here for six hours! I just brought her in to have her teeth cleaned!
Vet Nurse 1: Oh, we know but she had a reaction to the cleaning paste.
Vet Nurse 2: Yeah, but don’t you worry she went very peacefully after she screamed for about an hour.
Anthony Denvers: [ extremely upset ] My Tiffany…
Vet Nurse 1: I know. It’s very sad.
Vet Nurse 3: Tiffany just kept having more and more reactions to things.
Vet Nurse 1: And they were just all negative in nature.
Vet Nurse 2: Mm hmm. Now, I just need you to sign this form for us, please.[ he hands Mr. Denvers the clipboard ]
Anthony Denvers: What is this?
Vet Nurse 1: Okay, that”s just a form that says your rabbit is dead and you know it.
Vet Nurse 2: Now, where it says “pet status”, I’m gonna need you to write the word “dead”.
Vet Nurse 1: And then just right next to that “dead” where it says “Do you know this?” You’re gonna fill in the bubble under the “yes”.
Anthony Denvers: Well, where is she now?
Vet Nurse 3: She is either on top of or below a dead turtle.
Anthony Denvers: Oooh, my Tiffany![ Mr. Denvers quickly leaves after handing back the clipboard ]
Vet Nurses: Thank you, sir. Thank you. Poor thing. Oh my God.
Vet Nurse 2: Okay, now who is waiting on a big horse?
Black Horse Owner: [ getting up from his seat ] Hi. I am.
Vet Nurse 3: Okay, well there is two. There’s a one’s a great, big black one. And the other is a smaller, chestnut one.
Vet Nurse 1: And the smaller one is dead.[ a girl in the waiting room looks up from her magazine ]
Chesnut Horse Owner: Scott is dead?! Oh![ she runs out of the room crying ]
Vet Nurse 2: Wha… Well, she didn’t sign our form.
Vet Nurse 1: Yeah, I think you can do it online anyway.
Vet Nurse 2: Okay.
Black Horse Owner: So, my big, black horse is okay?
Vet Nurse 1: Okay well, hang on. Let me look at the notes. [ grabs the clipboard ] Okay it says “he is responding to the medicine and doin’ well” so…
Vet Nurse 2: That’s good but there is that big orange sticker that says “dead”.
Vet Nurse 1: Oh yes.
Vet Nurse 3: Well, which one do we go by?
Vet Nurse 1: Okay so the sticker always overrides the note, so he is dead.
Vet Nurse 3: He is dead. Okay, if it makes you feel any better he had a real peaceful look on his face right before he exploded.
Black Horse Owner: This is the worst animal hospital in town![ he storms out ]
Vet Nurse 2: Yes, we know that. Our Yelps are terrible.
Vet Nurse 3: Yeah, we got somethin’ like zero stars.[ Mr. Denvers and Ms. Suitor walk in with their pets ]
Ms. Suitor: My turtle is alive!
Anthony Denvers: And so is my Tiffany!
Vet Nurse 1: Oh my gosh.
Vet Nurse 2: Well… call me a dead uncle’s monkey.
Vet Nurse 3: Just so you know, we do still have to cremate them.
Vet Nurse 1: That’s true, ‘cus you filled out the form.
Anthony Denvers: We’re getting out of here!
Vet Nurse 3: Okay but please do not Yelp about this.
Vet Nurse 1: Okay. you know what, let’s go on break. I am tired of havin’ people bitch about everythin’. Let’s just get on out of here.
Vet Nurse 2: Where y’all wanna go? You wanna hit that new potato bar?
Vet Nurse 3: Ooh! I could not say yes fast enough.
Vet Nurse 1: I am gettin’ a set potato and a vodka.
Vet Nurse 2: Oh, gurl…[ the veterinary nurses all walk off-screen ] [ fade ]
Submitted by: Sunnie S.